Feeling anxious and confused in a relationship

[vanxious]

Hello,

It's been a while since i post something here, my life is going great, i've been pretty amused and relaxed most of the time. But now, there's this:

I've been a lonely man for the last couple of years. Not because i didn't find anyone to share my life with, but because i didn't let any girl in. Now, i've lowered my guard and there is this girl. we've been together for 4 months know, but i've been dealing with this very confusing and upseting feelings;

In the begining eveything was great. She is nice, we go along just fine. But, as time goes by and she is more and more in my life, i'm feeling really bad inside, anxious, nervous. And, in part, i know why. She is absolutely amazing, but she sometimes does have an (ugly) bad temper. Adding to that, she is somewhat insecure about her relationships, and that leads to some - not so good - episodes where she acuses me of doing things that, trust me on this, i didn't. I'm just here trying to be a good guy, a good man, a good boyfriend, but every now and then, she picks something and make a fuzz about it. I've showed her every time that she was wrong, and we moved along, but, being myself an insecure man, i started living with this fear that anytime, anywhere, she will get mad to me again without any reason. And i'm on the very edge of my limit, because of the nerves. My skin got oily and full of acne, i don't eat very well, i cry easily and, damn it, it's even hard to me to get aroused, lately.

You are probably saying at this time: "do you really like her? Why don't you dump her?". Well, i didn't break up with her yet because i like her. But do i love her? Ok, that is a question that i've been asking myself, along with a bunch of other questions, because... yes, i might be overthinking here. I'm trying to be very pragmatic, but i'm confused. Why am i so anxious and nervous lately? In my perspective, this might be due to some (or all) of this reasons:

I'm so nervous and stressed because:

- I'm used to live on my own, and knowing that somehow my space (my confort bubble!) is not anymore just mine is scaring me;

- Afterall i don't like her that much and i'm picking every escuse to bail out;

- I'm no longer used to be in a relationship and this is scaring the hell out of me, because... oh well, my fathers are divorced, i know a ton of "ex" couples and i sometimes question the existence of real love;


I really don't know. I almost break up with her yesterday. I was really tired, really falling on the ground because i honestly don't know what else can i do so she can trust me and we both can build a life together.
We are going to London this weekend on holidays. I will try to enjoy the most of it with her, let's see how it goes. Again, she is great and i know we had a lot of great moments since we started dating. But i'm living in constant fear, i'm not being myself, i'm not being the guy i know i am because of this, and i'm relating everything to my anxiety and insecurity.

Does any of this makes sense?

Thanks.

[randomforeigner]

"she sometimes does have an (ugly) bad temper" - does the bad temper show every 28th day or so? Just asking...

In any case it's wise not to make decisions when you're "really tired, really falling on the ground" but to do it on a good day (or better day).

[vanxious]

no, it's not just around those days...

Thanks for the tip, you're right. we should never make any decisions on bad days.

[randomforeigner]

You might want to make a discrete note of it, so you're not surprised when it happens, but whatever you do - don't comment on it when it happens... or you might end up getting...

[vanxious]

You might want to make a discrete note of it, so you're not surprised when it happens, but whatever you do - don't comment on it when it happens... or you might end up getting...

That's easy to say, but when she acuses me of bad things, what can i do? I must comment and answer... right?

[randomforeigner]

Yes you must but there are techniques to do it in a "better" way than others. I'm a big fan of Marshall Rosenberg and his ideas of so-called non-violent communication (it's a technique, it's called that or known by the nick-name "giraffe language"). Here's a link to start you off, always nice to learn new things: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SX4N...SRp32X&index=9
I came around his teachings some ten+ years ago when I (for some obscure reason I now cannot remember) attended a full-day work-shop for school teachers.

[vanxious]

Thanks for the tip, i'll give it a go.

[vanxious]

Christ, i'm a few minutes of starting a 9 days journey with her. I'm so nervous i've almost burst to tears a few minutes ago. I really need to find a way to calm down. :/

[vanxious]

At this point i'm not sure if i don't like her that much or if i'm just scared of being commited. Truth is, i've felt this insecurity with other girls, in different ocasions in the past, so this is not a thing that is happening with this girl only. I'm a bit lost. :(

[vanxious]

Ok. At this point i don't know if anyone is following this thread, but anyway, here's an update:

I got to my very limit and i broke up with her yesterday. I can't stand the nerves and anxiety, it's too nerve racking and consuming. We had another argue and that was too much for me. I broke up.

But, she didn't let me do this. She stood up close to me, asking me not to go the way i choose to go. She cried a lot, begging me to not break up. We talked for hours, i told her eveything i felt, i opened my heart, told her about all my fears and anxieties (even though she already knew about them, but maybe not so deeply like this). She admited she's been rough and harsh a couple of times, and that if she knew by then that was hurting me so bad she wouldn't do it.

Well, to make it short, she's asking me for one more chance. And, to be honest, i don't know what to do. She is the most dedicated girlfriend i ever had, and the anxiety is not something that i can relate only to her - as i mention here before, i've felt this way before, in other relationships and situations in life. She's offering to help me get trough this, together. But i'm afraid that my feelings for her are obscured by my nerves, and i'm scared that i'm going to live everything all over again... :/

Sorry for the typos, i'm kinda nervous right now.