GAD/ Health Anxiety and my personal mission to get my life back
Hey everyone. This is my very first time posting on this forum. I have visited the site on a few occasions before but never actually stopped to take a deeper look. I wanted to introduce myself and give a brief description of what has become of my life over the last year and a half.
My name is Austin and I graduated from college last year. They were the 4 most amazing years of my life and boy If I could go back and do it all over again I would! Its been about 8 or so months since I left Philadelphia and moved back home. Originally I had only planned to be here for a short while as I figured out my future. A month turned into 2 and so on. I would frequently do freelance work back in Philadelphia and often drove up even just to visit. That is when I had my first panic attack. I was driving down the interstate and it was by far the scariest moment of life at the time. Eventually obviously I calmed down figured out what had happened and continued my trip. From that day however, panic attacks would be a part of my everyday life for a long time. At the time I didn't understand why I was having them. Sure it wasn't great being at home, but I was generally happy, I have fantastic parents, and I always had hobbies to keep me busy.
I slowly spiraled farther downhill and was having panic attacks every day. Sometimes several a day. The constant on and off attacks caused me to greatly lose energy, sleep, and happiness. I have always thought of myself as an intelligent guy, so first I try to rationalize with myself, why this was happening. I told myself you are just having trouble being out of school and upset that you haven't gotten a new job yet. Well eventually the panic attacks subsided and I would maybe only have one every week.
In December, after several months of being home, my perfectly healthy mother required quintuple bypass surgery. We went in the first week thinking she only needed a stent or two, and all of the sudden they were scheduling surgery for the next week. They were all shocked that she had five blocked arteries. They said she was the tinniest woman they had ever had for such a procedure. This was now just three days before Christmas but I could hardly worry about the holiday. All i wanted that year was for my mother to be okay. Obviously she was and she has been recovering amazingly ever since, however at the time, It made everything about my panic even worse. I could barely breath the 5 days spent in the hospital.
During my senior year I had my own heart looked at because i had a minor arrhythmia. All the test were done and they found nothing saying I could live with it and not have any issues. Obviously after what happened with my mother, I started worrying if they were wrong about me. That is when my health anxiety really started. Luckily thanks to my mothers recovery, my panic attacks stopped. I think it was because I was so focused on taking care of her that I didnt have time to panic. Unfortunately the panic changed to anxiety that hasn't lifted since. Some days I am okay. But okay just means that I don't spend hours looking up symptoms and being hyper aware of my own body.
Over the last several months my anxiety and hypochondria have worsened. I have convinced myself that I have had, lymphoma ( turns out the bump under my arm was just a clogged sweat gland), heart disease, ALS/Parkinsons. The latest worry of mine is MS or some form of neurological disorder. I notice a twitch or a spasm or really any small thing. I have become so hyperaware of my entire body, that I can always find something to worry about. It has gotten to the point that convincing myself that I have something actually causes my symptoms to get worse. I know it is mostly psychosomatic. I tell myself all the time that my fears are irrational. I look things up online only trying to convince myself that I am okay, but instead it makes me worry even more. I should know better by now, but I still do it and I still notice symptoms all the time. I try my best to reason with myself but it's often a loosing battle.
I have started counseling and have gone for two weeks now. It has honestly been fantastic and after the sessions I have come out feeling really great but it only lasts for that day maybe two if I am lucky. This constant fear and worry has taken a tole on my life. I am no longer interested in doing so many of the things I love, I have no motivation to look for a job now because I am afraid that I will have panic attacks, or I won't be able to drive, etc. My fears are holding me back and I know that having so much time on my hands is one of the reasons all this anxiety started in the first place.
It feels like I am stuck in a deep hole. Both of my legs are broken and all I have to dig myself out is a spoon. It feels like an impossible task. I was always such a positive person. I had many friends and I loved going out and walking around the city. I feel ashamed to even complain about my life because I know there are so many people who have it worse and have real problems. I am ashamed that I am not working. I have never been one to take a handout or expect something for free, yet here I am living at home. I feel like I have failed as a human and that I will never escape this horrible pit that I am in. I try everyday to pull myself together and I know that this can't last forever, yet it feels like it will.
I have come here because I am hoping that with all you wonderful people I can get my life back together, and figure my problems out. I just need friends right now and I have none. I hate doing this alone.
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