I really cannot cope anymore...

[Kay8010]

I am writing on here again because I feel that someone might just listen to me (as you all have previous).

You all know I suffer from severe HA and its just getting to the point now where I REALLY cannot cope anymore.

I still have the bowel issues - they became a little more normal last week but then this morning its turned again.

On top of all the bowel cancer worries and weight loss I am faced with getting married in 18 days and we are moving house this coming Sunday, I have so much to face right now I cannot tell if I am coming or going, I am trying my hardest to keep things 'a float' but I am not coping I think I am having a nervous breakdown. I have now also developed lower back pain that is radiating into my left buttock and hip and shooting electric shock pain in my right leg.

I am really struggling to hold it all together, I really do not want to see my GP again as its no good for me it makes my HA more severe. I need to get a grip I know I do but how? how do I do this?

I have my scheduled colonoscopy next week Wednesday for which that just petrifies me in itself I seriously could not cope with another disaster, I have had way too much stuff going on in the last 4 weeks than in my whole life!

I am petrified that I loose so much weight from now to the wedding that my wedding dress does not fit, I am constantly counting my calories, in my mind I am trying to stay off eating more than 1500 cals a day so that if I have lost more weight I have a reason, if I eat the normal cals that I should and still loose weight then something is most definitely wrong...I have this demon in my head, I am so tired of trying and arguing with myself in my head, everyday I defy myself and argue with my inner demon.

I am not typing this for anyone to advise me on CBT or upping calories or IBS etc..all I need is a shoulder or listening ears.

Sounds pathetic all of this but I am truly in a s*&% place right now!

[Beckybecks]

I understand exactly when you talk about the demon in your head. It can become constant and feel as though you really can't cope anymore. But you will.

No wonder you're so anxious with a forthcoming wedding and the colonoscopy.

Your anxiety is more than likely making your IBS symptoms worse which is causing you more anxiety. It's also causing you to focus on your weight and calorie intake.
You're in a loop that you need to break.

Once you have the colonoscopy and are reassured that there's nothing wrong I'm sure you'll calm down enough to enjoy your wedding.

Has your Doctor given you anything to help you relax. I'm not much for medication but there are times when we need it.

You don't sound pathetic. So many people on this forum have been where you or are in a similar place right now.

Im battling this HA monster constantly and I know how much it helps when I can share with fellow sufferers.

I too am going through an IBS flare up at the moment.

Stay in touch on here. It does help.

[Kay8010]

Thanks for your response.

I have not been diagnosed with IBS but I am hoping that all of this is IBS when it comes to my bowel issues.

My mind is in over drive every little pain and its just crazy in my head. My doctor refuses medication only because I am at high risk as I am on warfarin & he says I really need CBT, I am at a loss, my mind is all over the place.

I am 1000% convinced I have bowel cancer, its frightening me to the point I really do not want to even leave the house, afraid of stomach aches, back aches etc...I cannot think of anything else right now.

I am becoming frightened of food and people (how stupid)!

[Beckybecks]

I know the feeling. We become so obsessed with our symptoms that we can't focus on anything else. There's no space left in our heads for everyday things because w 're imagining and completely convinced that we have some or other fatal illness.

What would it take for you to feel reassured that you only have IBS? if they find nothing with the colonoscopy will you then believe that it's IBS or will your mind search for some other illness to worry about?

Why I ask is that what you're really dealing with here is HA and not bowel cancer.
From experience I know that it just goes on and on. Your mind constantly searches for another symptom and another illness.

It's a shame you can't take some medication just to take the edge of your anxiety. With the anxiety gone you'd be able to think rationally.

I've found that with HA every little symptom is magnified and and on top of that our anxiety causes all our muscles to tense and we get more pain. Then more anxiety. And so it goes on. And on.

I've had backache that lasted for months. I was convinced it was a tumor or something equally fatal. But what actually happened was that my anxiety caused my back muscles to tense up and what was a pulled muscle developed into months and months of pain and physio.

Same goes for my stomach issues and IBS symptoms.

I'm only telling you all this to give you some reassurance and hope.

[Kay8010]

Hi again

I have always to some extent had HA but since January this year it has sky rocketed and really do not know why!

If nothing is found with the colonoscopy then I will calm down knowing there is nothing in there causing all these changes in BM's...

I am so severe right now that this back ache is leading me to believe that the tumor from my colon is pressing on my spine......and with the weight loss the symptoms are evident is CC, I just want to cry.

I am in turmoil with my mind, feels like I am going mad. I am hungry but then look at food and think 'no its too many calories so I either eat half or not at all or opt for water', I have a healthy appetite and always have done my entire life and never lost weight (as I never stuck to any diets) but seems now the weight is just falling off me (and I am still eating), I cannot stand on a scale right now as even if I just as much think about it my heart races and I feel like passing out!

I am hoping and praying that the colonoscopy shows nothing sinister as it will be my sanity and the fact it will be 10 days before I get married (if it happens depending on the result of course)......

I am sorry to sound so negative but I just simply cannot be positive at the moment, I have lost the 'spark'....

[rainbow]

I'm sorry to hear that you're feeling so bad. Everything seems to be happening at once for you just now and that can be so hard to deal with. Try to focus on one thing at a time, if you can.

I know you said you don't want to discuss cbt but I really think you would benefit from it. It helps you to rationalise which for HA sufferers is so hard. The demon you talk about, I think we all have that voice that refuses to give us peace. I literally argue with myself, out loud at times if I'm in the house alone. It's a constant battle.

When I'm really bad I notice every little twinge, pain, sensation in my body. We hyperfocus on everything, it's so tiring.

Remember I'm here if you need to talk x

[paranoid-viking]

I know how that feels. I find it very hard to be functioning these days due to my health paranoia and for me it is now becoming disabling. I have goodled intensively on pancreatic cancer and forund more horror and nightmare visions than reasurrances. It has come so far that I start to fail to function; I am calm in bed but do not want to wake up to a new day of horrific fear and destructive thoughts. I am considering having myself located to a psychiatric institution because I can not be functioning alone anymore. I am considering being located to such an institution until the fear is brought out of my system and I can go back to a functioning life again.

[Beckybecks]

Hi Kay. I pm'd this to you but changed my mind and posted here now as I think it may benefit others who have similar problems with weight loss.

A little more reassurance for you.

Being in a constant state of anxiety definitely causes weight loss.

I'm usually a bit over weight and not very good at dieting but when I go through periods of anxiety the weight just drops off me. I have been known to make my husband hide the bathroom scale because I couldn't stop jumping on it and going into panic mode when I'd lost another pound.

Partly I suppose it's because because my appetite goes too.
But I do believe anxiety chews up calories.

So if your anxiety about weight loss is causing more weight loss you can rest assured that this is all it is.
Carbs will help to maintain weight. I used to suck on chocolate when I couldn't face eating anything else.
__________________
General Anxiety and Panic Disorder for 20 years. Recently returned to South Africa from the UK
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[Kay8010]

Thanks Tracey (will message you in a bit), I dont want to feel like I am lumbering you with all my issues! Paranoid-Viking....I want someone to cart me away too, I dread every day, I get up make me a coffee and then the thoughts start 'what will I see in the loo this morning', 'what will happen today', 'what if I am diagnosed', 'omg what is that pain', I need to be knocked out and just carted away....

---------- Post added at 12:46 ---------- Previous post was at 12:43 ----------

I weigh myself at boots now and haven't weighed myself for 3 weeks this coming Thursday, my purse if filled with weight slips and I record my mood on all of them and re-arrange them and then re-calculate the weight loss again then go on google and see the range for the current weight and how many calories I should be consuming and then realize I am eating the normal so lower the calorie intake again......ITS RULING MY LIFE

Hi Kay. I pm'd this to you but changed my mind and posted here now as I think it may benefit others who have similar problems with weight loss.

A little more reassurance for you.

Being in a constant state of anxiety definitely causes weight loss.

I'm usually a bit over weight and not very good at dieting but when I go through periods of anxiety the weight just drops off me. I have been known to make my husband hide the bathroom scale because I couldn't stop jumping on it and going into panic mode when I'd lost another pound.

Partly I suppose it's because because my appetite goes too.
But I do believe anxiety chews up calories.

So if your anxiety about weight loss is causing more weight loss you can rest assured that this is all it is.
Carbs will help to maintain weight. I used to suck on chocolate when I couldn't face eating anything else.
__________________
General Anxiety and Panic Disorder for 20 years. Recently returned to South Africa from the UK
Forward Message Reply With Quote

[paranoid-viking]

Thanks Tracey (will message you in a bit), I dont want to feel like I am lumbering you with all my issues! Paranoid-Viking....I want someone to cart me away too, I dread every day, I get up make me a coffee and then the thoughts start 'what will I see in the loo this morning', 'what will happen today', 'what if I am diagnosed', 'omg what is that pain', I need to be knocked out and just carted away....[COLOR="blue"]

[

Do you also feel that autumn is making it worse? In my fearful and paranoid mind I definetely feel that and that I will not live to see another summer.