Terrified I have melanoma/nodular melanoma

[LateRoses]

Hi everyone,

I'm nearly crippled with anxiety right now that I may have melanoma or even the worst type, nodular melanoma.

About ten years ago when I was 21 or so, I discovered a very small scab-like mole on my lower back (on the right side, on my hip) and thought it was a scab or a dried, hard piece of something stuck on my skin. It wouldn't come off even though I tried picking it off, so I assumed it was a new mole.

Within the past year, maybe, the mole began to itch sometimes. I didn't really think much of it... but the mole grew sometime within the past ~10 years I've had it too. It used to be fairly small but had grown to be 6mm. It still felt like a scab mole and it was still round and raised yet flat-feeling, but I think it may have even darkened to an almost black color though I remember it being more of a grey.

Two days before I went to the dermatologist to get it looked at, my mom rubbed this pain relief gel called Therma Mend on it, and the next day the mole started to kind of come off... The mole looked different! The scab texture turned into more of a sandpaper texture on my skin and it looked much more brown against my skin. So my mole was a different color underneath?!

I went to the dermatologist this Tuesday, and when she had a look at my mole on my back, said it looked like a normal mole and it was my choice to get a biopsy or not. I agreed to a biopsy anyway and mentioned to her that the mole had looked different a few days ago; that my mom put something on it which caused bits of the top to fall off. She took a look at the photo I had taken a few days prior and immediately said that she "wants to biopsy this mole." This freaked me out that she suddenly seemed to be insisting on biopsying it and when I asked her if she thought/suspected it was "something bad," she said no... but it really tripped me up because she still insisted on biopsying when she saw the older photo, after originally saying I could choose to do it or not? I felt like she was just lying to me because I was visibly distressed and she didn't want to worry me further, but that she really suspected it was melanoma.

She said that it was unusual for someone to have only one mole like that on their body, and normally someone would present with multiples moles all over. I've never had a scab mole like this anywhere else on my body; I'm not a person with a lot of moles, period, and the ones I do have look more like larger, brown freckles.

At this point, I'm convinced that I've been ignoring what could turn out to be a nodular melanoma for nearly a year and that every weird sensation I've had in my pelvic area (especially any random aches and pains on the right side) is due to the cancer rapidly spreading inside my organs. I'm convinced once I get my diagnosis, I'll already be at death's door because that's how fast nodular melanoma can spread.

My anxiety has even affected my memory. I sit there trying to remember everything about the mole and can barely recall anything... Did it grow across the years or did it blow up in just a few months? Did it change from a grey to a much darker shade? Did every time it itched mean the mole/cancer was growing? Why was it brown underneath the scabby part, shouldn't it all be the same color throughout? Why did the scabby part even start coming off in the first place?

I'm truly driving myself crazy with these dark and maddening circular thoughts and I dread the wait for my results and also fear what the results may say.

---------- Post added at 12:48 ---------- Previous post was at 11:11 ----------

I also can't stop reading into the things the doctor said to me on my visit. When I was leaving after she took the biopsy sample, she said as way of greeting "Hopefully, I'll see you in a year" and in my mind I was thinking HOPEFULLY? Does she mean that hopefully the mole doesn't turn out to be melanoma like she suspects so all I'll need is a routine checkup in a year?!

I know that reading into every little thing someone says and attaching meaning to it is just another symptom of my HA, but it's really hard to separate my mind from this line of thinking.

Edited because the mole is more on the right side of my lower back/hip (around where the pants waistband sits). Previously said above right buttock which wasn't accurate.

[KeeKee]

I'd try not to worry (I know how hard that can be). I know how easy it is to read into things, I had a smear back in September and the woman said "Bye for now" at the end and I was freaking out thinking she'd seen something. It was clear so I guess some people just say those things and they mean nothing.

[LateRoses]

Yes, it's a terrible feeling.

And now I can't help fixating on thinking that the mole used to be a lighter grey color and turned almost black. That plus the growing and itching... my mind can't get any rest.

Do these symptoms always mean cancer? Usually mean cancer?

[Mercime]

No. You are right, you are fixating and distorting what the dermatologist said, to fit with your fear. She said it was up to you whether to biopsy or not - if she thought it sinister she would have said. You asked if she suspected something bad - she said no. What reason would she have to lie to you? It would be unethical and not something they would do.

A couple things strike me. You mentioned the pain relief gel. That stuff does rub off leaving a funny texture on the skin, I know because I use it! Nothing you've mentioned about your mole is symptomatic of nodular melanoma. The "scab" mole you have is not anything close to the scabbing associated with melanoma. It's in the wrong place, wrong size, shape, texture, you're young..
There are usually a combination of factors that point to malignancy. Did you ask her if she thought you needed a biopsy, or did she raise the topic first? Obviously only a doctor can diagnose or give you an all clear with anything. But - you, or rather your HA is trying to fit your mole into the sinister category because you've read about it. I really believe you have nothing to worry about x

[LateRoses]

When she first saw my "leftover" mole on my back, she said it looked like a normal mole and that I could choose to biopsy it at a later time, if it bothered me. I said I wanted it removed/biopsied on that very visit because after the grief it's caused me, I wanted it gone. I mentioned to her that the mole looked different a few days ago, before the gel made pieces of it come off.

She asked me to show her the photo I took of my mole from a few days ago, when it was still fully intact. Once she saw my photo, she said "I want to biopsy this mole" and her entire demeanor became more serious, frightening me. I had already agreed to biopsy the mole that visit and now she made it seem it was something very concerning that had to go now. She said the mole in my photo was unusual because I only had one on my entire body, while normally people would have multiples moles of that type on their body.

I was so disturbed by the event that I called her that evening and asked her if she suddenly insisted on biopsying my mole when she saw my photo because she thought it might be melanoma. She said she did not suspect melanoma, but wanted a biopsy because the mole in the photo looked different than the one on my back. She thinks it might be an irritated mole but I'm not sure if she's referring to the mole that she personally saw on my back that day, or the one in the photo... I also never mentioned that I think the mole got darker (so darker, bigger, AND has been itchy at times for the past year...) so I feel like I gave her inaccurate info/not the full picture and it's been messing with my mind something fierce.

[Mercime]

Again, this is about your interpretation, judging her demeanour etc. You are taking what was said and turning it round, or rather your HA is.
She said you could choose to biopsy at a LATER time, IF it bothered YOU - you wanted it gone immediately. Reason for upper case is not to make you feel bad, but to help you see that this was initiated by you, not her. You didn't agree to the biopsy, you were the one that said you wanted it gone there and then.

You phoned her the same evening and she told you she did NOT think it was a melanoma. She thought it was irritation but was acting properly because of your photo (last part my wording). At no point has she said she think this is sinister, and had in fact said the opposite.

A dermatologist knows the difference. She looked at your mole and said it wasn't sinister. She would be able to recognise this, regardless of photos from a couple days before. Please try and focus on this, not what you believe to be true, it's your HA doing the fibbing!

[LateRoses]

I just wanted to clarify that for the biopsy part, she first told me it looked like a normal mole and that I could choose to biopsy it if I wanted to, either that visit or at a later time. I agreed to do it that visit (I didn't mention out loud that I wanted it gone or anything, just simply agreed to the biopsy on that day; apologies if that part was unclear!) and she had even circled the mole on my skin she was going to take off .

Before I got on the table for biopsy, I showed her the photo and that's when she started saying "I want to biopsy this mole" and that we should be biopsy it. It threw me off because I was already being prepped for the biopsy but her words made it seem like it was really urgent all of a sudden. She said after seeing my photo, it was very unusual to have only one mole of that type on my body and most people with it have multiple, and really, it was distressing in itself to hear the word "unusual" used at all and I'm really hung up on it.

I guess I feel that even though I don't think I present with the A-D part of the melanoma chart, I have the Evolving part... color change (which I didn't mention to the dr), growth, itch. I keep reading people who had melanoma and only had itching as their symptom and how common itching is with melanoma, and I have more symptoms than that. I beat myself up for waiting so long to see a dermatologist and begin to feel helpless and doomed.

On an intellectual level, I absolutely know I should trust the doctor and if she said not to lose sleep over it, to really try not to lose sleep over it, but my HA is like that damned devil on my shoulder whispering terrible things into my ear and sowing doubt.

Btw, thank you so much Mercime for replying! I know it can make one so dizzy, the cyclical way we HA sufferers think...

[Beachlady]

As tempting as it is, stop trying to interpret your derm’s every word. It doesn’t matter one whit, and you’re not in any position to logically interpret it anyway.

What matters is the biopsy result. And, if it’s any comfort, melanoma doesn’t hang around for 10 years doing nothing. That one lesion would spread and cause trouble, which your skin lesion clearly has not.

[dizzy daisy]

I wonder if it could be a keratosis - it's a kind of wart/mole that usually appear in groups but can be on their own. Benign but are usually crusty and sore? Xx

[LateRoses]

When the dr saw my photo, she did say then it could be keratosis. But it's never been sore that I can recall and I don't think it's crusty. It's always felt like a dry, hard scab, if that could be called crusty.

Is it normal for shave biopsies to still have a little bleeding after 3 days (biopsy done Tue) or do I have a wound that won't heal? I am still seeing spots of blood on the bandaid every time I change it and am getting worried it's an ulcerated wound or that it's a symptom of cancer. The area still stings the tiniest bit at times (tends to happen when I'm lying down/putting pressure on the spot) and it itches too. The slight pain and itching I'm guessing is normal(???)..