Hey peeps. How are you all feeling today?
The last couple of days have been pretty bad for me. I'm feeling ok today. I'm a bit worried the mood won't last but I'm mostly grateful to be in a good mood, and I'm protecting it carefully. Allowing myself to laugh at stuff, and not work too hard.
I'm frustrated that I still feel too anxious to work on most things. The longer I leave it, the more afraid I am of getting it wrong.
When I came back from holiday, everything seemed easier than before to do. All the problems I was not confronting suddenly seemed possible to solve. Now, they all seem very difficult again. I'm talking about simple things like getting rid of clothes that don't fit me, or hand washing delicate dresses, or sorting out boring admin.
Reasons why I wasn't feeling great recently
- I came out on Facebook about mental health issues, sexuality, discrimination I've faced, abuse. Got a great response but it's also felt like a big emotional deal.
- Ended it with a lover - it needed to end.
- Trying to do some work even though I still feel ill. Stressing out over the slightest things.
- Feeling ill! And getting more ill when I work. Ugh this flu.
- Going on a date and discovering this guy is a massive cheat and liar to other people... and still wants to date me. WTF do I do? I know the answer is don't see him again! But I want to have sex, and I'm attracted to the drama. Aren't I messed up?
- Asking for help from a best friend and getting a cool response - he'll see me but he wasn't particularly warm or concerned about me.
- And, citalopram. I must be on the wrong dose. I had a load of suicidal thoughts. All this stuff in the list shouldn't make me want to kill myself, but it did for an evening. I'm going to stop trying to wean off, and go back to 20mg.
Getting some work done and doing some yoga put me right. That, and my friends being nice to me. And not making myself work when I couldn't do it.
I hate this catch-22. If I work, I get more ill, and can't work. If I don't work, I feel unhappy that the work isn't being done, and get more stressed, then more ill. Damned if I do, damned if I don't. Will I ever recover from this flu?
On Monday night, I completely lost my reasons for continuing with the struggle of living. I didn't want to call my friends because I didn't want to worry them or bring them down or bother them. I didn't want to make myself feel better because I just wanted to get on with ending my life. It passed, but it was depressing. I wrote a will - well, a casual version of a will. I didn't call my therapist because I didn't want to feel better and I didn't want to worry her. If they know I'm like this, they might succeed at stopping me. In the moment, I just wanted it (my life) to be over. I promise I'm ok right now - this is not a cry for help or anything. I wanted to express this here because I'm not sure if I can express it with other people.
That state of being is just so normal to me, that it's my brain's standard way of dealing with things when they're rubbish. I go super extreme. Maybe I'll learn to not be this way one day. It's been easy enough to tell myself mostly that it's just passing thoughts. Just sometimes, I don't want to let it be a passing thought, and I want to take action to deal with the problem in the way people tell you not to. I don't have really solid reasons for not doing it. I know that I'll work it out - I'll find a way of reasoning with myself. Don't feel sorry for me. I have hope.
I've bounced back, anyway. I think. Isn't it strange how I can go from such a low place to neutral in a few hours? That must be progress.
---------- Post added at 16:47 ---------- Previous post was at 15:03 ----------
My friend that was being cool and unconcerned isn't going to see me tonight. I gave him the option to back out because I didn't feel like he actually wanted to see me. He took it as me messing him around. So he backed out. So, I think I was right. There's some comfort in being right, even when it's you being right about people not wanting to see you in truth.
Anyway, I'd rather be alone than spend time with him judging me. It's safer to be alone than to spend time with people who can be not very nice, even if they're well intentioned and just accidentally hurtful.
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