Not sure if anyone has posted these ones before, but they really got me to chuckle. Saw this on another site and had to post it here.
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Two buddies, Bob and Larry, are getting very drunk
at a bar when suddenly Larry throws up all over
himself. "Oh, no... Now my wife will kill me!"
Bob says, "Don't worry, pal. Just tuck a twenty in
your breast pocket and tell your wife that someone
threw up on you and gave you twenty dollars for the
dry cleaning bill."
So they stay for another couple of hours and get
even drunker.
Eventually Larry stumbles home and his wife starts
to give him a bad time. "You reek of alcohol and
you've puked all over yourself! My God...you're
disgusting!"
Speaking very carefully so as not to slur his words,
Larry says, "Nowainaminit, I can e'splain everythin.
Itsh snot wha jew think. I only had a cupla drrrinks.
But thiss other guy got ssick on me..he had one
too many and he juss koudin hold hizz liquor He said
hes was verrry sorry an' gave me twennie bucks for
the cleaning b ill!"
His wife looks in the breast pocket and says, "But
this is forty bucks..."
"Oh, yeah... I almos' fergot, he crapped in my pants, too.
**********
Ole and Sven were drinking buddies who worked as aircraft mechanics in Minneapolis. One day the airport was fogged in and they were stuck in the hangar with nothing to do.
Ole said, "I vish ve had somethin' ta drink!" Sven says, "Me too. Y'know, I've hear you can drink dat yet fuel an get a buzz. Ya vanna try it?"
So they pour themselves a couple of glasses of high octane hooch and got completely smashed.
Next morning Ole woke up and is surprised at how good he feels. In fact he feels GREAT! NO hangover! NO bad side effects. Nothing!
The phone rang. It was Sven who asks, "How iss you feelin' dis mornin', Ole?"
Ole says, "I feel great. How 'bout you?"
Sven says, "I feel great, too. Ya don't have no hangover?"
Ole says, "No dat yet fuel iss great stuff -- no hangover, nothin'. Ve oughta do dis more often."
Sven agreed."Yeah, vell, but dere's yust vun ting."
Ole asked, "Vut's dat?"
Sven questioned, "Haff you farted yet?"
Ole stopped to think. "No."
"Vell, DON'T, 'cause I'm in Milvaukee."
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(Note: This one is not for the little ones, PG 13, you know)
Gary is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose, still heavily sedated from a difficult four-hour surgical procedure. A young student nurse named Andrea appears to give him a partial sponge bath.
"Nurse," he mumbles, from behind the mask. "Are my testicles black?"
Embarrassed, Andrea replies, "I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet."
He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, are my testicles black?"
Concerned that he may elevate his vitals from worry about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and sheepishly and shly pulls back the covers. She raises his gown, holds his penis in one and his testicles in the other, lifting and moving them around. Then, she takes a close look and says, "There 's nothing wrong with them, Sir!!"
Gary pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and says very slowly, "Thank you very much. That was wonderful, but, listen very, very closely..."A r e -
m y- te s t - r e s u l t s - b a c k?"
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