Hi community, dumb old me again. So in my last post (which was yesterday) I talked about how I feared I was a pedophile and feared arrest for things I'd seen on the internet when I was younger. I got many encouraging replies which really helped with clearing up a lot of the anxiety, however, besides the topic yesterday, I also have a bigger concern linked to pedophilia. I get some really terrible images in my head. Before I go on my huge rant, I'm just going to apologise, nobody wants to hear the same guy going on and on about his issues, and I'm aware of that, so I'm sorry for being selfish about this. I'd also like to note that there's a trigger warning in here as well, so for sensitive viewers, please don't cause yourself anxiety by reading this, you're more important!
So yeah, quite a few of you have read about my POCD issues about cartoon pornography I've seen in the past (which depicted young girls), it really caused me issues as you can tell, but a larger worry is the images that I get in my head now. Initially, the worry in my other post was the only thing that affected me, I was worried that I was a pedophile for the things I'd seen. But now, I cannot look at little girls without getting terrible images in my head.
(Trigger warning round here, please look away as I don't want to cause anyone anxiety over this) Images with little girls in the positions that I would have seen in the cartoons would pop into my head, however the little girls would be real, moreover they would be the girls I'd seen whilst looking around in public (the girls faces). Initially when I received these thoughts, I would scrunch up my toes, or cringe, maybe close my eyes and shake my head in reaction to the thoughts, of course they're not right, and I don't want them to be there.
However, I'm really anxious that now when I receive the thoughts, I feel a tingly sensation down there, and what's worse is that when that happens I don't feel the need to scrunch up my toes or react. I've read about groinal response many many times and I have tried convincing myself that it's only that, an aspect of OCD, but sometimes the thoughts can be seriously graphic and disturbing, and I still feel this sense of arousal. I'd like to note that I've never gone any further with the thoughts (never tried to 'you know what' to them), but I'm worried that I will at some point, which would therefore deem me a pedophile. I attempt to imagine myself actually doing these things to a little girl (it sounds terrible now that I'm typing it) in order to check if I get this feeling through that, but by then I'd have backed out of the thoughts, attempting to tell myself that what I'm thinking is wrong (which I know it is).
I'm really stuck here (once again), there's so many thoughts going through my head, and many of them are disgusting, but if I find them so disgusting, then why don't I react to them like I used to? As I type this, I'm shaking slightly, but why would I be shaking now instead of before when the thoughts popped up into my head? Once again, I'm so sorry for being selfish about my issues and everything, I know that others have it a lot worse than I do, and I'm no more important than anyone else, but I really am convinced that I'm a pedophile now.
