the EU & the UK

[MyNameIsTerry]

Maggoty-apple Gove likened Brexit (now scheduled for completion on 31^st October… 2019?) as having a new kitchen fitted, but waiting for its completion pending the installation of the hob https://www.lbc.co.uk/radio/presente...nalogy-brexit/

Yes, I’m with leaver ‘Elizabeth from Clacton’ on this.

Other Brexit-as-a-new-kitchen metaphors:

‘Yeah, I ordered a new kitchen and the chimps have installed a badly fitted bathroom instead!’

Or:

‘Those cowboy kitchen-fitters have told me at least four different stories why my kitchen’s not finished yet, but it turns out they haven’t even started the ******* thing after three years!’

Or:

‘I should’ve have employed kitchen-fitters, not a bunch of politicians!’

Or:

‘After three years of prevarication, the kitchen-fitters have said I might as well stick with the old kitchen because there’s absolutely nothing wrong with it (even though the cooker doesn’t work, the taps are on upside down and the fridge will only store produce of the EU!’

Or:

‘The bloke who’s doing the hob has resigned due to pressure of work and we’re waiting for a new bloke who’s suitably qualified… We might have to use an Eastern European... or a Turkish bloke, I think – is that ok?’

Or

‘They don’t make the model of hob you wanted anymore – will you settle for a gas one even though you don’t have gas?’

Or:

‘Do you really need a kitchen? You could live on takeaways!’

Or:

‘How about a microwave instead?’

Or:

‘How about getting that Gove bloke in. Even though he’ll come without any recommendations, he seems to know everything there is to know about fitted kitchens.’

Or:

‘Anyone know of a kitchen-fitter who can deliver a genuine Brexit by 31^st October… this year, please?’



Look no further than here for that 'People's Assembly'

I love them. But you missed out "I couldn't get my kitchen refitted because of Jeremy Corbyn" (doesn't he blame him for most things?)

You will be pleased to have seen Gove has not made the final two anyway. I tend to over Hunt though as other than every NHS hospital burning an effigy of him on the car park I know little about what he believes in anything. I know he wants NHS privatisation.

[MyNameIsTerry]

Terry… would you choose Jeremy Corbyn to fit your kitchen? His first and biggest problem would be how to decide what constitutes a kitchen within the broader definition of a kitchen. Then he’d have to have a ballot within his wider working group (of kitchen-fitters) to ensure that they’re all in agreement on this definition…. So, no chance ever of him completing the job.

Gove gone. Good

Isn’t Jeremy Hunt a remainer? He might not say he is now but once a remainer always a remainer – end of chat.

Yes, Hunt was I think. He was one of May's friends hence was kept close however I get a whiff of a typical duplicitous type about him so who knows what he would do when trying to keep his job?

Maybe Boris will give Gove a job in his cabinet to cheer him up? Minister for Sewage perhaps?

Political kitchen fitters...I have had bad experiences with them.

Jeremy Corbyn - turned up and gave me a quote but 3 days into the job I came home to find a bunch of protesters complaining about things (mostly they didn't know what but decided it was best to support something) and Jeremy Corbyn himself was at the front standing on my wall with a megaphone slating the person who was doing the job as it was unethical to pay so little.

David Cameron - turned up, gave me two quotes and when I selected one he leapt over my back fence and the next day resigned his directorship on Company's House I also found in between his visits strange holes had appeared in my recently purchased suckling pig and I never did find out what caused them.

Tony Blair - not bad actually, said he would do it for a decent enough price as long as he could use my endorsement for his presidency campaign at the local kitchen fitters guild. When I refused he hiked the price up, something about legal fees added into the deal by someone called Cherie something? I think he said her dad used to be an actor?

Boris Johnson - told me I could have a kitchen in every room of the house if I wanted and the lack of gas & water connections really didn't matter and we would cross that bridge when we came to it. When I asked about building regulations not allowing this he said they didn't matter anyway so don't worry about it.

Diane Abbott - brilliant really. Quoted me £40 for the whole kitchen deal and said she would send around 14 fitters to get it done. The only problem when it came down to it was she was ordering 150 kitchen cabinets and I don't have a big enough house for that. I called her up to say I was turning the deal down and she called me a racist

Vince Cable - A strange man, he just told me kitchens were a load of b0ll0cks

George Osbourne - scared the life out of me as he said if I didn't accept his quote my house price would fall, I would become impotent and my cherry tree would wilt.

Ian Duncan Smith - refused to even give me a quote saying I should be too busy at work to think about even fitting one and started grumbling about me probably claiming benefits for the job.

Nigel Farage - completely refused to fit the kitchen cabinets saying they would be hiding places for immigrants.

John McDonnell - started the job but I came home 2 days later to find a group of men shouting insults at my house for some reason. It turned out John had gone on strike demanding a pay increase and they all turned up to support him. He was last seen lobbing a brick through my kitchen window and running away from a police dog.

Nicola Sturgeon - said she would give me a quote but only if I allowed some weird referendum thingy for my scullery to have full independence

Jacob Rees Mogg - when asked replied something about not knowing what a kitchen was and how some bloke called Mithers normally dealt with things like that under the stairs

Michael Gove - a very hard worker and always positive about his progress ahead of deadlines. However one day I came home early to find a strange white substance arranged into 4 lines on my new granite chopping board. He explained it was a form of performance enhancing chalk. I did not understand it's use but I ended up dispensing with his services when I saw how quickly the contents of my fridge were disappearing.

Liam Fox - he seemed to be steaming ahead so I was well pleased. It was almost as if someone was helping him. Then one day I came home early and found him in the bath with some other man who he claimed was his adviser.

Andrea Leadsom - when I asked her for a quote she simply told me since I didn't have kids I couldn't understand the importance of a kitchen

Theresa May - insisted the kitchen cabinets had to be painted red white & blue. I refused this as I preferred them one colour. To my dismay I came home to find they had indeed been painted red white & blue and when I complained she stated Henry VIII gave her the power to override my decision and started shouting "kitchen means kitchen" at me for some strange reason

Dismayed with local political kitchen fitters I decided to try some further afield:

Angela Merkel - gave me a very economical quote and an efficient timetable for completion. The only snag was she said the fitters would be coming from Africa and did I have space for their boat on my driveway.

Jean Claude Juncker - insisted the partition wall between the kitchen and lounge had to be removed, a new name had to be given to cover them both (I think he mentioned something like a union), any future changes had to be decided by my neighbours instead who also had the freedom to move between all the rooms in my house and how this was a right enshrined into the very fabric of what a kitchen stood for

Leo Varadkar - a very friendly chap but he became quite upset when he saw my new kitchen design came with a set of partition doors between the kitchen and living room. He said this would cause problems with the natural flow between the two because of the additional time in opening the doors. He also argued there could be confrontation between those who agreed with the partition doors and those who didn't.

Silvio Berlusconi - didn't seem to be getting much work done so after a few days I popped home in my lunch break. The kitchen had discarded leather clothing everywhere, a huge pair of y fronts draped over my new extractor and several almost naked women in revealing underwear collapsed over my island and breakfast table. When I asked them who they were one told me she was a working girl, which I took to mean she was one of the fitting crew, and kept asking me for money to cover additional services outside of the initial quote.

Emmanuel Macron - a very passionate man I have to say. He gave me confidence in contracting him due to his promises of getting it done better than other fitters but once on the job just kept complaining how other fitters did it on the cheap and how he wanted to make them bring their quotes up to match his in future. He also started adding onto his quote after I accepted it. By the end of the week I returned home to find a crowd outside my house wearing yellow jackets demanding he stop changing his quotes. I took them to be former customers.

Mariano Rajoy - seemed ok until he saw my kitchen design came with a separate island that had no connections to the main kitchen units. I had to let him go in the end as he simply wouldn't accept the independent nature of the island and kept trying to move it closer to the main units.

Donald Trump - gave me confidence when he said he would do the best job of anyone and no one could match his skill. But he had clauses in the contract which meant I had to eat American only foods all week and watch some TV show called The Apprentice He also had some delays mid week as it turned out two of his crew, Miguel and Carlos, we're taken away by the immigration service. The job then stalled out and I noticed Donald seemed to spend more time on his phone than working on the kitchen. He also upset my cat by trying to grab hold of her without her permission.

Hillary Clinton - said if I accepted her quote she would be the first woman to fit a kitchen in my white stone cottage. But I found out her work was less likely to be as good as Donald Trump's and when I questioned her over this she just told me I was wrong in my assessment and she took no responsibility for why I had found this to be the case.

[Carnation]

Make what you want out of Boris's latest antics and I'm not saying this as a fan but a fact.
Tell me how many husbands /boyfriends have gone into a rage when you go near their beloved computer or phone. Only a few days ago my other half did similar to me and he's definitely not in the running for PM or an MP or a bad person.
Coincidentally timed and mysteriously recorded. Think it's what you call digging up the dirt to sway the opinion of the public. Eh? We already know what Boris is like and is there seriously anyone better or capable in the running.
It's like being presented with a box of chocolates and being disappointed with all the flavours one's too hard, one's too soft, one's too gooey, one's too sweet, one's too nutty........

[MyNameIsTerry]

Make what you want out of Boris's latest antics and I'm not saying this as a fan but a fact.
Tell me how many husbands /boyfriends have gone into a rage when you go near their beloved computer or phone. Only a few days ago my other half did similar to me and he's definitely not in the running for PM or an MP or a bad person.
Coincidentally timed and mysteriously recorded. Think it's what you call digging up the dirt to sway the opinion of the public. Eh? We already know what Boris is like and is there seriously anyone better or capable in the running.
It's like being presented with a box of chocolates and being disappointed with all the flavours one's too hard, one's too soft, one's too gooey, one's too sweet, one's too nutty........

Ooh we could have a game of who is what chocolate! Nutty will be tough though, so many candidates If you are in charge of MP conduct but also are a bit batty then you could be a walnut whip!

I'm always suspicious of people who run to the media. When you make a complaint or call the police most normal people leave it there but then we have people with agendas, whether fame or money, who are more interested in getting it to a reporter than they are having any recourse or justice. The fact this neighbour ran to The Guardian makes me question their motives to be honest.

Now we have a whole load of people not only questioning his suitability but also whether he is a domestic abuser or sexual abuser simply because she was heard to say "get off me" and some stuff banged on the floor. For all anyone knows he might be restraining her from lobbing his laptop at him but then that would be unfair too on her.

So many people are saying this alone shows he's not fit to be PM. To be honest most MP's vote for worse things they force onto us and senior ministers order troops to go and kill people in other lands. It's like morals are strangely biased towards personal issues in a very Victorian era way in some respects.

Not long ago the media, and the kind of people arguing Boris is now unfit over this incident, where saying Theresa May was too bland for saying the most she did was run through a wheat field in her youth.

I doubt this recording will have an impact on Boris getting the job as it's down to Tory members now and they will likely be suspicious of this anyway.

[WiredIncorrectly]

Yes, Hunt was I think. He was one of May's friends hence was kept close however I get a whiff of a typical duplicitous type about him so who knows what he would do when trying to keep his job?

Maybe Boris will give Gove a job in his cabinet to cheer him up? Minister for Sewage perhaps?

Political kitchen fitters...I have had bad experiences with them.

Jeremy Corbyn - turned up and gave me a quote but 3 days into the job I came home to find a bunch of protesters complaining about things (mostly they didn't know what but decided it was best to support something) and Jeremy Corbyn himself was at the front standing on my wall with a megaphone slating the person who was doing the job as it was unethical to pay so little.

David Cameron - turned up, gave me two quotes and when I selected one he leapt over my back fence and the next day resigned his directorship on Company's House I also found in between his visits strange had appeared in my recently purchased suckling pig and I never did find out what caused them.

Tony Blair - not bad actually, said he would do it for a decent enough price as long as he could use my endorsement for his presidency campaign at the local kitchen fitters guild. When I refused he hiked the price up, something about legal fees added into the deal by someone called Cherie something? I think he said her dad used to be an actor?

Boris Johnson - told me I could have a kitchen in every room of the house if I wanted and the lack of gas & water connections really didn't matter and we would cross that bridge when we came to it. When I asked about building regulations not allowing this he said they didn't matter anyway so don't worry about it.

Diane Abbott - brilliant really. Quoted me £40 for the whole kitchen deal and said she would send around 14 fitters to get it done. The only problem when it came down to it was she was ordering 150 kitchen cabinets and I don't have a big enough house for that. I called her up to say I was turning the deal down and she called me a racist

Vince Cable - A strange man, he just told me kitchens were a load of b0ll0cks

George Osbourne - scared the life out of me as he said if I didn't accept his quote my house price would fall, I would become impotent and my cherry tree would wilt.

Ian Duncan Smith - refused to even give me a quote saying I should be too busy at work to think about even fitting one and started grumbling about me probably claiming benefits for the job.

Nigel Farage - completely refused to fit the kitchen cabinets saying they would be hiding places for immigrants.

John McDonnell - started the job but I came home 2 days later to find a group of men shouting insults at my house for some reason. It turned out John had gone on strike demanding a pay increase and they all turned up to support him. He was last seen lobbing a brick through my kitchen window and running away from a police dog.

Nicola Sturgeon - said she would give me a quote but only if I allowed some weird referendum thingy for my scullery to have full independence

Jacob Rees Mogg - when asked replied something about not knowing what a kitchen was and how some bloke called Mithers normally dealt with things like that under the stairs

Michael Gove - a very hard worker and always positive about his progress ahead of deadlines. However one day I came home early to find a strange white substance arranged into 4 lines on my new granite chopping board. He explained it was a form of performance enhancing chalk. I did not understand it's use but I ended up dispensing with his services when I saw how quickly the contents of my fridge were disappearing.

Liam Fox - he seemed to be steaming ahead so I was well pleased. It was almost as if someone was helping him. Then one day I came home early and found him in the bath with some other man who he claimed was his adviser.

Andrea Leadsom - when I asked her for a quote she simply told me since I didn't have kids I couldn't understand the importance of a kitchen

Theresa May - insisted the kitchen cabinets had to be painted red white & blue. I refused this as I preferred them one colour. To my dismay I came home to find they had indeed been painted red white & blue and when I complained she stated Henry VIII gave her the power to override my decision and started shouting "kitchen means kitchen" at me for some strange reason

Dismayed with local political kitchen fitters I decided to try some further afield:

Angela Merkel - gave me a very economical quote and an efficient timetable for completion. The only snag was she said the fitters would be coming from Africa and did I have space for their boat on my driveway.

Jean Claude Juncker - insisted the partition wall between the kitchen and lounge had to be removed, a new name had to given to cover them both (I think he mentioned something like a union), any future changes had to be decided by my neighbours instead who also had the freedom to move between all the rooms in my house and how this was a right enshrined into the very fabric of what a kitchen stood for

Leo Varadkar - a very friendly chap but he became quite upset when he saw my new kitchen design came with a set of partition doors between the kitchen and living room. He said this would cause problems with the natural flow between the two because of the additional time in opening the doors. He also argued their could be confrontation between those who agreed with the partition doors and those who didn't.

Silvio Berlusconi - didn't seem to be getting much work done so after a few days I popped home in my lunch break. The kitchen had discarded leather clothing everywhere, a huge pair of y fronts draped over my new extractor and several almost naked women in revealing underwear collapsed over my island and breakfast table. When I asked them who they were one told me she was a working girl, which I took to mean she was one of the fitting crew, and kept asking me for money to cover additional services outside of the initial quote.

Emmanuel Macron - a very passionate man I have to say. He gave me confidence in contracting him due to his promises of getting it done better than other fitters but once on the job just kept complaining how other fitters did it on the cheap and how he wanted to make them bring their quotes up to match his in future. He also started adding onto his quote after I accepted it. By the end of the week I returned home to find a crowd outside my house wearing yellow jackets demanding he stop changing his quotes. I took them to be former customers.

Mariano Rajoy - seemed ok until he saw my kitchen design came with a separate island that had no connections to the main kitchen units. I had to let him go in the end as he simply wouldn't accept the independent nature of the island and kept trying to move it closer to the main units.

Donald Trump - gave me confidence when he said he would do the best job of anyone and no one could match his skill. But he had clauses in the contract which meant I had to eat American only foods all week and watch some TV show called The Apprentice He also had some delays mid week as it turned out two of his crew, Miguel and Carlos, we're taken away by the immigration service. The job then stalled out and I noticed Donald seemed to spend more time on his phone than working on the kitchen. He also upset by cat by trying to grab hold of her without her permission.

Hillary Clinton - said if I accepted her quote she would be the first woman to fit a kitchen in my white stone cottage. But I found out her work as less likely to be as good as Donald Trump's and when I questioned her over this she just told me I was wrong in my assessment and she took no responsibility for why I had found this to be the case.

This is so good I want to steal it and post it on /r/unitedkingdom

[MyNameIsTerry]

Make what you want out of Boris's latest antics and I'm not saying this as a fan but a fact. Tell me how many husbands /boyfriends have gone into a rage when you go near their beloved computer or phone. Only a few days ago my other half did similar to me and he's definitely not in the running for PM or an MP or a bad person. Coincidentally timed and mysteriously recorded. Think it's what you call digging up the dirt to sway the opinion of the public. Eh? We already know what Boris is like and is there seriously anyone better or capable in the running. It's like being presented with a box of chocolates and being disappointed with all the flavours one's too hard, one's too soft, one's too gooey, one's too sweet, one's too nutty........

The plot thickens about those neighbours: https://www.thesun.co.uk/news/935409...p-anti-brexit/

[Carnation]

Well, there you go Terry
Just proves not to believe everything you hear.
Sometimes you just gotta weigh up the situation and come to your own conclusion and not be influenced by the unreliable dirt dished up by the media.

[mezzaninedoor]

The plot thickens about those neighbours: https://www.thesun.co.uk/news/935409...p-anti-brexit/

Yes. It feels a very odd thing to do. Obviously neighbour has axe to grind.

However, even ignoring it, I still have no faith in Boris Johnson being a good leader of the UK.

[jojo2316]

Yes. It feels a very odd thing to do. Obviously neighbour has axe to grind.

However, even ignoring it, I still have no faith in Boris Johnson being a good leader of the UK.

because he is a baffoon? Who will drive the country into a brick wall?

[pulisa]

I've got a signed copy of BoJo's tome on Winston Churchill! My daughter and I were passing Waterstone's and saw the book signing advertised so went in, negotiated the "security" and presented ourselves to BoJo for the customary pleasantries..We were the only ones there!

I don't think he's a blundering fool but it suited him at the time to be thought a buffoon. He obviously has no respect for women and no doubt the ex wife will be raking it in re silence money along with all the other ladies with their offspring from dalliances with him.

BoJo and Trump together is a grisly prospect though.