Need help/guidance/what to do next...
Long post here but appreshiate any help as im really low right now and stuck with what i should do next.
I'm 29 I've had HA, Panic disorder and slight GAD since i was 8 after a traumatic event in my life (I saw my grandads dead body). After this happened I started scaring myself to death about my heart racing for no reason at the age of 9... the doctors answer was to get me a dog to take my mind off the worry which my parents did, it helped abit but didn't cure it and i didn't seek any other help as i didnt really understand what was happening... Instead i think instinct kicked in and i learnt to distract myself using computers (which has now turned into OCD level addiction) and keep it all to myself. every morning i would wake up at 5am knots in my stomach scared of death or being ill this went on throughout my entire school life. Naturally i failed quite badly in school. Also during this time my mother got a very very rare form of asthma called critical asthma which resulted in her having a 24/7 drip in her arm to keep her lungs open, special machines for her when she couldn't breath, cupboards full of pills and medications. All this made me even more fearful for my health.
Once i left school my parents split after my mum had an affair for 8 years... and i turned to drugs to help me deal with that (only cannabis but still bad enough). I was doing it every day and one time i did it i felt wierd like the world was closing in on me. This turned out to be my first panic attack even though i didn't realise that until 2006. this was in 2002 and i had no clue what it was and ignored it. 2003 came along and i moved house with my soon to be step dad and mother. I felt very scared when this happened and i stayed in my room for over 8 months only being awake at night and avoiding all contact with anyone even my parents.
In 2004 the panic attacks continued through my college years and work years which ended up with me doing badly at college and be in and out of work alot. in 2006 i was working in a garden center and they made me go on the tills even though i was totally against it (for reasons i didn't know i just knew i didnt want to in a BIG way!).
It was ok for awhile but suddenly i started having the world closing in feelings again i kept at it but it started getting really powerful ones which ultimately resulted in; first time walking away while serving running to the staff office and telling the boss i felt wierd, sat in the office chair and calmed down. At this stage i still had no idea what was going on. I tried to do it once again and this second time it came at me full force i felt it so suddenly i dropped the customers change and ran out the shop and ran home crying my eyes out. Luckily i lived about 20 steps away so it didn't take long to get home when i arrived my mum asked what was wrong and i said something is wrong. So my mum got me to the doctors and i was finally diagnosed with anxiety disorder and panic disorder.
From here i left work as i did try to continue but the people there were getting very "funny" with me and my inability to work on tills. I also could not go anywhere near the tills without panicing. I felt useless so i quit the job. i was out of work till 2008 where i found a warehouse job which involved zero customers... I also started working in a computer shop for free to help me progress in the IT career I wanted. This too though involved no customers i worked fixing the computers only.
in 2010/11/12 I progressed into well paid IT support roles first role i struggled as it was telephone support and i couldn't concentrate as i would get worried the boss would be looking or listening and i've always hated being on the phone in front of people anyway. This turned out to be a problem when i tried hard next time in the second role. Both roles I failed the trials not due to my knowledge thankfully but due to my problems with talking to customers in a "professional" manner (i have trouble socializing as it is let alone trying to be "professional"). I was also rather forgetful as i always had other things on my mind and could never concentrate on what i was doing... always a problem.
I've now been unemployed since the start of 2013 and during this time I split with a long term girl friend of 6 years. This caused me to really go down hill fast i started drinking, I was self harming (cutting my arms), I even did stronger drugs on one occasion.
During this dark time the doctors were made aware of my actions and they prescribed me valium I abused this as a way to escape when i felt bad. But in the long term it didn't really help. during this time i also had a pretty scary health symptom (which turned out to be nothing bad) which made me absolutely loose it. doctors again were made aware and they gave me citalopram. I was given it in the wrong starting dose of 40mg so i was hit HARD with side effects. the worsed being that i didn't eat anything apart from 1 piece of bread and a orange for 2 weeks (yes, seriously). the good news though is once the cit leveled out and it was doing its job i found that my panic attacks were fixed!! it was great and i could go out and do things although this ended up being bad as i started going out drinking every weekend in town and doing drugs and being a complete waste of life pretty much. drink + citalopram = bad!
Late 2013 I got over the split, stopped drinking and going to town, managed to keep my head down and make plans to find another job or start up myself... during this time i met a girl who i am still with to this day, she is my life and such a rock in everything i do. She too suffers from anxiety problems so we really understand each other.
2014 i dropped my citalopram to 20mg due to ummm... personal problems, sadly a month after dropping it my panic attacks were some times happening and also i had a side effect where i couldn't taste food or perhaps it was abit distorted. This has sent me down the health anxiety road again which is where i am now and the reason for this rather long post...
I've spent the last week being scared every day scared of eating. I've stopped watching eastenders as there is a story on there about the "C" word and i can't deal with it. My GF's gramp has "C" so the whole health scare stuff is very much in my face at the moment. I was really bad yesterday but my GF managed to get me up and we went to town, I had constant panic attacks there. we got back to hers on the bus and she said do you want to come in (shes living with her grandparents at the moment) i said yes but outside the house i stopped in my tracks knowing that her gramp with "C" was inside the house... but still i did it and sat with him and spoke with him and all that with no problems.
Then this morning i woke up and as soon as i woke i had really really dreadful thoughts of dying and things like that.. like realy detailed, horrible stuff. Ultimately... I NEED HELP! but i don't know what to do? NHS waiting lists are far too long, i have a habit of getting better over time then not bothering with the therapy. as if your feeling better why would you want to bring it all up again and risk going down hill again!? I have group therapy this month but with whats going on unless it improves i don't think i could manage to do that.
So guys, girls, I need your help...
What are my options here? I am from the UK, what do i have to do to solve my problems? I've never asked this question before because im scared of there not being an option to get well or it not working but I want to be WELL and i want to LIVE my life so i need to do this!!!
What do i need and what do i have to do to make a start, i NEED this, I deserve to live my life...
Please help me achieve this goal.
*************2016 edit*************
So, alot has happened since this original write up.. My girl friend cheated on me with someone at work which completely destroyed my confidence and trust in people. I also finally went into one to one therapy in mid 2015 which brought out some interesting finds but sadly didn't really benefit me much. I also had my farther fall ill over the time i was in therapy so.. yeah... a busy year...
Not much more to say about the ex, she cheated on me and destroyed me. My trust in people is an absolute zero now and i feel extremely alone.
Therapy was interesting but VERY tough. I had panic attacks loads in there with her and couldn't really take much in as i was always on red alert. She did teach me to be "mindful" and various other things but nothing really worked for me. During this time my dad had a stroke and i had to step up and help him in hospital. We had a fairly non close relationship up till now but i stepped up even though the hospital is the worsed possible place for me ever. It was very hard work both helping him and also keeping myself calm in my worsed place, the hospital.. the stress was unreal... during this time my motorbike died too so i had to get there with a extremely slow scooter which made it so much longer being outside. My sister doesn't talk to him as he was a drinker and violent at times towards her but he was still her dad so... naturally she cared abit and wanted to know what was going on. I would spend hours at the hospital then come home to endless calls from her having to go over it and go over what dr's said what dad was doing etc etc... This made the stress worse and worse. On top of all this, my uncle who is married to my dads sister was getting involved. He is a dodgy guy and loves money so he was trying to get him to sell his house and cars etc. This ultimately lead to almost a fight with him and police being involved... yet more stress.
I kept it up for about 2 months till he was just about to come out of hospital. During this time my parents i live with went away on holiday and i was home alone. My sister kept on and on about both dad and the uncle and ultimately one night i snapped. I won't go too into it but ultimately i lost it and i self harmed, cut my arm extremely badly where i had to go to A & E and have stitches. It was almost like i had a break down or something. After this i couldn't do it anymore but luckily my sister finally stepped up and took over. I've unfortunately not seen my dad since this time (november 2015) as I can't face it. This obviously doesn't make me feel good at all but I'm scared of the stress/anxiety around the whole situation.
Therapy did discover though after my months and months of diarys and information about how i live my life (secluded and alone doing mostly the same things every day). They suspect that I have autistic traits and as my dad has very similar behavior and my nephew has been diagnosed autistic I see this as being likely.
This i am still getting my head around and trying to work out if it means i cannot lead a fulfilled life without the need to do what i thought was OCD due to anxiety but actually it would seem it is likely to be austism traits. I also wonder how nasty a combination of autism and anxiety is... i've not really got that far yet but it sounds like a really, really bad combination. I'm also trying to get my head around that it's a disorder not something you can fix so.. am i stuck in this situation?
Ultimately i came out of therapy with the impression that there isn't much you can do but manage anxiety there is no cure just coping, mindfullness etc... This scares me as none of those idea's worked for me. I hope I'm wrong about that.
Right now I am in the worsed place i have ever been. My distraction behaviour which usually makes my anxiety less intense are now useless ever since therapy and for some reason since therapy (i guess because i opened up and let some stuff out which was shut away for so long) I now get severe images and thoughts of death and illness. I think extremely indepth about it and how it will make me feel and how hopeless i will be. I know from the therapy to try and challenge these thoughts but ultimately it WILL happen one day so... it's not really just a thought... In short it feels like therapy kinda undid all the work i did over the years since i was 8 which was working somewhat to keep the anxiety away but obviously stopping me leading my life. Maybe it's good that all this stuff is out now maybe not i don't even know anymore and the NHS only give you so many sessions which are now done so I've come out the other side so so sooooo much worse than i went in.
Anyway.. that is where i'm at... i'm currently bed ridden and extremely scared. I have absolutely no idea what to do next, do i get another referral? Do i go back on meds? Do i just accept this is it? I'm 30 in a couple of months and to think I'm turning 30 and this is my life right now is awful. If anyone has anything which may help, some guidance or input... or wants to say something please do... I really, really need help now. Any input at this stage is welcome as i really am out of idea's and at the bottom of the barrel with this.
P.S. don't let my negitve notes about therapy put any of you off. I'm sure therapy does work I just got hit with things at the worsed time and I don't really respond well to it.
Help if you can, please...
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