can i raise myself above these symptoms

[busterrufus]

I have hardly been going out for months. Tried a short visit to supermarket with husband yesterday. Do not see any friends, see family only when daughter visits, she is 7 months pregnant and I cannot believe I have made her feel so unwilling to see me. It's because she gets upset seeing me so anxious and afraid

Today is my father's 94th birthday. Before anxiety or whatever it is struck again in March, I used to go and see him and take him out probably 4 times a week. Now he has to rely on my brother. I haven't seen or spoken to my dad for about 3 weeks, we get too upset. He is the "keep your chin up" type,which works for him. I am a coward. We have not fallen out, I just can't seem to pretend I,m ok in front of him so we both get upset.

I try as hard as I can to cover up my anxiety in front of my husband as he now says its making him ill.

All this anxiety and worry and fear is inside me and I can't release it or get rid. I have already posted about my problems with exercise. I feel so guilty. I want to be able to see people without upsetting them. I want to see my dad on his birthday. I need some encouragement.

I have just read this back and see that I am ruining the lives of the people I love. This is not how it should be. All because I am weak and afraid. I want to" get a grip". I wish I could. Sometimes in evening I feel a bit better, safer somehow. I dread the feelings I have when I wake up, which can last all day.

[pulisa]

If your Dad lives locally is there any way you could get to him just to give him a hug and then take it from there? If you can't go into the house, fair enough, and if you can't talk, it doesn't matter. He won't be able to understand how your anxiety dominates your life at the moment but he will be so pleased just to see you..

Your Dad is so precious and at 94, every birthday is extra special.

[busterrufus]

I know pulisa, that's what makes me feel even more selfish and s bad person. I know in myself that I am trying to protect both o f us from getting upset. I don't know what to do for the best. I think I should see him, I think its what he would want. Don't want to spoil his day tho. He only lives 10 mins drive away. I,m crying now about it. I need to pull myself together, get up , have a cuppa and see how I feel.
Trying to cover up my anxiety and fear doesn't work, I am pathetic at it, I just break down and upset everyone.
I feel like a hamster on a wheel, the more I try and reach for relief , the more frantic I get.

[pulisa]

It doesn't matter if you cry-he loves you no matter what. His day won't be spoilt-he just will be so pleased to see you. Don't think too much about it-just try and go? I lost my Dad 2 years ago at 93-make the most of your Dad while you can? You are not letting him down-you think you are but you're not xx

[busterrufus]

Thank you pulisa. I will try.
I do know that I am letting my family down though. I should be strong and overcome my fears, or at the very least put on a brave face. I don't understand why I can't do it for their sakes, I know I am weak and selfish but I have been trying to improve and get better , i have not managed it yet. Inside I am not convinced I will get better, I think that's a big problem.

[MyNameIsTerry]

I agree with pulisa. I think he will appreciate his daughter coming to see him. He knows you are unwell and so will appreciate the effort.

It's one day and even if things are difficult, there are other days in his year that can be used to make things better but I'm sure it will only make his day more special seeing his daughter.

You will kick yourself with a condition like anxiety. It's part of the problem. And we set unachievable & unrealistic goals that just aim to add more pressure and keep us trapped. Honestly, you're not saying anything I haven't myself and I bet we all have.

I used to berate myself for being a burden. Useless, worthless, failure, loser, ungrateful, pathetic, etc. But the thing is, these just lower your mood and you feel depressed. I learnt not to allow these thoughts & feelings to take over and gradually I didn't sink anymore. It's an acceptance thing too. Accept that anxiety has it's stages and that negative thinking is automatic, especially with moods and emotions, and something to overcome through working on ourselves.

This is all part of the condition. As you improve you will find it easier to hide your anxiety so that you don't allow it to impact on others as much. Hide is the wrong word though, control is perhaps better.

Perhaps you are being too hard on yourself? We do it a lot.

Remember "should" is a negative word, we are taught to use "could". The former implies something we feel we have to do so it adds pressure. The latter implies choice, we are in control.

As part of understanding your anxiety, it is worth reading the Cognitive Distortions that we don't realise are impacting on our thinking. I can see plenty of them in your posts. The Wiki page is accurate. We used to go through these at the charity walk-in meetings I used to attend and they helped me to understand where my thinking was going wrong a lot. They were harder to apply to myself at first so I practiced them on others, often on here, to more quickly identify skewed thinking.

I hope you find the courage to see your dad today. But if not, no one here will judge you for it, we've all had our struggles with things like this. It's very hard earlier on.

We are always hardest on ourselves, another element of these types of disorders.

[pulisa]

Whatever has happened today I hope that you are feeling a bit calmer this evening. Raising yourself above the symptoms is absolutely crucial in order to manage anxiety but this must seem just too much to attempt at the moment? You could consider therapy or you could challenge yourself when you are totally fed up of being controlled by physical symptoms. Don't do yourself down-you will need strength to manage anxiety and negativity is energy-sapping. No one says it's easy but it's not impossible either and there will always be blips along the way.

[busterrufus]

Pulisa and terry, I went to see my dad this afternoon and I,m so so glad that I did. I stayed for a couple of hours and saw some other family members too. I felt much better when I got home. I am aware that this feeling might not last long, but surely its a start . I,m pleased I made my dad happy.
I want to thank you both for your encouragement, I was doubtful that I should go this morning . It was especially kind of you to describe your own experiences to help me understand what I am going through.

Terry, I have never heard of Cognitive Distortion before, but now I have i will read up on it.

[pulisa]

I'm SO pleased to hear that you did so well, busterrufus! Your dad must have been so pleased to see you! And it IS a start!

That must have taken a lot of strength and courage-don't be surprised if you feel worn out tomorrow....but it will have been worth it!

[dally]

Busrerufus
So glad you visited your dad. It really doesn't matter what age he is you will always be his child. He will always want the best for you and will do his best to guide you in a way sees fit. That sometimes may come over to you as disappointment, but I'm sure that's not true and it's only care and love the feels.
I'm glad you did it for him and he in return lightened your day too x