My story/diary so far....

[Anxgirl]

Just read through this , it was like I had written it !! Seriously wow I'm so glad I'm not the only one !! I feel like I'm going insane. Jase, I have the exact some stuff happen and I am no longer able to go to the supermarket unless Ive had a pill (zopiclone). I'm so glad I've found this group. My partner said last night maybe I should stop taking them but I said surely the worst must be over. Looks like it may take a bit longer than doctor had said.
My turning point was when I started getting panic attacks whilst doing around home. Already feel like a prisoner in my own home I don't and invading my "safe" place

[AnxiousSince1998]

Yes, your def not alone. I have been suffering for so long, and it's such a crippling disorder, taking every good thing from you one piece at a time.... (For me I struggle socialising now, quit the smokes, quit the booze, ....feels like I've quit all the good times, and all the good things I used to do, due to fear of having a panic attack).
I'm trying to be hopeful with the Prozac, and do have moments where I feel great (usually in the arvo), but still not close to where I want to be. Just trying to believe, and put a bit of trust in Prozac, as hard as it is....
My psych told me the side effects wouldn't be too bad and would go away in a week or two, so when I saw him last (about week 5), I let him know I still felt like I was going crazy with all the side effects, how everyone is different and he should've told me it could take a while.... If it were not for reading these forums, I would've def stopped taking the tablets, so I'm thankful for this page....
Hang in there, your not alone.

[AnxiousSince1998]

So it was the start of week 7 for me 2 days ago, and still feeling pretty average, no real drive to go and do too much, sleeping has still been crap, waking around 2-3am, then just dozing off n on for the rest of the morning till around 7 or 8am, feel so unrested.

I went for a big walk yesterday afternoon, and felt dizzy and on edge most of the way (maybe because I'm in another country, I was walking by myself and was worried about getting lost?).... I noticed my vision was blotchy too, like when you look at a light bulb, then can still see the image when you look away....

Other symptoms still lingering are the headaches, internal shakes, butterflies, restless feet, little motivation, tiredness, low appetite and nausea at times, some breathlessness and tight chest at times, anti social, low concentration, sweaty hands/feet, and I guess depression to some degree.

Hoping to turn a corner soon, but more importantly, a few good days would be nice, just to give me some hope that things are starting to work....

[AnxiousSince1998]

So I have hit the 8 week mark yesterday, and have seen some minor improvements, especially in the afternoons, the mornings are still crappy and I'm still waking around 2-3am, then broken sleep after that, and feeling tired and unrested but my brain wants to go!

In saying that, I had to go get emergency dental work the other day, as my front tooth chipped while biting a piece of ice in my drink, and as shakey as I was, I got through sitting in the chair for 2 hours, whilst strangers worked on fixing my teeth. I still need to go back tomorrow to get the crowns fitted. I have also visited local banks here to exchange money on a few occasions, only once getting very edgy, but stuck it out. I have been able to have breakfast most mornings, sitting in a restaurant style eating area, something I really struggle with. I had a 1 hour reiki session yesterday, and had 2 hot panic rushes, negative thoughts for a bit of it, but in the end, once again got through. I felt very relaxed afterwards, great actually.

Up to today, generally I am still feeling very light headed, with the occasional strange, crushing headache, my breathing can be shallow at times, my vision is sensitive to light, I feel scattered and not really with it most of the time. Libido is up and down, I don't really have a drive to get out and do too much, I can feel shakey one minute then fine the next, I find I'm constantly shaking atleast one of my feet, can still feel nauseous at times, and have a feeling of being overwhelmed even just walking around....

The moments I feel better are keeping me hopeful, although I would like these moments to turn into days, and have been very patient, not sure how much longer it will take though. I really didn't want to have to bump up the dosage, but if no change by the 12 week mark, looks like I am going to have too, and experience all these horrible symptoms again.

Any comments on similar feelings or suggestions will be appreciated, cheers.
Jase.

[AnxiousSince1998]

Hi guys,
Still no massive change in the way I'm feeling. Have actually found myself being a little negative to the thought of going out and socialising. I have had a couple of moments where my anxiety has gone BANG when trying to explain something, and I get almost a head rush/headache feeling, confusion, and go blank mid sentence....
I have an old friend on holidays too, here in Bali, and he asked me to catch up last night over dinner, to which I declined. As soon as I read his Msg, I almost instantly felt a rush of anxiousness come over me. I will try and catch up with him during the week, maybe by a pool somewhere. It's so hard as I would've loved to see him, but the little evil monkey on my back won that round....
I have also been having negative thoughts about how I will be able to handle myself once this holiday is over. At the moment, even just lounging around by the pool, or going out for dinner with my partner can feel like an overwhelming effort, so how will I face going back to work? Ugh. Just the anticipation anxiety is crippling.
I was surprised with the way I handled the second dentist visit the other day, I was shakey as hell, but once I was in the chair, and my partner by my side for comfort, I got through just fine, and very happy with my new crowns.
I have pushed myself daily to do at least one thing that I have trouble with, like eating breakfast in the restaurant, going into a shop, even just talking with a stranger, simple things to many of you guys, but massive achievements for myself....
My partner has still been so kind and considerate through all this, really couldn't ask for a better girlfriend, she is amazing, and I am very lucky to have her by my side.
It will be 9 weeks in a couple of days, and still looking for that corner to turn around....
I need to refresh myself with CBT, does anyone have any book recommendations? Something I could get on my iPad would be awesome, any suggestions....
Cheers guys, Jase....

[AnxiousSince1998]

So today marks 9 weeks and the last 2 days I've felt horrible to be honest.
Yesterday went on a tour which involved a 2 hour drive, then short boat ride to a fishing pontoon, where I was shakey, nauseous, overwhelmed, restless, breathless and down. This time 2 years ago I was so passionate about fishing, why do I now have no drive to do ANYTHING? We left there after a few hours, then drove for another hour to a really lovely beach, where once again, I was on edge for most of the time. Such a beautiful place and here I am feeling like I could break down any moment. I had a massage there, and that was the turning point.. Felt OK after that and the long drive home wasn't so bad. My partner mentioned she hasn't seen me that down in a while, which made me feel sad. Extremely tired last night and fell asleep around 11pm, only to wake this morning at 3/5/6/7am....
Today I really am a mess. I'm shaking internally, have knots in my tummy, headache is brewing, feeling nauseous, feeling foggy and not with it, everything seems daunting and overwhelming, I get weak on my feet and now lying down again, I'm dizzy, edgy, drained of all energy, and have no interest in doing anything.... WHATS HAPPENING TO ME? I should be waking up fully charged and fresh to enjoy another beautiful day here, but no, I'm depleted of all motivation and feel like doomsday is coming....
Sorry for the negative rant, just feeling really down....
Jase.

[hanshan]

Hi Jase,

Lots of people on NMP have mega-problems with holidays away. There's all the stress of airports and flights (though you are probably used to that from your work), then the stress of feeling that they should be relaxed and having a great time when they are still having to cope with anxiety.

Is it possible to meet with your friend in a quiet part of the hotel where you feel comfortable (or in your room) and get the staff to bring you food and drink there - it should not be a great problem to them.

On the med front, I take pregabalin plus an AD. This was the best change in meds for me after many years of anxiety. Unfortunately, I don't think pregabalin is PBS listed for anxiety in Australia - your doctor can prescribe it, but you pay the full cost, which is a couple of dollars a day (but no more than what many people willingly hand over for their morning coffee and muffin). It doesn't work for everyone (maybe about 50%) and side effects can include erectile dysfunction (which has seen some people drop it really fast), but if it does work it is very helpful. Also, it can help replace diazepam and other benzodiazepines. Talk to your psych if your current medication isn't working.

[AnxiousSince1998]

Thank you hanshan for taking the time to read and respond to my post. It's now 3pm here and have spent most of the day lounging around trying to relax. I did go for a walk along the beach for half hour or so, but felt drained afterwards so now I've come to my room to try and get a little nap in. I did try and sleep by the pool, but just too busy with kids and couldn't switch off.

I will talk to my psych when I get back to Melbourne about wether these meds are working for me, but either way I am quite scared about having to either stop, or increase the dosage, both I believe will have all the awful side effects again.... Will see what he says.

I think my main problem is anticipation anxiety, along with social anxiety. I may be already 'worrying' about my flight/having to cope going back to work etc, which is causing all my symptoms to reappear. This morning I was convinced something was seriously wrong with me - maybe I had been bitten by a mosquito and have a virus, maybe my body was about to shut down with some unknown illness.... It's crazy, the vicious circle our minds can lead us to.

I will have to look up pregabalin, as I have never heard of this med. Thanks once again for some kind advice mate.

Cheers, Jase.

[hanshan]

Hi Jase,

I think you've hit the nail on the head when it comes to anticipation and anxiety. Fear is about danger that exists right now, but anxiety is about anticipating possible dangers.

Most people learn to put a lid on possible dangers, but the anxiety sufferer can't and feels them all terribly. One non-med approach is mindfulness, where you live in the moment which is not dangerous, and shut out all the what-may-be.

Anyway, good luck, and a peaceful journey back to Aus.

[AnxiousSince1998]

Thank you for your kind, wise words mate.