Awful hour to have a PA

[davidthegnome]

Well folks, I'm still in the aftershocks of a panic attack as I type this so I apologize if it's not in my usual writing style.

It's really strange, how this one hit me. I was doing so well, feeling better, less afraid, stronger. I haven't had one this bad for weeks. I've actually gone two whole days without taking my lorazepam at all as I haven't really felt the need for it (yes, I did wean down properly first). I was so proud, thinking I was finally beating this bloody thing. Well, at least beating the panic attacks.

Well, tonight has proved differently. I just woke up at about 1:30 AM and had this terrifying feeling. A feeling of doom, almost as if all the light in the world suddenly vanished and all that was left was terror and darkness. I woke up and I thought I heard a pounding, almost like a very light drumbeat in my ears. Great God did that scare me. Like panic attacks aren't enough already, I thought! Now maybe I'm hearing things too!

Somehow I managed to force myself to get up and go outside, to see if the sound wasn't in my head. Thank God, it wasn't, could have been anything, the fridge, my mom's fan in her room. This is the first time a sound has really gotten to me like that though.

So, still terrified I was going mad, I decided to call the crisis hotline where a woman was able to tell me I wasn't going crazy. On the other hand, she'd met me before during my week in the crisis center when I was even worse off. Now she's telling me I'm allowing panic disorder to control my life. Apparently I'm not going out enough or making enough effort and this "thing" has me "by the tail". She told me I had to learn new "coping skills", as if I didn't know every trick in the book already, I'm no novice. I always get the feeling that she's full of veiled contempt for me, really annoys me. She has a really condescending attitude. Bloody woman, I'd like to see her handle it. That said, even if she and I don't particularly like each other I'm glad I had someone to talk to.

I think I'm slowly calming down a bit. I've got a bad heartburn and wonder if maybe that's from the panic attack or the pizza I ate tonight... and a tiny part of my mind wonders if it's a heart attack or a sign of impending doom. Unlikely... just this damn anxiety.

Of course, now I'm really afraid to go back to sleep. So probably going to be up for a bit.... at 2 13 AM... when no one else seems to be up. Hope you're all sleeping better than I am....


God bless you all,

Dave

[Jimbo]

Hey Dave,

Hope you managed to get back to sleep. It's even more confusing this morning with the clocks changing.

I too have had these sort of attacks where you wake up in the night with an intense feeling of doom. I often get it following nightmares, I'm sometimes convinced the end of the world has come or something apocalyptic is happening.

News 24 usually saves the day for me to reassure me everything is ok.

Glad you phoned the crisis team, I'm sure there was some method in her madness. Maybe making you question yourself and the panic helped somehow?

Don't worry about the hearing things, it's sometimes the case that when we're in a high state of anxiety or panic that strange things can happen.

It's just a 'blip', they sometimes happen, don't let it bring you down. You sound like you are doing really well.

Jim

[davidthegnome]

Thanks bud. It's just spooked me and brought me down a bit because I've been doing much better lately, first bad panic attack in quite a while. These ones in the middle of the night are really horrid aren't they? Funny you should mention dreams, I had a bad one too. I actually had a dream about the forum, oddly enough. Does anyone else dream in text some times or am I just odd? lol

Anyway, in my nightmare people were all talking about how awful they felt and everyone was fighting each other, throwing insults around and such. It was weird and scary to see all of my buds here suddenly going off at each other, glad I was only dreaming it.

Wish I could go back to sleep. I'll probably give it a shot in an hour or so. Just have to wind down first. My eyes are wanting to close, so I think my body is tired enough, just has to convince my mind... lol

God bless you,

Dave

[Jimbo]

Does anyone else dream in text some times or am I just odd?

rofl

You wouldn't believe some of the bizzarre dreams I've had about NMP, lol.

Sleep well,

Jim

[sandie]

Hi Dave

Its truly dreadful when you wake in the middle of the night with such a frightening panic attack. I think you've handled it incredibly well - even ringing the crisis center. Shame you didn't hit if off with the woman at the end of the line, but she obviously thought she was helping, and who knows, maybe at some unconscious level she was??!! In its own way it was a distraction I suppose.

Its probably just about normal getting up time in the States about now - hope you managed to get some more sleep and you have a peaceful and relaxing Sunday.

Take care

Sandie

[Nibbles]

You are doing so well bud and you coped brilliantly last night. From my recent experience I know exactly what you mean about the woman on the crisis hotline. Like my psychologist she was only trying to help and because she only makes contact for the occasional few minutes she doesn't get the full picture of how hard you're trying. I know that you are fighting against the anxiety which is why you're reducing your lorazepam and are considering voluntary work. You have every reason to be proud of yourself so keep going at your own pace. Unfortunately blips are a part of recovery and I know they're upsetting when they come after improvement. Give yourself a massive pat on the back because you deserve it bud.

I'm a firm believer of taking little steps to recovery because otherwise you're setting yourself up for a fall. You might have heard of this before but something I have done is written down all the areas in my life which my anxiety is affecting. I then picked one point which I felt I could tackle and created a step by step plan to achieve the goal. In my case it is to get back into work but for you it could be to visit the library and have a look for David Gemmell books or something. You could start by looking on the library's website (if they have one) as your first step and build things up until you feel able to go to the library and browse for a while. What is so important though is that you go at your own pace because only you know how much you can manage.

I hope some of what I said is useful and that you feel better soon. Take care and here is a designer box with en suite bathroom, arcade room, home cinema, four poster bed and private swimming pool!

[manmoor]

Big hugs for the American gent hope your feeling better today xxx

[maya]

So sorry to hear about your PA. The good news is that you hadn't had one for a while which is a good thing!

I hope you feel better today! HUGS

[LadyBug]

Hope you are feeling much better!!!