Another vent :(

[Pete_uk]

Every now and then I need to vent and talk.

The trigger of my problems:
I have always desperately avoided angry people. It can be on TV or real life but its always sounded the alarm bells. If there was someone somewhere I knew was like that a lot I would, for example, walk down another street even if it was the long way round. Here, at home it was OK until about three years ago when a really angry loud woman moved in next door (to the unattached side). Suddenly I was in a right mental state. I ended up with an upset stomach for almost two months. Thankfully a year later she got chased off and an older couple moved in. But last year they moved and another single parent with three kids moved in. However this one seemed OK.

Sadly though she is also a loud mouth who can hardly cope, and because mum has retired I can't shut the front room up and watch TV and keep the noise out. This little bedroom is my peaceful place. But maybe not for much longer and the neighbours on the attached side are selling up to a couple with two young kids.

The effects of my problems:
This morning I woke up at about 3am. I was unable to distract my mind from angry thought and winding myself up. I'm already on Valerian to help me relax and sleep but more and more I'm taking co codamol to shut my mind up. Thoughts of what would happen if I died (which just writing about makes my wind pipe close slightly), what would happen if this scenario played out, or if that happened. In amongst all this I'm trying to get my first full time job (thats a different story) which brings in anxiety.

So much that would normally bring me joy doesn't any more. I'm not myself but to be honest I'm not sure who myself actually is. I need to get away but there would be no way back. I feel trapped and whatever I do someone is going to get stuffed. If I left mum would leave dad in a flash, for example.

So much of this situation is my fault. If I hadn't have let my anxiety block me from getting a full time job when I left college I might have a different life now.

I don't know what to expect writing this occasional rants/blogs. I guess its in some way a cry for help?

[vicky23]

Hi Pete,

I think that posting here can be very beneficial, if nothing else it helps to get your thoughts more ordered seeing them on a screen I think.

You may think that you are the cause of your current situation, that your choices lead you to this point. That may well be true, but the past is over and done with now. You can get yourself to a point where you are happier. There's no benefit thinking about what could have been. But it's a good idea to think of your future, where you want to be and make a plan step by step to get there.

All best wishes and keep posting if it helps!
Vicky