Hello-please forgive the length
I'm 69 years old.....an artist...my first panic attack was in June 1967. Not many were acquainted with the phrase "panic attack" back then particularly the psychiatrists....who promptly put me on heavy duty psychiatric drugs like Thorazine which did nothing but make me feel worse. Finally Valium was tried @ 10mg x 4 times daily.....(later switched to Ativan in 1982 when my then shrink had read how addictive Valium was and Ativan wasn't {showed me a pamphlet saying so!}. My guess is they discontinued that pamphlet! ) I've been taking 2mg 3 times a day ever since 1982..never needed more.......however...the last two years I've had bouts of depression.....all those years I had/have general anxiety too, but never depression until my current psychiatrist asked me if I ever asked me if I suffered from SAD.....(sigh) I'm like a sponge....well, I do now and it's not just with seasons...I'm an avid gardener..or I should say I was until last year...I just lost interest.....as well as my first love...painting....I still paint but it's forced....this is far worse than panic attacks...oh yes..them.....in the beginning I was getting 5 or more a day.....after 30 years maybe one a week or less.....then about 14 years ago (just before losing 90 lbs because I just hated being fat/out of shape..and kept it off, btw) I was in the middle of a store when I felt one coming on..I had a lot to get done that day....so I responded with anger to get it over with rather than fear...and just encouraged it to hurry up...to my surprise it didn't come.....I've had a few close ones since then but no actual attacks.....flash forward to the present.....my hypochondria (or "health anxiety as it's now called) is through the roof. I got gallstones from losing weight too fast but on a low fat diet because I'm trying to avoid surgery...all surgery....(seems during my early panic years I convinced myself that Carrier Clinic in Bellemeade, NJ held my cure. Little did I know in 1970 they still knew less than I did about panic disorder......they took me off Valium...yup, cold turkey....after a month convinced me to try electro shock as a cure (which has now been proven to do NOTHING to help panic disorder)....well, it seems on my last treatment somebody miscalculated and I lay awake until I passed out, unable to breathe but very aware.....boy did THAT have an effect on me......very nervous about ever needing surgery (actually I did a few years back...a melanoma taken off my back which I did with a local....where the surgeon missed the nerve and I felt it all....who knew I wasn't supposed to feel anything?)......anyway..over the next few decades I asked every psychiatrist I saw if they could work with an anesthesiologist and me to overcome this fear...none would do it....hence I fear surgery.
Okay...so I'm 69....depressed the hell out of me.....my body complains about everything I do...and combined with the depression..ugh! Last few weeks...no....last few months.....aw...okay....maybe since January.....my damn anxiety is getting more intense.....
Health wise I guess I'm pretty okay for my age. As I said I have gallstones but with my diet they rarely if ever let me know they are there....I sleep terrible...5 hours a night...I cannot get back to sleep..by 8am I am really craving that Ativan (well, lorazepam since I'm on Medicare)...I'm seeing a CBT psychologist but he hasn't been too much help in over a year....my glucose is under 100 (I get bloodwork..liver panel quarterly as I also take Prevacid for GERD)......cholesterol 212 but that's after I quit the low dose of station because it actually made me more depressed than I was........total testosterone 550 but the free is too low.....probably take too many supplements besides the one-a-day........oh yeah...and last two ekgs indicated I have rbbb with lafb (right bundle branch block and left anterior fascicular block)..scared the S out of me but my doc said to see a cardiologist if I wanted to be reassured....WHAT? I was fine until the machine printed out ABNORMAL EKG! So Dr. Google hasn't helped much with this giving me rather frightening articles only to find the next link saying the opposite...(sigh)......I do get pvcs/skipped beats/fish flops but are much better since I increased my magnesium.
I've probably lost 90% of those who started reading this..I'm sorry.....actually it's painful to write about myself though that's hard to tell from the length of this.....
Anyway..I'll try to keep future posts short.-Rich
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