Some of you already know that my husband and I have decided to try to have a baby in the next year(ish). So that included tapering off my lexapro, which I did very slowly over the past 4-5 months, and getting used to regular old me.
Just this week I also came off the birth control pill, which I had been on for about 10 years now. So I am also not sure how that may or may not affect my moods as well, as it provided me with hormonal stability for so long.
So this has been a really difficult experience but I think it has the potential to also be very helpful in the long run. I have come off my meds before, but went back on about a year after because my anxiety and depression came back quite badly despite going to therapy to try to avoid meds. So the second time around I think I got to the point where I accepted that I could be on meds for as long as I need if it makes my life better. But having a baby is a different story.
It's been about 3 weeks since being totally off the lexapro. I'm noticing HA coming back, including noticing the urge to check for lumps, google things, and ask for reassurance. I am trying very hard to keep these behaviors from escalating by not giving in to the checking urges in the first place. I always find something to worry about when I check, and when I am on lexapro I don't even think to check my body for lumps and bumps. I have to remind myself that I will not drop dead if I don't check my body excessively. I think when I look at the cycle of my anxiety, this is the kicker that triggers the entire anxious cycle.
There have been a few times where I have felt nodes in my neck and shoulder (where I have chronic injury/tension) and worried but I am trying to reign it in and catch myself. I also googled a lot this past week because I had my annual pap smear and had to check myself as well there. The other difficulty I am having is a bit of depression spurring up. It's not severe, but there are a lot of days where I just do not want to get out of bed, dread going to work, and just want to hide. I mean I do have a stressful job, but when on the meds, it is easier to just go and do what I have to do.
I have decided to try getting back into journalling, maybe working on my diet, and exercise. I'm hoping that by focusing on doing positive things for myself it will take away the focus on negatives. I have a workbook for anxiety that I use with clients and actually took it home to use on myself.
Anyway I feel like I needed to have a plan in place somewhere to help me be accountable. Doing this without medications is really hard and it's been a battle for me a lot because my HA has a lot of OCD traits to it. I really don't want to pass this on to a child that I might have, as my mom had really bad HA and contributed to mine.
If anybody has any other suggestions or feedback, I'd appreciate it. If not, thanks for reading
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