External hemorrhoids fear growing worse and worse

[Hats]

Sorry in advance for the tmi.

I've had external hemorrhoids since I had my 1st pregnancy over 18 years ago. They got progressively worse with each pregnancy and weight gain. I had mention to the doctors before and they seem to think with weight loss they would subside. They didn't.

A few years back I had an external one sort of balloon up. Got bruised, a little bloody and then retreat. It was terrible painful. But resolved on own. I know have weird looking hemorrhoids since the last two pregnancies. They protrude out more and I'm guessing that's what caused that. My husband says they look the same since I was pregnant, that they look baggy and stick out a little like tiny lips. (Sorry tmi)

After Farrah Fawcett died of anal cancer I freaked out and went to an on call doctor at the practice. She was impatient with me and I don't recall if she even looked. But I go to my gyno every year and she would be blind to not see them hanging out there. When my old gyno did a digital exam I know she could feel them.

They rarely bother me anymore. Sometimes itchy, rarely very bloody. Sometimes just a tinge on occasion. If I have softer stool it makes it shaped funny. That's about it. Been like this for years.

But since my GI issues (diarrhea). I am obsessed with this. What if it's anal cancer. I don't fall into high risk for that disease but that doesn't mean anything. Nothing has changed by looks. But what if on a molecular level! I'm seeing my regular doctor about this Friday.

I'm only almost 42. I want another 42 years. I don't want to be greedy. Just help my children get through their adult years and middle age and be a part of my future grandchildren lives and then maybe see a great-grandchild or 3. I am losing my mind and driving husband away. I'm afraid all my little ailments is cancer spreading and my body fighting. I'm just going nuts. I want to enjoy my kids and family. And enjoy my wonderful life. I love to live. I don't want to be distracted and panicked anymore. But this could be it. I am having a 24/7 panic attack. This needs to stop. But how can it stop if it's actually something.

I've had HA bouts my entire life. I've been good for some time. This is the worse I've ever had it and I've had it badly several times. My advancing age makes everything more possible.

I'm losing IT

[MyNameIsTerry]

Hats,

Like you said, it would have been spotted. What I feel you have missed there is that you've also had 2 further pregnancies - something where a woman is being examined very intimately, and a hell of a lot! Surely they would have spotted anything amiss? They would have seen the protrusion so must have dismissed it as roids? Also, those 2 pregnancies, which I assume happened after that flair up 3 years ago, will have caused lots of straining to roids...since they are so common anyway in pregnancy as you know all about.

Also, since this started 3 years ago, do you think you would still be here if you had anal cancer? Do you think something like that would be intermittent and shrink? It would keep going and growing.

It's obvious you are catastrophizing here with you bringing in about wanting to see your children's children and beyond. You are still a young woman at 42. It's obvious to see the Cognitive Distortions in play here on top of the catastrophizing one as there are things you haven't considered.

I'm a man and I've had roids (internal mostly) since I was early twenties courtesy of lifting weights, another well known cause of them for pretty much the same straining reasons as pregnancy. I have had an external protrusion from one for over 10 years. When I have the runs, it swells up and protrudes more. The runs causing them to inflame as one other member explained when their doctor had told them it's irritation from acid due to the incorrect processing to create the normal stool. Then there are the hard stool issues that always cause soreness.

Don't worry about TMI on here. These things are common with anxiety and we should feel able to discuss them, same sex or otherwise.

Don't forget, your husband has looked and said they are the same. Don't you think that if he saw something he thought was worrying he would be rushing his wife straight to a doctor? I bet her would, he wants you around for the grandkids too.

Try to rationalise all of this with the multiple opportunities to spot things, the regular examinations, your husband checking, the length of time which would mean advancement in a cancer, how cancer isn't intermittent, etc.

My nan had anal cancer and she beat it. Guess how old she was? Mid seventies and not exactly in good physical condition. So, please avoid the scare stories and the fatalities because they seldom portray the reality.

[Hats]

Hi--

Thank you for your reply. I know what you said makes sense. My last pregnancy was almost 10 years ago. These hemorrhoids have gotten worse since then, but not by much. Like you said, I've been checked by yearly gyno, and though she hasn't specific mentioned my hemorrhoids, she would be blind to not see them. So really I've had this issue to some extent for nearly 2 decades.

I guess this is what HA does. It distorts everything. It blurs reality and makes everything seem sinister. You know how people complain about getting old? I want to be old, in my own good time. I want to experience being an old person. I want to be here for as long as I can, in my best way I can--be it mentally, physically, emotionally. I have to remember that I have to work on this everyday with this HA. I need to get a grip on this all now, before I can't ever tell what is a real worry and what is not. My mind can't let go that something is wrong with me. Today it's anal cancer. Last month at this time, it was actually a brief break, I just got over thinking I had a reproductive cancer due to wacky periods. My gyno saw me then. She didn't mention the hemorrhoids, but I know she must see them. And if they looked odd to her, as a physican she would probably ask me about them. My mind keeps thinking my luck will run out soon. And I have the hardest time trusting anyone, especially myself and my body. I know that anal cancer rarely happens in those under 50, and it's a fairly rare cancer to begin with. But that doesn't penetrate into my HA mind.

I'm sorry to hear your nan had to go through that, and I'm glad she beat it. And thank you for sharing that as it helps put things in perspective a bit (when I am feeling a bit saner, like right now).