New diary

[W.I.F.T.S.]

Yesterday was my granddad's funeral. I'd been dreading it all week and felt pretty anxious and panicky at work, something that was compounded by recieving a threatening phone call on sunday evening from an anonymous person. I had the option of not going, but I knew that my family would be upset if I didn't and I didn't want to let it beat me...I'd rather experience panic at the funeral than regret for a long time for not going. I imagined myself sat at home while they were all at the funeral, thinking "I could've done it". It was made even harder by the fact that we had to go out of town to a crematorium and I very rarely leave town.

We were leaving my gran's house at 2.45 and at 1.15 I was still struggling to get out of bed and face the world. My dad really upset me by suggesting that I should have gone into work for the morning and by saying "it doesn't surprise me that you're making your brother drive". I felt so angry with him. He's got no comprehension at all of how difficult yesterday was for me and if I did try to explain it to him, he'd think it was an excuse for being lazy and selfish.....that's a whole other issue though. I sulked with him when I saw him today, that's about all I can muster right now.

I got to my gran's house and that was probably the worst part. I had to keep disappearing into the kitchen to get some space and I was texting everyone that I could think would be sympathetic towards me. Thoughts were going through my head like "there's no way that I can do this" and "I've got to do it. What if I get my own car and follow behind, so that I can't see the hearse?".

When the hearse did arrive, I held back as everyone else went outside. My aunty, who was in tears herself was saying "come on", but I was seriously debating not going. "I don't want to see it (the hearse)" I said, but she practically dragged me out of the house: "If I've got to do it, so have you". That was probably the shove that I needed, if truth be told. Seeing the hearse, it just looked like a wooden box. I tried to imagine my granddad inside, but I was pretty much ok with it. I had a bit of a tantrum in the car, upset with myself for being such a wimp, but my cousin's husband was really great and, between texting and talking to him and my brother, the 15 mile journey or whatever it was was easier than many other journeys out of town that I'd made.

At the crematorium, my family gave me the option of not going inside, but I wasn't about to go through all that and get there to wait outside. I made a joke out of it, saying that my brother and my cousin's husband would hold my hand. There were only 9 of us there, but I sat at the back on my own in case it got too much for me and I needed to make a dash for the door. Thoughts were going through my head such as losing control and running up to the front and knocking the coffin over or making a scene....I must have looked ridiculous with my trousers pulled up and my hands down my socks to try and keep them occupied and to put an obstacle between me and using them for any wrongdoing. I'd had an image in my head beforehand of losing it when the coffin went behind the curtain on a conveyorbelt....thankfully, it was purely symbolic and they drew a curtain on the coffin without it actually being burnt there and then.

I knew deep down that it wasn't going to be as hard as I thought it was going to be and I'm glad that I had the strength and determination to do it. I did feel very flat afterwards, but I guess that that's a combination of exhaustion from expending so much energy 'flapping' and sadness.

Today, I still feel a bit anxious. It's very hard (for me atleast), not to be overly conscious of my heart beating or what could go wrong with my body and it's also very difficult not to feel overwhelmed by the size of the world and the universe. Last night I did go out for a quick drink even though I felt like stopping in. That's what I have to do. I have to do things that I don't feel like doing, because I'll get there and I'll enjoy it more than expected. I won't find any happiness by stopping at home and waiting for my misery to pass.

I have been unhappy for most of my life, but I've tended to live vicariously, experiencing things through other people and being an observer, rather than getting involved myself. I read a phrase this week which, as a perfectionist, appealed to me: "participate in things passively, don't worry about performance or results, just give it a go". I'm still trying to work out my 'mix' with regards to depression and anxiety, whether one causes the other or whatever, but the bottom line is that you can't enjoy yourself if you can't relax. It is daunting thinking of the strength that I'm going to have to summon up to do the things that I want to do and to be the person that I want to be, but hopefully my confidence will snowball with the more scary things that I face and I can live life like a 'normal' person.

[happyone]

Firstly, I am sorry about the death of your grandad. That is really sad.

I think a well done is in order for you.
You have faced what anyone, even without anx, would find a daunting process.
Funerals are not nice things, and I can totally relate to your thoughts of losing control when there. I do this too, except with me I worry that I am going to laugh You didn't lose control and you did make yourself go.

Well done also for going out for a drink. You are right that things are not going to change by being indoors and waiting for it, but it ieasier I think to a degree to stay in and avoid the social contact. You are also right in that once youare out, often you find it more fun than you thought it would.
On saying that, take things easy. Rome wasn't built in a day. There is no point in flooding yourself with loads and loads of activities to then feel overloaded and unable to cope.

With regards to your dad not understanding. People don't. If they haven't had depresion or anx, they just don't. Accepting this I found has made things easier for me. Recently I had cause to realise that looking for something from my mum that I just wasn't going to get. It helped me to realise this as now I just won't look.

As to whether depression causes your anx or the other way round. It is a vicious circle I believe. I finally realised that it is my depression causing the anx. This helped me as it means I can receive the appropriate treatment. CBT was doing nothing for me as I was too depressed.

You can summon up the strength to do this and you have shown by what you postes here that you have reserves of strength that possibly even you didn't realise you had.

Happyone
xx

[W.I.F.T.S.]

I woke up in the middle of the night with the feeling that I'm 'better', but that my default setting is to be depressed and, so even if I'm over my illness, I'll still never be happy.

This morning I feel kind of normal, if a little flat and edgy. I don't feel quite so agoraphobic about the world outside. I can think of it more easily as being flat, rather than picturing myself on a globe. I feel more 'real'. But, on the otherhand, I still have this thinking feeling "oh my god, I'm human!".

[W.I.F.T.S.]

Why I feel like I'm depressed

Depression is very often caused by frustration, deprivation or a lack of something.

• I feel deprived of the ability to live like everyone else. Very often it's a struggle for me to leave my bedroom. I'm envious of people who can have a picnic in the sunshine or who can go for a leisurely walk.
• I feel deprived of the ability to have holidays, weekend breaks or to travel worldwide, as I have fairly severe agoraphobia and I feel panicky leaving my home town.
• I feel frustrated that I find it very difficult to relax with people, have a joke and to feel close to them.
• I feel deprived of the ability to have kids or a place of my own. I feel as if that sort of responsibility would be totally overwhelming and would sink me. I'd worry (more) constantly if I had kids.
• I feel financially deprived, although this probably isn't that unusual. I'm always broke. I'd love to have a really nice car and to have the confidence (albeit superficially) of a bit of status.
• I have, up until now atleast, felt deprived of a job/career that befitted me. I went to Uni and spent 4 years working lo-no paid jobs trying to crack it in the tv industry, but to no avail. I spent nearly all of my twenties feeling very depressed in 'McJobs'.
• (Snobbishly) I feel deprived of a nice, safe, middle-class upbringing. I'm not especially close to either of my parents and my breakdown demonstrated to me that when the sh*t hits the fan, I've got to sort it out for myself.
• I feel deprived as far as women go. I haven't had very many girlfriends and the ones that I have had have tended to be unsuitable unions, where I have got into it because I've been afraid of being on my own and I've had concerns about my 'sexual career'.

I know that most of them are crap, childish, materialistic reasons to be depressed. Infact, my whole breakdown does feel like a bit of a tantrum. I would love to be a bigger, more grown up, philosophical person. It's not coming easily to me though. On the otherhand, some of those reasons are pretty depressing...the question is 'are they valid or am I seeing the worst in things?'.

[W.I.F.T.S.]

New symptom! And not an imaginary one either!

It started a couple of days ago, getting quite a bad dull ache in my head whenever I leant forward. Now, it hurts whenever i cough or sneeze. Presumably, it's the muscles of my scalp being really tense and that's why it aches.

I've been kind of up and down with anxiety and depression over the last few days. I'm finding it easier to think of the world infront of me in the way that I used to see it: thinking of the 'hear and now' rather than picturing myself on the globe with an infinite amount of nothingness below us, but this headache is bothering me quite a bit and I'm feeling a bit depressed because it's a sunny long weekend, where everyone else is having fun and enjoying themselves and I feel quite restricted in what I can do and my ability to have a good time.

I'm also a bit concerned about work. I'm really flying at the moment and doing a great job, which is impressing my employers, but I'm exhausted. I'm kind of afraid that if I slow down that I'll slip into being more depressed, lethargic and having a bad attitude. I'm trying to convince myself that with my own projects things move in cycles: sometimes I'm energised and motivated and other times I'm not and I have to accept that pattern. Everyone else is the same and that's why they've taken two weeks off over Easter to recharge, whilst I've been in every day.

I just don't understand how my head can be such a mess and how I can find everything so difficult whilst everyone else gets on with things. My mum had quite severe agoraphobia, but noone else in my family has suffered from anxiety or depression as far as I'm aware. Nothing really bad has ever happened to me. I know I've got a few issues, but how and why should they make me feel this awful and for so long?

I really feel like I could do with looking after, but I know that if I don't face these things myself, that I'll never get over my many fears and phobias.

[W.I.F.T.S.]

I've had severe GAD and depression for over 4 years, but during that time I've succesfully negotiated: passing a forklift truck driving test (including having control of pallets with hundreds of boxes of wine on them 30 foot up in the air); managing 3 football teams (one of which won the league last year); going to my granddad's funeral; flying back from Amsterdam even though I had the worst panic attack of my life going out there; being best man at my brother's wedding; being successful in an interview for a job that I really wanted; climbing the Great Orme in Llandudno; and going to watch a local football team play in the north east involving some of my biggest phobias (agoraphobia, motorways, bridges, hills...).

I've had a horrible, scary, miserable time for the last 4 years. I've felt like I've needed locking up. I've felt suicidal. I may not have enjoyed doing any of those things that I've just listed, infact I hit the rescue remedy pretty hard for most of them (lol!), but really I'm proud of myself for doing them. There really can't be that many scarier things in life, for 'normal' people let alone nervous wrecks, than the death of a loved one, public speaking and specific phobias. Hopefully, if I can convince myself that that's about as bad as it gets, then I can start to relax.

I'm going to try and put a programme together for myself involving yoga, tai chi, swimming, football, diet, self-help books, relaxation time and anything else that I can think of. I really want to start enjoying life and feeling relaxed and 'chilled out'.

Apart from one short spell, when I got together with my first girlfriend I've always felt pretty miserable and uptight. I think generally I've felt that I'm missing out on 'life' and that everyone else was having a great time and loads of fun, while I sat at home with a can of lager and friday night telly. I think what happened was that finally feeling 'accepted as a human being' at the grand old age of 22 by this woman, gave me the confidence boost that I needed. I stopped putting such an onus on my career (not that I really had one) because I'd 'made it', someone loved me, so I could sit in cafes calm in the knowledge that I was 'there' and I didn't have to keep trying so hard.

About 6 months later she cheated on me and my descent into a nervous breakdown began. For most of the 4 years that we were together, I was living in Cheshire and she was living in London. Every couple of months she'd meet someone else and call it off with me. We'd then get back together when it didn't work out because I naively thought 'no one can compare to me'. I did live in London with her for a bit and then I moved in with a friend in a different part of the city. Within about 2 weeks of me having moved in there, I had to go away to be best man at my friend's wedding (which was a very proud moment for me and I wanted her to be there with me, but she refused). My girlfriend came round to my flat without me being there and had sex there with a guy who'd turned up with my flatmate's boyfriend. A few weeks after that, whilst we were having sex, she told me that the night before she'd had sex with someone else! I'm not racist, but like most white guys I feel a bit inferior to black guys in the trouser department...the guy she slept with was black and they did everything together that I thought was sacred to just us two. I think that they may even have had unprotected sex.

She never showed any remorse, infact she normally rubbed it in my face: I was 22 when we got together and 26 by the time she slept with the guy in my flat, who was 21. She was 42. When I next saw her, she 'confessed' what had happened by saying something like "what age is the sexual peak for a guy? Cos I'm sure it's 21!" or something like that. The list of ways in which she hurt me literally runs to pages and pages.

I was a wierd kid, but I think that I was getting to the point where I was feeling more confident: I was flying fairly comfortably; I didn't have much trouble driving around Britain and I even managed to drive to Amsterdam without a hint of panic! But, she really dragged me down and there was lots of drugs involved too.

I felt like I couldn't let go of the relationship because "I'd never have sex again" and I'd have to move back to Cheshire, where I had no friends anymore, as they'd all moved away and very little job prospects apart from factory work.

The actual point where my breakdown came was soon after the black guy (who she carried on seeing behind my back, sleeping in 'our' bed), where I knew that enough was enough and I had to call it quits and head back to Cheshire and start all over again. The night before I was due to come home I had a massive panic attack out of the blue....I didn't know that it was coming, although I'd been having urges to hurt myself such as by pulling my eye out, jumping under a tube train or headbutting spiked railings, which were really disturbing me.

I'd been in turmoil for atleast 6 months. Pretty much everyone that I knew had either turned their back on me because of my obnoxious, erratic behaviour or were very upset with me. I'd called my gran in a state of panic asking for money, which she said she didn't have and then somehow found to put into my account. I'd borrowed my mum's holiday money, promising to pay it back before she left and then neither paying it back or calling to apologise....my life was a complete and utter mess. I quit a job in a factory and then spent atleast a couple of weeks leaving the house and walking around for a couple of hours without a bean in my pocket whenever my flatmate was due home so that she didn't know that I wasn't working and couldn't pay the rent.

Ever decision that I made was out of pure panic and ended up getting me deeper and deeper into a hole. I took a job in direct sales, where I was only paid for what I sold, and it ended up costing me to go to work a lot of the time even though I was leaving the flat at something like 7.30am and not getting back until nearly midnight. Not long before I left London to come home I quit the job because I was going door to door in the pitch black in some tiny town outside London and they could see the desperation in my face....no one was going to buy from me. I got lower and lower with each door slammed in my face.

A guy that I was working with came to stop with me for a bit, whilst my flatmate was away on holiday. The answer to my rent nightmare, I thought! But, he stopped for a couple of weeks and then disappeared without giving me a bean!

When I did eventually come home I was told (after I'd already moved back) by my brother that my gran didn't want me living with her. My dad asked me if my depression was "an excuse" and the doctor told me that she didn't believe in talk therapy and that Prozac was the only solution. Which I had a particularly bad reaction too with a permenant headache, a numb nose, severe depersonalisation, insomnia for a week, a black toe, peeling skin on my hands and very aggressive, murderous thoughts.

Ok, no one died, but I think that that accumulation of events would knock most people sideways, let alone soneone already predisposed to anxiety and depression. Every time I tried to do something positive to help myself it would blow up in my face. I tried every trick that I could think of to buy me some time to get back on my feet, including getting a refund on some TV license stamps that my gran had given me. I was desperate and I just kept sinking lower and lower. One of the hardest things was that I felt like I had no one to turn to: my girlfriend was an evil bitch; my family were furious with me; my friends had almost all deserted me. I felt like I had no safety net and no one that I could trust.

Even now, 4 years later I'm still furious it my ex-girlfriend for the way that she behaved. I was literally apoplectic with rage towards her, which was probably one of the driving emotions of my breakdown. That, along with a sense of confusion about how to find my way out of the mess that i found myself in.

What could I have done differently? I should have left her as soon as she cheated on me, whilst I still had some self-confidence left, but I was in love, I was in lust and there were a whole host of other, less savoury reasons, such as she was my passport to living in London. There probably were other people that I could have lived with, but she had her hooks into me and it was very difficult for me to stop myself from going back, even though she destroyed me....very much like a drug.

Even though it brought out the worst in my personality (snobbishness, greed, selfishness, nihilism), there were good things too, which I would have missed out on otherwise. I'm not proud to admit that I did ecstacy, but it was great to feel so relaxed and happy for once. If I'd have left in the very beginning I wouldn't have got the job which meant that I travelled to Amsterdam and Ibiza. If I'd have come home straight away, I would have gone on somewhere else and I would have missed out on being here to appreciate my nephew's childhood and my granddad's final few years.

I think that the reasons why I still feel so rough are: because, even now, I still feel totally betrayed by my ex-girlfriend; I'm a 31 year old living with my dad and my gran, who are far from the most nurturing and supportive of people; I'm still not quite right chemically, I don't think...I don't feel totally grounded in my own body; I'm very tense and the slightest challenge quickly becomes a mountain which, depressingly, makes me feel very trapped and limited with regards to what I can do and where i can go.

On the positive side: I'm really enjoying my job (although I do need to learn how to switch off and my fear of commitment means that I keep panicking about the thought of being in the same job for the next 30 years and missing out on things!!); I'm at the top of the housing list, which will probably be my only opportunity to have my own place; I've got some really good friends around me (although I worry about them abandoning me) and I'm really getting into my football again!

Sorry for this epic....when I write it down I can understand how I got so anxious and depressed. It helps me to see the positives too.

[W.I.F.T.S.]

I've had a difficult day today. It was the first day back at school for the kids after the Easter holidays. I was quite tense about it, but when I got to the school where I work I nearly had a full on panic attack. I've developed a new symptom where it seems like I can feel my top half, but my legs feel like they're not there at all!! I felt really grim and I was worrying that I'd have to give up my job (which I enjoy) because I'm unable to function like a normal human being. I even got up early this morning to have some breakfast and to try and feel a bit more awake and ready for work.

Wierdly, once I calmed down, the thing that I was frightened of- people coming in to my office and wanting me to do things for them- became quite enjoyable and I got through quite a lot of work. I enjoyed the challenge. My mind did go blank a few times and I forgot how to do things that I do everyday though too. I got quite anxious when I couldn't work out how to do some things.

One of the teachers wants me to go out and take some pictures with a class of kids, but it's such a bad idea. I'm not far off being agoraphobic and the last thing that I want to be doing right now is going out of town and having a panic attack on a mini bus full of kids. I don't want to be going round, pulling all the teachers that I work with aside and telling them about my problem though, so it's difficult. I am open about it, but it doesn't seem right to be too open somehow.

Later on it got quite stressful trying to organise my football team: players pulling out, trying to find other ones, arranging lifts, wiping their arses....it's a grown up team by the way! I normally get pretty panicky whenever I have to drive to the place anyway and recently I've had to take other people there too, which makes me feel even more panicky about trying not to seem so panicky and also because, if it's just me in the car, if I have an intrusive thought to crash into a tree or something, it's only me that I'll hurt.

Amazingly, the second team, who have pretty much been bottom of their league for three seasons and who were expecting to get hammered by a team two divisions above them, won their game 5-1!!! The wierd thing is that yesterday we had a game and loads of people dropped out so, with minutes til kick off, we were a couple of players short. A team playing on the adjacent pitch didn't have a game because their referee hadn't turned up, so we were able to borrow three (out of about 20) of their players. They played really well and came tonight, with two of them scoring and the goalkeeper having a great game. How wierd is that? Talk about triumph out of adversity! If everyone had turned up on Sunday, I would never have met these other guys and tonight's scoreline would most probably have been reversed. By the way, my other team also won 2-0.

There are so many things that are going really well at the minute and I'm really enthused about so many things. I'd never have thought that I'd know so many people or be achieving so much. I really, really wish that I felt 'normal', so that I could enjoy it. I guess that it will come with time though and, when I am better, I think I'll notice that I've come much further than I thought!

One downer is that I agreed a payment scheme with a credit card company and they're calling up 7 or 8 times a day asking for me, which is winding my gran up and she's getting on to me about it.

But one more positive is that I've decided not to be so much of a walk over to an ex-girlfriend. I text her whenever I feel anxious and she used to reply, but now she only replies whenever she wants something. She asked before if I'd go to her house, drive about 100 yards to the off-licence to top her mobile phone up and drive back to give it to her even though I'm working and managing two football teams and she's off all day! Normally I'd be afraid that if I didn't do it she wouldn't be there for me when I'm having a panic attack, but she's not there for me anyway. There's being a nice bloke and being a total walkover. The worm has turned!!

[W.I.F.T.S.]

I read something yesterday about the differences between GAD and depression. It said that with GAD you're keyed up all the time and always fidgety and on the move, whereas with depression you're slowed down and lethargic. I have both, so I am full of beans a lot of the time, but I know that I'm expending energy that I haven't got and I'm exhausted as well. It takes me forever to do simple things (perfectionism compounds this). I remember once I was order picking in a bakery and it took me about 45 mins to do something that most people do in about 15 or 20 mins. I was superconscious about not making any mistakes and, when I looked up, they were all stood there looking at me and taking the piss. But, when I do try and do things faster I get myself in a tizz and make loads of mistakes, so it's no more effective.

Ever since I was about 18 I've been very tense, with big bags under my eyes. I constantly feel exhausted. I've got bad posture and I don't take as much care of my appearance as I should do. Every few months or whatever, it's as if the clouds part and I get into going to the gym more, I decide to colour my hair and I make a big push. Considering the handicap that I've got, I've done amazingly well. I've organised a celebrity charity football match, I run about 5 sports teams, I manage to go into work everyday.

In my mind, I say to myself that when I feel comfortable doing everyday things, such as going to work or going for a drink in town, then I'll push myself a little at a time. I have had particularly bad depersonalisation, so I really feel that if I can get myself feeling right in familiar environments then if I go outside my comfort zone and feel scared, I can always come back and feel ok again. I really want to do water sports and go paintballing.

I was a very nervous kid. I had a dummy til I was 7 and I didn't mix that well with other kids. For most of my formative years I lived vicariously, watching other people do things, but not having the courage to do them myself. I guess I need to learn that adrenaline rushes and nervous feelings aren't always such a bad thing, as they can also be a precursor to something really exciting and exhilerating. I think I got myself into being an old man way before my time...leading a quiet, gentle, passive life when I actually craved excitement and adventure....depression!

It does get to me when you see pics of celebs on the beach in the bahamas or dubai and I think "how could I ever possibly do that? I can't! That is something that's unavailable to me." I really want to give myself the freedom to do those sorts of things. I know that it's going to be incredibly hard, as I feel very panicky leaving my home town at the minute. But, if I can expand my comfort zone little by little, then I can give myself a platform for really surprising myself with what I'm capable of. I've been to Tenerife and Ibiza before and really enjoyed it. I do worry though that I'll get somewhere far away and have a meltdown and just want to come home again.

Another thing that has caused me a great deal of anxiety and depression is that I've been chasing a lifestyle that falls somewhere between young, urban professional with a trendy flat and a nice car and bohemian rockstar with drugs and debauchary. Stangely, I thought it was just me or just a clique, but there are a lot of people who get sucked up into it and spat out. I don't even know if I'd want to be 'trendy', if such a thing even exists. All that work pressure, greed, selfishness, shallowness, competitiveness. Sure it would be nice to have nice things, but I'm trying to manage my ego and that certainly wouldn't do me any good. And the bohemian rockstar thing is all bull. Look at Pete Doherty, so much talent and all we wants to do is get wasted when, if he was compus mentis, he'd be having the time of his life and achieving something.

I'm so glad that I've chosen to lead a 'healthier' lifestyle. I don't drink that much, certainly don't do drugs anymore, I'm having a go at trying to achieve things and I'm giving something back by working in a school and coaching football. I'm trying to do the 'right' things, things that a counsellor would advise, rather than sabotaging myself and trying to get obliterated. A friend from London called the other day, who has suffered from quite bad depression and he's still doing cocaine and weed and he wants to meet up to get pissed and the idea turns my stomach. All of that is behind me now. I want to feel fit, well and happy.

[W.I.F.T.S.]

I was talking to a friend before and he's always come across as one of the most cheerful, laid back, easy going people you could meet, but it seems like he might be a touch depressed too. He was saying that he doesn't like his job and that his girlfriend irritates him and he wants space from her. He was also saying that he doesn't want to go away with work tomorrow and that he doesn't even want to chase girls like he used to. To top it off, he said that he gets an urge to jump off tall buildings...like me!

I've said this before, but I do think that a very large proportion of people are quite unhappy deep down. I may just feel like that because I'm depressed myself, but I do seem to pick it up from a lot of people. It's generally because they want to change but they're afraid of it: afraid to leave home, afraid to leave their other half, afraid to leave their job. Being happy does take an enormous amount of courage, it seems. You do have to be brave and take calculated risks. You have to face your fears. You have to see the good in everything and you need to want to push your comfort zone. I really do want to be happy!

[W.I.F.T.S.]

Yesterday was quite a succesful day for me. I went to see my psychologist and he said that I seemed much calmer, then I went to the pub and a mate said that I seemed much calmer and then I came home and spent some time on the computer (feeling quite calm) before I tried to go to sleep....and had a really awful panic attack where I ended up on my bedroom floor in the chat room here!! What's that all about?! I have had a bit of trouble sleeping this week and that has caused me to worry about feeling physically unwell the next day, which could amplify any panicky feelings.

Generally though, I've been sat on a bench chatting to my line manager where normally I might be trying to stifle feelings of panic; I've sat and watched rehearsals for plays where I might have made my excuses and left before now.....I've felt like I'm settling into my new job and not like I'm going to get sacked or have to quit because of my anxiety.

It was quite funny actually, I was reading Overcoming Anxiety by Helen Kennerley and she sets up a hypothetical situation with about 4 possible outcomes: "you feel like you deserve a raise at work, but you're afraid to ask for it. Do you a) resign b) get your mum to ask for you c) go on long term sick leave to avoid the situation d) moan to anyone who will listen about how you never get a raise, but keep your feelings a wellguarded secret from you boss or e) ask for a raise. I've exaggerated a bit, but I can totally relate to that situation.