1 month since mum's death and alone at Xmas cause partner is fed up of my misery

[antique]

Thank you all for your support after my previous post last week.

I am mostly ok in the day, but the grief hits me in the evening. The build up to Xmas was very hard as mum loved Xmas shopping. Being an only child with no kids has also made it hard.

My partner and I maintain separate houses but live together half the week. We have always spent Xmas together apart from last year when I took mum out for Xmas lunch. He was very supportive through mum's final illness and death but after the funeral, wouldn't discuss her anymore as he said there was no point, there was nothing to be done etc!

He has been an absolute misery the last month, constantly moaning about his toothache and the fact he was skint for Xmas and couldn't buy his adult kids expensive gifts. My mum never liked him, nor he her, so obviously he wasn't devastated at her death, like me.

Anyway he dropped the bombshell and told me a week before Xmas that he wanted to be alone for the holiday and didn't want to see me as I was miserable and he wanted a nice time!! Said he was sick of dealing with other people's issues.
So I had to cancel the 3 course carvery I had booked and paid for. Luckily I got a refund. I spend Xmas day alone but did go to my friends house for Boxing day. First Xmas in my life totally alone at a time when I really needed support, abandoned by my partner.
He did text on Xmas eve, asked if I wanted to come over, but I was too angry and upset by then and it was too late.

My friends are astonished at his selfish cruel behaviour. I don't think I can get past this as its not the first time he has behaved badly. The problem is I would have to sort out joint business arrangements and its a lot to deal with as I'm feeling fragile. I don't know if I could cope with a split on top of my mother's death. I had a horrendous anxiety attack last night, first bad one in years. I am really afraid that I will get depressed again. It's 20+ years since I had bad anxiety and depression and I don't want to return to that.

I have a counselling appointment next week and I'm going to get bereavement counselling off the GP if I can. I do not want to take anti depressants, just need to stop the anxiety . I thought I was doing so well but I guess the stress of the last 2 years caring for mum has to come out. Plus I've been feeling so tired and had IBS, norovirus immediately after her death. I don't know what's going to happen on New Years Eve and I don't know what to do about my partner or my business. I just hate this new life after mums death.

[Colicab85]

Sorry to hear about whats going on for you at the moment :(

He sounds incredibly insensitive and very selfish. I would suggest that he isnt worth worrying about.

[Katy_o]

Hi. I am really sorry to hear what you are going through at the moment. The loss of a parent is an incredibly difficult thing to go through. I am truly sorry for your loss.

I agree with Colicab85, your partner sounds incredibly selfish and insensitive. IMO his attitude is inexcusable and unforgivable. Being in a relationship means being at your partner's side through the good and the bad times. You don't get to pick and choose.

With regards to moving forwards, at the moment try and take each day as it comes. Try not to think further ahead than today. It's good that you are receiving counselling, and bereavement counselling would be a good idea. Get as much support as you can, through medical/counselling but also reach out to those around you, who I'm sure will be there for you to lean on (your partner aside).

I think you also need to remind yourself that what you are feeling is normal for your situation and isn't necessarily your depression and anxiety returning. You've suffered a terrible loss, and that will come with intense feelings of sadness and anxiety. Surround yourself with people you trust and can rely on and that are worthy of your love.

Take care.

[Lucinda07]

What a mean thing to do - telling you to spend Xmas by yourself & to cancel the meal!
Take each day as it comes - losing a parent is a hard knock especially at this time of year.
Treat yourself kindly.

[brucealmighty]

I cant understand some people antique, it absolutely knocks you for six when you lose a parent, and if you`ve already got an anxiety condition then it seems to hit you with every illness and symptom in the book.
I can`t speak for your partner but I am stunned with what he`s done, I really am.

I¬d speak to your gp and see if you can get counselling and I can personally recommend CRUSE who specialist in bereavement counselling. you need looking after for a good few months at least, not treated like a nuisance.

regardless of your partner there are a lot of people on here who are available for virtual hugs. you can`t possibly be upbeat and jolly like a wind up monkey, take whatever time you need and if it means your partner permanently spending time elsewhere then so be it. don`t let anyone treat you like that especially when you`re grieving

take care

[Goldfinch]

Hi Antique, I second what other people have said about your partner's treatment of you. You may well decide in the long run that you are better off without him, but don't think about that yet, concentrate on looking after yourself and getting the help you need. Your new life won't always be like this - your loss is still very new and very raw. Take care.

[NeedToSleep]

I'm really sorry for you. A month is not long and of course you'll still be grieving. I wouldn't make any snap decisions at the moment, your relationship is something to consider in the future.