Feel so strange...

[Sugarplum001]

Hello,
Sorry if I'm repeating myself from my previous posts but I'm struggling quite abit. I literally feel so strange to be a person! I feel like I've just been put in this body 5 minutes ago and nothing feels right at all. I feel like I don't know who I am and my whole body feels wrong and weird. I have been making myself go out but I'm finding it hard to distract myself at all as I'm constantly petrified of this strange feeling. It literally feels like I've never been a person before and being in a body looking out feels very strange. I've been suffering for a while now (about a year and half) but before I could feel the intensity rising and then after a little while it would lower and I could engage in something but for the last couple of months (especially these last couple of weeks) the intensity just keeps rising. I wake up early and then can't get back to sleep as I lay there feeling horrendously strange checking if I know who, where and what I am. Each day I feel like it gets worse and I'm just so scared that I'm just not right and I can see everyone getting on around me and I'm just stuck feeling like I'm never going to be right as I feel like I've forgotten what 'normal' feels like. Is this still dp?
What can I do to even get back to lowering the intensity?
Many Thanks
Xx

[ana]

Hi there. Have you spoken to a medical professional about this feeling? Are you on any medication?
I've felt like that before, questioned my existence, and I still get the feeling like my body doesn't belong to me. Saying that, I mainly feels as though nothing around me is real, including myself. That's just depersonalisation, though, and I think that's what's happening to you, too. Please continue distracting yourself and, if at all possible, try paying as little attention as possible to your symptoms, and you'll see that they'll subside eventually.

[Sugarplum001]

Thank you for your quick reply it's much appreciated. I've been back and forth to the Drs with not much joy...I keep getting referred for phychiatrists or assessments and then it never gets any further. I'm not on any medication...I tried a few but just don't get on well
With them either. I'm just so scared that I'm getting further and further into it and won't be able to get out. I've experienced dp in the past but this time around feels so different and much more intense. I haven't driven in over a year! I had a couple of months where I was going ok but it seems to have returned so much worse. Everything just feels so strange. My home doesn't feel like I've been here before, belongings don't seem real or mine and it's this overwhelming feeling that I'm this person in a body. I feel so detached from my life like it doesn't belong to me. It's like I've completely switched and everything has gone strange. Xx

[ana]

I'm so sorry to hear that you're struggling so much at the moment. :( It certainly feels like you've got a subconscious need to detach from your life for some reason, which might be something worth looking into. I find that panic/anxiety symptoms often reflect an existing dissatisfaction in life and/or one of our biggest fears. I wish I knew how to reassure you. I think therapy is the only cure when it comes to these things as it allows us to get to the root cause of the issue. Could you perhaps go and see someone privately, for just one session for them to give you assessment? I spent years in therapy with someone who wasn't right for me. It was going nowhere, and the treatment was inadequate. Now I'm seeing a different therapist, and I feel like I'm finally making progress. The right therapist can make all the difference.

[Sugarplum001]

Thank you for replying...I was seeing someone private when it was bad before and I have just contacted to restart appointments. I fear that I've gotten so far into it that I can't get out now. Everything just feels so strange. I forced myself to go out for a couple of hours this afternoon and I tried busying myself but the feeling are constantly there and I just want to cry. I feel like I just don't know me and I've changed and nothing feels right at all. It's the fact that it feels different from how I felt when I had it bad before that's scaring me. If I explain it it feels like how I've been explaining it all along but the feelings feel worse. I don't seem to be getting any restbite from it at all and before I could ride through the very intense knowing it would pass and calm down but now I literally just feel I've been out here in this life 5 mins ago and I'm trying to figure out what the hells going on. Xx

[ana]

I'm glad to hear you've contacted that same doctor you used to see privately. You've most definitely not got too far into it, and you're not beyond help. I don't know you, but I know I'm right! The reason why I know I'm right is because I've felt like that before: I felt I was beyond help, that things have got too far, too bad, that nothing could be done any more...only to discover that things do change for the better, and quite fast at that!
My therapist has told me that depersonalisation is a manifestation of extreme anxiety and can be prevented by keeping the overall anxiety levels low. I get those 'holes' in memory, too. Apparent holes. When depersonalisation hits, it's almost as if I've lost track of time and you've no idea what's going on any more. I hope you feel better as the evening progresses. You will be OK, I know you will.

[Sugarplum001]

Hello, thank you again for the reassurance. I pushed myself to go out to an event last night something I've not done in a very long time and I really struggled...the feelings just stayed with me all night and this morning I could just cry. I get worried that there's something else wrong like a tumour (which I know doesn't help panic matters) I literally feel funny to be a person and feel like I can't remember what 'normal' is. I'm just so scared that the feelings arnt right. I feel like I've just been put in this body 5 mins ago and nothing's right. My whole body feels strange. Sometimes I can just feel my eyes and sometimes I can just feel my head and my whole body shape feels weird. Sometimes I feel like I'm in front or to the side of myself. It feels odd to be in a body looking out. I'm just struggling to accept anxiety can cause this constant feeling. I literally feel like I don't know who I am or what a person is and then I realise this is all real and I am this person. It's just so scary and I feel like I'm going completely crazy.
Thank you again xx

[ana]

I think you should be so proud of yourself for having gone out! I know it's easy to overlook these victories and successes, and focus on the negatives instead, but please try and feel good about yourself. Yes, it wasn't great, you could have felt calmer, but this really is just anxiety. I went through a similar plight not too long ago. In fact, I was experiencing severe panic and depersonalisation from 7 pm last night till...an hour ago. I got better somehow, I don't know how. That doesn't matter, what matters is that it didn't kill me, it can't, nor can it cause me any permanent damage.
Anxiety can't drive you insane, it doesn't work that way. Your symptoms are bad now, but it wasn't always like this, it was good once, and it'll be good once again.

[Sugarplum001]

Any advice on how to distract myself as soon as I wake up? As soon as I'm awake I'm feeling totally funny to be here and a person and I'm check if I'm ok and feel alright and then it just gets more and more intense throughout the day. I've been trying so hard to push myself to do things these last few days but I only feel worse and it's really upsetting me. I've woke up early again this morning and feel completely strange questioning my whole body and being a person and who I am etc. it's making Me so upset as I feel like I'm losing my mind and that there's something really wrong to be feeling this way. I just don't know how to stop it or accept it. Many thanks x

[ana]

It sounds like your anxiety levels rise the moment you start paying attention to the feeling of unreality. The more you 'check' if you're ok, the more your mind starts looking out for clues that you're not ok.
It's about breaking the habit of what you do each day that's the key here, I think. Your routine is waking up and thinking about how you're feeling. How about, instead of doing that, you get up and do some exercise, first thing? It doesn't have to be a complicated routine, just something that gets you moving and wears you out at the same time, like a 5 minute HIIT routine that will release some of that psychological tension. Alternatively, you could try listening to some binaural beats the likes of this one (that, btw, relaxed me last night before bed as I was feeling my anxiety levels rise)
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=i27s...wN7mY&index=44

Say, my routine is taking a tablet every morning....thing is, I withdrew medication 9 days ago, though I'm still reminded of the 'step 1: ingest tablet' command my brain is familiar with. I'm trying to break that pattern by checking my phone the moment I wake up, and by also having a glass of water. It's not particularly exciting, but the phone distracts me from craving the old routine, and the water makes me feel like I've 'taken something'.
I hope this helps, sorry, I don't think I've been very helpful.