Health anxiety caused by trauma?

[Emmaisworried]

Hello

This is my first time on the forums. I am nervous about posting but also relieved too as I can't keep living like this without support.

To give some context. 5 years ago my little girl has an anaphylactic reaction: she was ok but since then I have suffered from tremors in my legs from time to time. Initially I panicked and started to believe I had some sort of nureological condition. I've realised that if I breath properly I can often stop them from happening. They are also more prominent when I am stressed or anxious about anything. Even if I am not aware of feeling stressed - so in difficult work situations where I wel under pressure but ok? Does that make sense?

3 years ago I had my second child and shortly after I believe I started to suffer from anxiety. I think I had since my oldest child was poorly with her allergies but it hadn't been so obvious. It was there but I couldn't have labelled it. But after A was born I felt more and more anxious and one day I had, what I now believe was, a huge panic attack. I had palpitations, was sweaty, felt sick and thought I was going to pass out. My husband took me to the GP as we were nearby and all symptoms stopped in the waiting room. Literally stopped. My GP checked me over and said everything seemed normal. Since then I have had palpitations occasionally and they can usually always be linked to anxious times - not always full on anxiety but normal stresses of life. I can feel I am coping but get palpitations. So like the leg tremors, in difficult situations or situations which are a little bit nervy - like in work, which I love - I have a difficult job but I think I am quite good at it and handle it well but I get symptoms of anxiety during particularly stressful times even when I don't feel worried.

20 months ago my little girl suffered from a brain haemorrhage. To say it was the worst time of my life would be an understatement. She had surgery and survived and has been given the all clear now. During her time in hospital I experienced no palpitations, no leg tremors, no obvious feelings of anxiety. I was terrified of course but I coped without feeling these feelings. But once we were home and things settled down I started to notice the feelings once more - when my husband worked away for the first time since my little girl was ill in particular and periodically since.

I have a high pressured responsible job which I cope wel with. In fact I cope really well day to day. My anxiety is not obvious to others - quite the opposite in fact. I keep it hidden. I can't say I am anxious about something in particular - it's often hard to pinpoint. I've had some family difficulties and during these times although I wouldnt say I felt anxious, I have symptoms
Of anxiety. Does that make sense?? I definitely don't manage certain stressors as well as I used to.

What I do fixate on during these times is my health - I've gone through it all..heart attack, heart disease, various cancers, motor neurons. This week a close relative was diagnosed with a serious condition and I since I found out my symptoms are back with a bang. Achy legs, tremors, and just a horrible horrible worry that I am ill.

I am fed up feeling this way. My life should be good. I have two amazing happy and healthy kids, a lovely supportive husband. I am happy with life. I know that these feelings all started through worrying aboutbmy daughter. I think, therefore, they are linked to trauma. But I just don't know what I can do about them?

I visited my GP earlier this year and saw a locum GP who then spoke to one of the experienced members of the practice and I was given a phone number to call for a helpline that specialises in depression. I'm not depressed. I know I am not depressed. But I think I have struggled to cope with trauma that I have experienced and I want some help now before it gets out of hand.

Can anyone else identify with me and offer advice?

Thanks in advance.

---------- Post added at 22:09 ---------- Previous post was at 21:31 ----------

I meant to add that I have always had panics about my health since I was younger. Nothing that I would tell anyone about but I would suffer in Silence until it passed. So I guess it wasn't as new as onto a few years ago.

My mum has always had poor mental health so I guess it has had an impact on me internally

[EKB]

Your HA story definitely parallels my own.

Just to save the rewriting these are some posts I made when my HA first really reared it's ugly head:

http://www.nomorepanic.co.uk/showthread.php?t=147485
http://www.nomorepanic.co.uk/showthread.php?t=147969

But yeah, first time it came out of the blue, had no idea what it was, figured I'd been coping with things fairly well, and then BAM.

I eventually got over things well enough and for a couple years have been doing quite well. But I've spiralled again after a prolonged period of stress, I think triggered by some pms pain that was unfamiliar to me. I've been talking to my mom a lot, because I think I get much of this from her. We've talked about her history with really bad pms and anxiety. I'm going to my GP to talk about this stuff. See what we can do to help me cope.

My advice would be go to see a counselor of some kind - I'm not sure how it works in the UK. Where I am I was able to be referred to a Social Worker who specializes in mental health. I found talking to someone impartial about how I felt was really helpful. That way you don't have to worry about how your loved ones feel about how you feel, and you don't need to be worried about if they will understand or even make them understand. I never went on any medication myself, but many post here who have found meds helpful. But it was just getting that validation from my therapist that yes, what I was experiencing WAS bad and certainly could lead to anxiety that helped the most. Now it's just me telling myself that again, but it always seems to be something that takes me awhile to admit to myself.

I also find reading and writing on this forum really helpful. Even if I'm only talking to myself sometimes (I have a post over in virtual hugs that I keep replying to just to get it all out - no one has replied to me, but that's okay).

With the muscle aches and tremors, I find the best thing (and it's so hard) is to be active. I'm a natural couch potato, but right now I am forcing myself to spend my lunch hour walking outside. I've also started taking vitamin D again, which my previous GP felt supported musculoskeletal health. Figure it really can't hurt. I also am laying off caffein (except chocolate!) to avoid the stimulant and stomach irritation.

But everyone seems to have their own path that they find works. I think it's all hard no matter what - but judging by many of the posts on this board people do get there even if they stumble along the way.

Anyway, I know that was long, but I hope some of it was helpful. Even if just to know you aren't alone.

[Emmaisworried]

Thank you so much for your reply. It has been so so helpful. I haven't been at the gym for a couple of weeks and I know that hasn't helped. i just want to not feel all this worry all of the time. I woke this morning aching all over and I know it was because I was so tense all of yesterday. It makes me so irritable and I don't want to be like that as I have two amazing children who are so so happy and bright.

I am in the process of changing doctors and I will ask about accessing therapy of some discription. I know I need help to deal with the things I have experienced - I used to experience flashbacks to some extent - or at least sudden upsetting memories of the events. So it has subsided now so it has improved to some extent.

Thanks again! I appreciate the reply so so much.

[EKB]

I agree, I hate this feeling too. It really is hard. I've been feeling a bit better. I went to the GP who checked my abdomen again, and talked about what I've been feeling. He also explained what pain is of concern and what really isn't. He said he doesn't think I have an "anxiety disorder" and rather I am suffering from anxiety at the moment. He referred me back to the Social Worker I had before - since I specifically asked for someone to talk to.

He also talked about how much the gut is tied into our nervous system, so when we're stressed, it's stressed. He validated my feeling that I am noticing sensations that I normally would not notice because I am suffering from anxiety.

Good luck with your journey If you have some trusted co-workers or family who might understand, it's good to talk to them too. I have a co-worker who suffers from anxiety, and has done all her life. So she understood when I told her what was going on with me, and that made me feel less alone.

[Kathryn313]

I am finding this forum (much like EKB I have my own experiencing blogged in a post which is pretty much just for me to list and vent) very useful for getting thoughts out of my head.

But it wouldn't have been enough on it's own, CBT is proving very useful for me. I researched one and went private as quite a waiting list on the NHS. Am on session 7 on Thursday and feel loads better for it. Also couple with massage therapy plus a week off when I first acknowledged it. I walked and came up with plans. Oh and fish oil (but that could be a placebo effect)

[Emmaisworried]

I imagine there will be a waiting list when I ask about therapy Kathryn. Is CBT regarded as beings effective for this type of thing?

I'm feeling so much better today. Not as anxious but my legs have been achy all day and that stresses me out.

EKB inread tour earlier posts that you linked to and lots of what you wrote was exactly how I have been feeling. It helped me so much reading something so similar. weirdly it took away a lot of my anxiety.

[EKB]

I'm glad you're feeling better Emma. I have achey legs today too. I think I'm re-learning how to hold myself after what I'm realizing is months of persistent tension.

It's kind of amazing how much it helps to read about the experience of others. I feel like if I know others are going through this and it's not just me, then I'm probably going to be okay. The rest is patience to let time do it's work. I need to work on the patience part. I'm ready for this to be over and to feel better, but my mind/body still has other ideas.

[Kathryn313]

Hi. CBT is the reccomended therapy for HA as it works on rationalising your thoughts. My first session I pretty much just cried all the way through and talked through how I was sure there was something medically wrong with me and no one was listening...some times I still think that is true...but they get you to challenge these assumptions and also look at 'what if that was true, how would you cope?'.

Really worth it for me, there are some sucess stories in the therapy section, however doesn't work for everyone.

---------- Post added at 07:38 ---------- Previous post was at 07:34 ----------

While you are waiting maybe try a book called over coming health anxiety, it's a self help CBT book, again not enough on it's own but once I began reading it I could identify how my thought processes and behaviours were mimicking how HA presents itself so made me more accepting of it. Some of the exercises were useful when I was first coming to terms with things. I would walk to the park, sit on the bench with a pen and my anxiety diary and work through one a day.