Hi. I'm new here, though unfortunately not new to HA. I had it more under control, for about 6+ years, with a few bumps in road here or there that were quickly sorted. Recently it has returned with a vengeance. I hope it is okay that I proceed with some TMI about my current issue.
Warning this is long but please I'm desperate for some words of encouragement or just anything. I'm very scared.
I'm a 41 (almost 42) mother of 3. Mostly good health from my most recent annual physical (I do have a umbilical hernia). My family and I are under a lot of stress. Financially things have been hard because my husband was laid off for 2 years and we have a home we are working on keeping. He now has a college degree and a job. Three kids, 2 with anxiety disorders (my youngest only has occasionally anxiety). My marriage is good. It can be better, I do have some lingering resentment and lack of trust with my spouse due to marital issues. The holidays this past winter got to be a bit stressful because I really enjoy my kids and I started to fear I wouldn't have any more holidays with them. Partly this is due to my HA and partly due to they are getting older and I have angst about that. (They are 17, just turned 12 around holidays, and 9). We enjoy our children and I don't want to die and leave them, especially since we are all close and they also have anxiety. I also have 3 cats and 2 rabbits, one rather old and another I took in that is quite a handful. We also homeschool our children and I also have a dad that is not ageing all that well and needs some help from time to time with memory issues. We have a lot going on and I am constantly in a state of anxiety. Either low level or moderate or very high. My middle child is extremely anxious like me and I absorb his anxiety. I worry for him and try to take it off of him. I worry about them getting ill because they get migraines like I do and I worry it could be more. I try to hide that from them.
Fast forward, we had a stressful February. My in-laws wanted to come over for dinner and this set my son's anxiety through roof for weeks. (That anxiety for him started in earlier January). The week they came over, I got terrible migraines and a terrible cold and an early period. I knew it was stress. I was really puffy and felt I needed to help myself more and so I started to drink lemon water, as i heard it helps water weight. Things calmed down for a few days and then I got another terrible cold (like a mild/moderate flu), beginning of March. I felt terrible. The worse I felt in years with bodyaches and such. I couldn't help my dad. And my husband took of a day from work to help my dad to get eye surgery. I felt like I messed up. I also got another very early heavy period. It was very alarming. I thought it was cancer. Just typing all this is bringing this back. After a week I felt like I did before I got sick, better, not relaxed. And I thought things would calm down. Our hot water heater broke earlier in the year and we had to save to get it replaced and that finally happened two weeks after my flu. But we had a flooded basement and during the cleanup, we found a box that wasnt supposed to be in basement, of special things and it was completely ruined. It destroyed my daughter's baby pictures and a few other things. I was so angry it was down because my husband had reassured me it wasn't. (I've been looking for this box forever and was told it wasn't there buried beneath other things--but it was, I didn't put it there). I woke that night with a panic attack. That happens a lot. I wake with panic attacks and then go back to sleep.
The next day family and I all went to a museum and dinner at Chili's. It's a place the kids like and I suggested it. I ordered something I like but I find it too heavy and only ate half. The chicken was cooked through but was very fatty and didn't taste all that hot. In the middle of the night I woke to a small temporary quick right side tummy pain and lots of gurgling sounds. I knew at some point I would have loose bowels. This was March 17 and was the setup for everything. The next day I didn't feel great. Not bad. Just very noisy in bowels and very thirsty and a little back pain. The next evening, I had diarrhea after dinner. That went on, a few times, on and off, for a few days. Then some constipation for about 4 days. Then almost normal. Then it was normal for almost a week. Then Easter came around and I had something my father in law made that I didn't like and I was nervous I would have to use bathroom at someone's house (a fear of mine). But I didn't. I was fine. Until Monday. And then I had more diarrhea. And then it went away. And I thought I was in the clear and then again, this past Saturday (April 2) evening, I went out with my mom for dinner and movies (started semi stressful as she was in a mood, and I was super excited to go out with her and relax, and I did,
but she was bringing up heavier subjects and I didn't want to do that), and I came home and had the worse case of it yet, very watery. Terrible and it lasted most of Sunday. I took some probiotics and it seemed to help some. But still loose and urgent (though less so). I have restricted my diet at all this whole time. Though since Sunday the idea of eating makes me feel just terrified. I eat but not like normally do. I finally called doctor's office today and they seemed so concern. It hasn't been all diarrhea for 3 weeks. Just more so than I would normally have. So they gave me a stool kit and bloodwork. The stool kit terrifies me. Things aren't so urgent or watery, but not normal. And my belly is noisy. Today the PA lingered on my right side with the stethoscope and when he was pressing and I don't know, now I'm reading into that too.
I'm a mess. Needless to say all this recently worsening anxiety started to occur in January and February and I tried to be productive and gain control of my life in small ways like drinking more water and apple cider vinegar water to help me feel less puffy and bloated. It was working. I also started vitamins around this time to feel more proactive about my health and I returned to the gym (though not much). I have some ideas for home employment and wanted to work on that. I wanted to get the house organised. I wanted to be more fun for my kids. These were my goals I set up in January. It's not happening.
I worry constantly. I worry about my dear cat getting diabetes because she loves water. I worry about the new bunny stressing the older one and causing her death. This new rabbit is so noisy and very active and it's very stressful for me and I hate to admit that. I worry most about my children. They are anxious and I want to help them and so I know I try to calm them down and feel calm for them but I wake at night in panic and tears. I worry about my marriage and if my issues will be an issue for my husband. I worry he will be a jerk again. I worry about my parents and brother. I worry about our home. I worry about our cars dying and then we will be stranded. I worry that my plans to drink water more are actually working because I am less puffy. It couldn't be because I had 2 terrible colds, 2 crazy periods, lots of stress, bowel issues, and that I am watching what I eat more. No. I worry it's deadly sign. I worry about what my in-laws thoughts about me and my family. I worry I won't be able to go on dates with husband, what if I get ill. What if I have something bad and he has to take care of me and resents me and cheats again. I worry constantly. I worry because my daughter's first therapist (for anxiety and depression) basically made it seem like she was going to kill herself at some point and that she needed to go into a very strict program and be fixed. We left that therapist and her new one is lovely and helpful. And doesn't see this at all. But it doesn't matter, damage done. I spent months in fear she was going to start self-harming due to the therapist's suggestions. I would wake with panic attacks that this was our last Christmas together, last New Years. Last everything.
I literally have no idea how to stop this mind. And people look at me and think I am relaxed and calm because I have a daily Oscar-winning performance of calm and chill.
But my husband knows that's not true. My mom knows. My brother knows. My kids kind of know, but I hide it enough from them too. I have always worried constantly but I could dismiss it and work through it with my techniques to calm down. I don't even remember how to do them now, even as I tell my son how to calm down.
Since February I've worried I have leukaemia, reproductive cancers (all), bone cancer, brain tumours, lung cancer (a little), diabetes, pancreatic cancer, colorectal cancers, gallbladder issues, liver cancer/disease, nasal sinus cancers, partial bowel obstruction or strangulation, high blood pressure (it's not usually high, but has been past few weeks inconsistently), TIA, strokes, heart attacks, atherosclerosis, STI (I'm faithful, but maybe my husband hasn't been), skin cancer that spread internally. I'm missing some. I haven't lost much weight, though I definitely lost some water weight. I can't stop imagining I am losing weight. But I still have a lot of subcutaneous fat. It's like the some of the past 6+ years lull is descending on me all at once.
Sorry for the rant. Does anyone have any experience in bowel issues from nervousness, anxiety, panic and stress? (And I view these as all related but not the same).
And also does anyone else notice that when the stressors have passed, it's when you feel most of your anxiety symptoms? My past HA was more of mental OCD, ruminating thoughts, neurological disorders (MS,
then moved on to ALS). Occasionally brain tumours. This bout of HA (if that's what it is now...) is a whole new ball of wax.
As you see, I need help. I will work on finding myself a therapist. In meantime, I am just so tired and perhaps need reassurance that this bowel issue isn't deadly or going to ruin my life or worse, ruin my kids' lives.
I know this is long, but please someone help me. I felt tears welling inside of me for weeks but they won't come. Today they started, whilst standing in the kitchen and my husband only briefly hugs me and continues to make dinner. I sent him a link to what we got through with anxiety and he said he'll read it "later". I just need someone that knows that this feels like. I feel so alone and it's distracting me from my kids and I can't do that again.
Thank you.
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