Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD)

[Under~The~Stars]

(((((HUGS TO YOU BOTH)))))

Very brave

One day I might do the same,

Lou xxx

[smudgie]

Hi Jim

thank you for getting back to me. you asked if Im having treatment, yes funny enough it started today, DPT THERAPY. it was hard and have to do plenty of homework. Not sure where it will all end and how it aall works at mo. Its every 2 weeks and hard work. Will kept you pasted andd let you know what happens.
Take care
nessx

[Jimbo]

Glad you started your therapy, mine should start soon.

Is DPT the same as DBT (Dialectic Behavioural Therapy)? Cause that's what I'm going to be doing.

Jim

[smudgie]

Hi Jimbo

Im sorry im on the same programme as you will be DBT got the letters wrong.
i wil let you know how it goes and what you can expect if you ike.
take care
nessx

[Gordon]

Hi

I have BPD too, I'm not as ill as I once was a few years ago but not totally out of the woods as it's the sort of thing that keeps coming back from time to time.

Mine was brought on by childhood bullying (I was kicked to within an inch of my life and then hung from a tree with a rope when I was 10 years old), this lasted from I was 8 til I was 15, then I started going to a gym to toughen up and I got bigger and stronger and then started fighting back....to such an extent that I got a taste for fisticuffs I'm afraid.

I was always being lifted for fighting from the ages of 16 to about 20 and I always found it difficult to get on with authority, whether that be my parents or the tutors at college or the police.

When I was 20 I saw a psychiatrist who just said I had "behavioural problems". I always found it easy to make friends but with the wrong crowd..

I used to have a couple of good jobs, working at a radio station which I did for a few years and then working for the Forestry Commission, both quite well paid and both jobs I loved doing with no real pressure on me.

I never had any problems making friends but they always seemed to be around when I'd just been paid...... and I was only too happy to buy the beers as I was on a good wage and I was chuffed that people were giving me their time... These so called friends suddenly vanished into thin air when I lost my jobs.. (The radio station one I lost cos they scrapped the show I worked on and the forestry one I had to leave after a bad accident(which I luckily made a full recovery from)). Due to losing my job, the accident and my "friends" not being there, I became depressed and my doc put me onto Diazepam.

During this time (when I was about 18 actually), my Mum was diagnosed with rheumatoid arthritis which eventually confined her to a wheelchair. She then had three big heart attacks between the ages of 47 and 49.

In August 1996, my Mum died at the age of only 52. She took a bad turn one morning, was rushed to hospital at 7am and died at 9.50pm that same night. She'd got septacaemia and it poisoned her bloodstream and went into her brain.

Already mildly depressed, that just knocked me for six and I felt like someone had thrown my head into a tumble dryer.

I started acting totally recklessly, living beyond my means, picking up women for meaningless physical liasions, alienating the few good mates that I did have by telling them that they didn't understand me, I was self-harming by cutting my arms with sharp objects and sometimes even biting into my arm until it bruised. I started getting upset over the least little thing and arguing like hell with my dad over nothing at all most of the time. (Even if I was "normal", my Dad and I would never be the best of mates anyway....).

I was doing all sorts of crazy stuff - I'd get drunk on cheap Thunderbird wine and go into the road and play "chicken" with buses and lorries, I'd run right towards them and then throw myself onto the grass verge with a few seconds to spare.

Was I sectioned? Was I helped? Was I hell. I was given prozac and told to get on with it. My doc at the time was a very bad doc who was only in it for the nice salary. She misdiagnosed my Dad on TWO occasions with physical illnesses. Anyway this isn't the place to go into details or name names, it was dealt with.

Prozac made me suicidal, I went to her and she told me to stick with it and give it a chance. I then demanded that I try something else and was given Citalopram which just made me feel flat and lifeless. Someone recently said I may have been allergic to them? I've read up on several websites that feeling suicidal IS a side effect of Prozac and people were taking legal action against drug companies in the US.

I weaned myself off of Citalopram a couple of years ago, it was hell at first but eventually I didn't need them.

As I'm now med-free, the bad days are twice as bad as they'd otherwise be but I'm able to enjoy the good days now. I've built up a large network of good friends and acquaintances through my passion for music and I've actually been told I'm a very good DJ and I have over 7,000 people a week downloading my podcasts from all over the world.

I'm managing reasonably okay these days due to having a handful of extremely good close friends who are there for me no matter what. I am a strong believer that the brotherly and sisterly love provided by close friends can be stronger than any drug and they're my rocks right now.

Right now at this moment I'm chatting online with another BPD and we've become very fond of each other but I'm aware of all the obstacles that lie in the way of us becoming an item one day. She likes me and I like her but our inner wariness and not wanting to be hurt anymore is a major thing that has to be overcome. I believe that BPDs CAN fall in love if they are open and honest about things and work at a relationship. I'm certainly willing to give it a try. There are a few things that are worrying me about the situation but I'll talk about them later (without going into TOO many details of course).

I think I've given you an outline of my BPD, there's a few situations that I've not talked about as they may be too extreme and upsetting for others but I'm happy to chat by PM if anyone would like to get to know me a bit more.

Cheers

Gordon

[Under~The~Stars]

Thankyou for sharing that with us Gordon. We understand how hard it is trying to cope with BPD Nice to have you on board here, hopefully we can all be of use to each other in some way.

I'm sure Jim will post here at some point. Jim and I have become good friends, and we both have the same issues, so understand each other. It's just good to know that you're not alone

I'm glad you have support of a few close friends now, in my experience friends (whether it be chatting over a computer, or in real life) can help us so much.

I believe that BPD's can love too. All the best with your relationship with another sufferer, I hope it all works out for you. As long as you are aware of the problems that may arise, which by the sounds of it you are, then good luck to you

Lou xxx

[Jimbo]

Hey Gordon,

Well done for posting, it's a brave thing to do. Sounds like you've had some hard times in your life and made it through.

This is a great site and the people here are very supportive.

Have you had any other treatment except for meds? I'm now a few months into a DBT course specifically for BPD and getting on quite well. It's hard work but I am learning new skills and coping techniques that are helping a lot. I think I've still got a long way to go, but I'm getting there slowly. I haven't had any major 'incidents' in a while now.

The attitude from most medical proffesionals toward BPD can be very harsh and it's a very misunderstood condition. I hope you are getting the support you need.

Glad you are getting on well as a DJ, music is one of my great loves too and I'd love to get into a job doing something along the lines of recording or sound engineering.

Jim

[Gordon]

Thanks Louise and Jim and nice to (virtually) meet you!

I wasn't told by my GPs about DBT, I only found out about it online.

If I start to feel worse again, then it's something I'll look at.

As I said my GP back in the day was uncaring verging on negligent.

I wasn't told about anything. I also suffered from sleep apnoea due to being a bit heavy and it was an ex-girlfriend who actually discovered that I had it, the first time we slept together. I had my tonsils removed and I don't suffer from it now (or if I do I don't notice it now as I don't wake up gasping for breath any longer). I've been told that many docs tend just to leave mental health patients out to dry.

I did have anger management a few years ago, that helped a lot but they stopped the classes due to cutbacks.

Cheers

Gordon

[Under~The~Stars]

Gordon, I wasn't told about DBT either. I only found out about it I was trying to find out more about BPD, and seen that this was an effective treatment for it. I asked my GP about it, and she had never heard of it! I am getting psychotherapy at the moment.

I'm sorry to hear you had a bad experience with your GP. I have a lovely GP now, but there were a couple who I seen previously who didn't understand my situation at all.

Nice to meet you,

Lou xxx

[Gordon]

Is lying a major part of BPD and how do you deal with it? I don't lie as I hate lying but I will make excuses when I don't feel like doing things such as pretending to be a bit under the weather physically. I'd never tell a massive lie for the hell of it though.

The lady I've been chatting to was telling me about a relative and told me the relative's name. I then did a search in Google for her nickname she uses on MSN (it's sort of a self-protection thing that I do always, I try to find out about someone) and I saw her on a message board talking about the same relative and the same situation but using a different name for her relative than the one she'd given me. She also does this thing on the phone where she'll say something normal, then nervously giggle after it.

I don't want to doubt her as I know it may be part of the illness but what if she's leading me a merry dance? I have read about BPDs using people for attention. It's not something I've done as I don't have it as severe as some but I guess I have had times where I've craved attention in other ways and felt unwanted.

It's a tricky one, if she does really like me then I'm scared that my doubting of her will drive her away. But I've seen some "warning signs" and they're heavy on my mind right now.

Gordon