Worried that I have this depersonalization thing...
OK so...I'm 27 and I've always thought I was different from other people...I often feel like I'm kinda on the Truman show and everyone is watching me and what I do next. Even when I'm alone I feel like someone is watching. Like a sim game sort of. Even when I look in the mirror it's like I'm staring at someone else...I often feel disconnected and I don't know if it's to blame or not for me ruining my marriage. It's so hard to explain but in a nutshell...I keep messing up. I keep saying things that makes my husband angry. Little things. We've been together for 13 years and for 13 years I've been making him angry. It's been getting worse and worse. We just had another fight and I don't understand why I keep messing up. EVERY time I swear and promise I won't do it again and I honestly feel like I won't...But it's almost like I don't think before I speak. Like I'm not in control. Like I completely forget for that moment what will and won't make him angry. I'm desperate...I feel so disconnected with my emotions and while I do cry I just don't feel like I'm here. I feel like I'm in a constant dream like state and nothing is real and I don't take anything seriously. I zone out so often...I feel like I'm living in a fantasy where he will always forgive me and it'll all repeat later. I NEED to wake up and focus to save my marriage. How can I do that? Someone please help me...How do I get over this depersonalization thing by myself without therapy or drugs? IF that is what is wrong with me. Yes I have anxieties too sometimes and I'm often tired and have headaches and muscle aches. Please I NEED to do this on my own my marriage is at stake and I can't tell my husband about this because he'll think it's some sort of excuse for me to mess up...
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