Hello all,
as you can see from my nickname, I have been having these problems for some time now.
I believe I still remember the first time I experienced a panic attack. It was shortly after getting my first job and I remember working alone in an office and suddenly feeling really ill. I was really scared and didn't know what it was, as I was alone, I just lay on the ground and felt better after a while.
I didn't really think about it much, just thought it was some kind of random illness and id didn't happen again for several weeks... but then again, while driving... I felt like fainting and did like 40mph for a 20 miles on a highway with flashing indicators.
From then, it just happened sometimes, sometimes more, sometimes less, but as I didn't know what it really is, I though it is something I can't control and my fear just grew...
In the end, few years after that and in another work, I ended up unable to go to work, almost unable to leave the home alone. I went to the doctor and my blood pressure, mostly from waiting in the waiting room, was like 200/120. Then I got some pills for blood pressure and it did get better, but they just made me sleep and cured the symptoms a bit but didn't really solve the problem. In the end, I stopped taking them.
Forward several years (3-5) and there I was, successful at what I did, but scared now not only from going on long business trips which involved highway (and staying overnight in a hotel which was almost unthinkable, I stayed up most of my nights there..) but also in the end unable to go to my local office.
Then I realized that something needed to change. Maybe it was more of an act of desperation, but it really saved me. The thought was - I cannot live like this. If I have all those thoughts about dying, then lets get through with it. Let's die.
Apparently, I didn't, but it really helped me on the right track and soon after that, I got to the definition of agoraphobia and realized that is almost exactly what I'm experiencing!
This was two and half years ago and today I commute 1,5 hours to work by train and subway and I spend recently several times close to three hours non stop on train, which was really not imaginable for me two years ago. Also I no longer panic in the car, no matter what the distance or situation.
I'm not sure if I make any sense, I didn't try to put it to paper in one try like this before, feel free to ask any question.
And in the end, one quote which really keeps me going. I'm huge fan on Marvel movies, so excuse my childishness, but here goes:
It is a variation of what Bruce Banner says to cpt. America in Avengers - "That's my secret, I'm always angry". For me it is more like "I'm always scared" which means that I accept who I'm, that I probably can't get rid of this, and to be honest, I don't even want to, as hard as it was and still is sometimes, it brought many new perspectives to my life.
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