Health anxiety is ruining me

[BrokenAge]

I apologize in advance for I post so much here but health anxiety has invaded my life and it's taking over. I'm so convinced I have cancer EVERYWHERE. I can't help it. I get a head ache, instantly brain cancer. A sun burn and it's skin cancer. A small bruise and it's leukemia. I just can't help but worry. I'm so paranoid about my lymphnodes. I check then so often now. I have a couple ingrown hairs on my right upper jaw and it makes me feel like that's a swollen lymphnode. I've honestly never even had a swollen lymphnode so I'm not sure how they feel but I'm so worked up I'm dying. My mom has anxiety so she sympathizes with me but recently me and my dad got into a fight and told me I'm a self centered ******* and the reason I have health anxiety is because I only think of myself. Oh boy did that make me feel great. I'm so anxious I can't even sleep. Not sure what to do. Wish I could see a doctor just to test if there is anything wrong with me but that's out of the option. I'm at a loss here.

[MyNameIsTerry]

Sorry to hear you are having a rough patch, Nick.

Arguments certainly make it all worse. Give it some time to let your anxiety cool off, the emotions need to settle. Hopefully making it up with your dad will help you too, I always found that helped as I would feel guilty.

People say things in the heat of the moment. What counts is how your dad has been with your all your life. if this is out of character for him, it's going to be a case of lashing out under pressure and I bet he will feel just as bad about it (but he may not admit it).

A good start in tackling this, because of your OCD side, is stopping or cutting down on compulsions. You've got one showing with checking the lymph nodes. You say you wouldn't even know what to look for anyway, a good acknowledgment, but such compulsions are going to keep you in the cycle. When it comes to that urge to check, give yourself a waiting period before you do it and notice how it makes you feel. See if you feel less tense after a certain timeframe and if you do, that tells you that you can wait in future and not do the compulsion. If the anxiety doesn't reduce, it may mean more time is needed to pass through it but I know in times are high anxiety it may not reduce so you will have to see how you feel about this.

Do something else with your hands if the anxiety doesn't come down.

I know one way I took care of some touching compulsions was to do it slowly and acknowledge it. I would tell myself, as I was doing it, "I am choosing to do this and I accept that". I would do it slowly and surely, put effort into it rather than my quick compulsions that would be do them quickly & repeatedly. I would then walk away and tell myself I chose, not my anxiety. I don't know if that's a technique, it just came to me one day and it worked where resisting was failing. I guess I took control of the thoughts. Obviously, it's not recommended for certain things (violent thoughts, sexual harm, etc) but it was just when I was touching things when I was out due to urges.

Also, look for covert compulsions too. Your themes around more serious mental illness, like all Pure O themes, will lend themselves more to subtle mental compulsions than physical ones like your lymph node checking.