Struggling - but hoping to overcome this

[Kaede]

Hi,

I have already posted a few threads on here over the last few months, but a short introduction anyway.

It is kinda hard to pinpoint when exactly my health anxiety started but it has been really intense these past three months or so. It was all started by random pains and aches in my left breast/armpit/underarm that I remember getting at least since May of last year.

I was really stressed about it in May but then had a general check up at the GP and as everything was fine, I let it go. Or so I thought. I think that somewhere deep it lingered and I would get a scare here and there. But I had made plans for travelling during the summer and concentrated on that, so I was fine for then.

Then sometimes in late September/early October I bumped my knee really hard on the train and it hurt for at least a month. I never got it checked out, but it was a constant dull ache and even later on it hurt after swimming/walking longer distances, so I was really down because of that.

But in the second half of October the pains in breast/underarm came back and more intense than ever before. And I panicked. And no matter what I tried to do I couldn't distract myself. I worried myself thinking that as I never got it checked out, it must be the dreaded C which has now progressed given that I ignored it until now. I made plans to see a doctor, but by then it was too late. I turned to Dr. Google. Following two physical breast exams and an ultrasound, the breast cancer fears were mostly gone.

But while I was waiting for the ultrasound I woke up with pressure on my sternum one day that lasted for days and then came mild stabbing chest pains and back pain. As it persisted, I went to see my GP, had an ECG as well as all possible blood tests, all were negative. /I also had a chest X-ray earlier that month because I had a cold with burning chest pain/. Finally it was diagnosed as coming from my back and I got some PT for my back.

Also sometimes during this time I started just suddenly having random memories from my whole life popping up in my head, which has further convinced me that there must be something wrong. I mean in the sense that life flashes out before your eyes. Also distracting didn't work as when I tried to distract myself through language learning sentences about cancer and doctors would pop up.

However in the time before the GP visit, Dr. Google has managed to diagnose me with several forms of cancer, MS, lupus and the whole lot. For weeks I would spend all of my time googling symptoms and illnesses, also for this period I stopped moving /not that I was the most active person to start with/ and I think that it is where I got caught up in the cycle. Probably the lowest point was when I was at a festival with a friend and instead of focusing on a lecture I was googling symptoms. /something was wrong with my thyroid, I was convinced at that moment/

Then one day at work I got so fed up with it and I felt like vomiting and like I couldn't breath /it wasn't a full fledged panic attack as I had one in the past and this didn't feel quite as intense/ and had to leave. Went to the GP next morning with the back pain, but also told her that I thought that I have lost all sense of what it is to feel normal and asked for a referral to a psychologist. She agreed and also sent me to a neurologist as I had burning back pain. I asked for a sick leave from work but then I had to stay inside at home, so I don't think it helped.

The weekend before Christmas I was at my lowest as I constantly felt like crying and had to force myself to do stuff /technically still do/. Then the next Monday my mum received some bad news in regards to her work, so that was another downer. So I told myself that I had to get better for her sake.

At this point I only ever felt well while I was asleep, so I would spend as many as 12 hours in bed. I decided I had to be more active and started to exercise at least 15 minutes a day and go for a walk for an hour. Towards the end of last week I felt a bit improved as I also started feeling okay when walking or when reading a book while walking. Anytime I felt like I couldn't breath, I would just go out for a walk.

Then on New Year's Eve I went to a friend's house and we got drunk, it was fun and I felt okay. But of course I woke up feeling really terrible the next day. It started in the morning with neck pain /which I have been having issues with together with the back pain/.

Then I went to bed at around 8 p.m. but I couldn't get any sleep. Yesterday I had to work from home and by 11 a.m. I was already freaking out but I got to go out for a long walk so it got better. Then in the evening another walk, but by know back pain was back. I wanted to get a warm bath to relax in the evening. But when I was in the bath I noticed something moving up and down in the bottom of my sternum /there are a few threads about it on here, it turns out that you can see your pulse there, especially if you are thin and the hot water makes it more visible/. But it had freaked me out and suddenly the chest pressure was stronger and I had the breathing hiccups /it's this breath that my body takes involuntarily sometimes, I had them at the start of this, but haven't had them for weeks/ and although I got more sleep during the night, I would wake up with the slight stabbing in the chest every little while.

This week I'm working from home so I can somewhat manage, but next week I am scheduled to return to the office and I am dreading it as I worry that I will have a full blown panic attack once I'm there.

I have also kinda started dreading food cuz I feel like it's making me feel worse. A gastroenterologist told me I might have GERD but the discomfort persist even hours after I ate, so I dunno. But having a bad relationship with food is no good as I was thin and lost weight due all of the stress of the last few months, so I can't afford to lose anymore.

Wow, this has been a very depressing post so far. I am 25 years old and I am sick and fed up of feeling like this.

I know that this can be overcome. I think that I have had anxiety issues at least twice in my life before. Although it was more of a general I have no idea what to do with life anxiety. But on both occasions I spent at least a month crying on the phone to my mum every day, felt like nothing made me happy anymore but it did pass eventually.

Although I have never been as miserable for as long as this time around. I am sitting here right now with pain in my back near my spine and awaiting the moment when I will be able to go back to sleep again.

But I am hoping that I will be eventually able to look back at this thread and laugh how ridiculous it all has been.

I know some of the steps I need to do and they are:

1. No googling - I keep telling myself that I will stop and lately I have at least tried to focus more on goggling about innocent things like back pain from sedentary life and how to improve it or anxiety, but I'm still not quite there
2. Keep moving - just because it didn't quite help yesterday, doesn't matter that it won't help long term. Walking can't hurt me. I also need to get back to swimming.
3. Spend more time with family/friends - more time spent with them means less time spent googling. Even if it is really making me sad that right now I am not really enjoying my time with them as much as I wish I would enjoy it. Eventually this will change, I have to believe that.
4. Distraction - I seriously need to get back to reading, also continue with the language learning and cognitive games where I have to focus on those fully. Also I need to get back to creative writing which was one of my main hobbies before this hell started. It's just that I don't feel physically well while sitting right now and most of these activities that make me happy require sitting down.
5. Seeing the psychologist/therapy - but it's 20 more days until I will be seeing her and I really would like to be better by then, especially since the second part of that week I have some time off together with my extended family in the mountains and it's usually some of the best time of the year
6. I will stop expecting instant recovery - although I know it is wrong I am still expecting to wake up one day and feel/be the same as before all of this started, which let's face it, won't just happen. Recovery requires effort to be put in. If only I could get this across through my thick skull, eh?

Sorry about the long post. Any tips for recovery are welcome. I'm hoping to use this thread as some kind of recovery diary.

[Kaede]

Darn, I keep trying to convince myself that it will get better.

Felt kinda okay for a bit this morning during the 15 minutes of exercise. Then started feeling down again, went out for an hour long walk, but got the occasional chest stab during the walk and only felt well for a bit during the walk. Had lunch after we came home and now it feels like my stomach/chest/heart whatever will burst any moment.

I am just so sick and tired of feeling like this 24/7 and if I could would just lie down and sleep forever. I don't want to waste my life away like this :(

---------- Post added at 15:03 ---------- Previous post was at 13:31 ----------

I just broke down crying, hoping that it could release the pressure I have in the middle of my chest/top of my stomach.

Didn't really help. I can't quite really describe the feeling but some of the time it's like I have a hole inside me that makes stuff go into my left upper region. Like when I drink I can feel it under my left boob and under my left upper ribs. It's ridiculous just typing it out. Other times it's like there is a cold sensation in this same area of my body. When that's not happening I get the pressure in center of my chest/stomach. It just seems like I can't get a minute where nothing feels wrong.

I'm going for another walk in an hour, hoping that it helps more this time around.

[Kaede]

Well, I survived another day.

Despite what I wrote earlier yesterday, I went out in the afternoon and met with some family and by the end I almost felt okay even though throughout it my chest and my left upper arm were bothering me.

And then went for another walk in the evening, didn't enjoy it much as my neck and shoulders hurt - no wonder with all the tension.

I managed to read a few chapters of a comic after I came home, even though now all the strange sensations in my left chest and arm were back. Tried some deep muscle relaxation video on youtube but it hurt to breath while on my back, so I didn't want to freak myself out, so I stopped it and watched a funny video instead.

Went to sleep and had the best sleep so far this week. I kept waking up throughout the night, but had dreams unrelated to this whole mess. And the last one was even kinda nice.

Hoping today will be better.

Things to do today: 15 minutes of exercise, 1 hour walk, read a chapter of a book, make it through 3 languages lessons, no googling and only coming here in the evening to report on the progress.

[Sam Winter]

I'm glad you're making progress and managed to get a good night sleep I just wanted to drop by and offer some encouragement, you may feel lost, struggling, or hopeless, and you will be sick of hearing this but it does get better, with determination, hope, support ect. it will get better I was in the exact same position as you about 2-3 years ago and now I'm doing much better, I can cope through the day with minimal to no breakdowns and whenever I get an anxious thought I'm better at thinking clearly about it, noticing that something's wrong and setting goals is the best thing you can do, I really hope it works out well for you and continue to update us x

[Kaede]

Thank you for the kind words.

I know I said I would only come here in the evening, but I have been awake for barely 2 hours and already am struggling. At first I couldn't breath and on top of that I woke up with this pain that starts at the top of my left breast towards the sternum and goes around into my back under the shoulder blade and kind of a burning sensation in my left armpit/underarm and some of the pain seems worse with certain movements which sucks absolutely and didn't make the 10 minutes of exercise I got exactly the best experience.

I am also worried that I won't get the walk as all the roads and pavements are covered in snow over here, but also feel like I'm gonna go crazy closed inside all day.

[Kaede]

Well, I have lived to see another week. I spent a lot of times with family and even managed a few days without Dr. Google.

I still feel terrible physically, this week I have had the following symptoms:
- pressure on the left side bottom of sternum
- mild shooting pains lefg side of chest/upper mid-back
- pain/burning on ribs near armpit on left side
- itching on upper left chest/back
- there seems to be a sensitive spot on my back where there are all kinds of strange sensations. Yesterday I was leaning towards a trapped nerve as it kinda feels like I can feel it shooting all the way in my head and it can be feltvin certain positions, today I hqve made the jump to pancreatic cancer /ridiculous I know/. I have also worried about skin cancer today.

I am contemplating having a complete complex health check that checks for all kinds of stuff as the last medical step as a kind of closure, so that I can concentrate fully on recovering from anxiety. I realize that having medical tests might not be the best idea ever, but the thing is that I haven't topd my Dr. about a lot of the symptoms I have had as they are all kinds of strange sensations that I can't quite describe abd it was me who told her that I think I have qnxiety, not the other eay around.

[swajj]

Almost everyone with severe HA reaches the point where they tell themselves that if they can just get a complete checkup they will know that they are healthy and they will be able to move on. Unfortunately it doesn't work like that. For one thing what sort of checkup is going to be able to test for everything your anxious mind can come up with? There isn't one. For instance, your doctor might agree to give you an ECG to show that your heart is fine. This will make you happy for an hour or a day or so but then you will start to doubt the conclusiveness of the results and you'll want an echo or treadmill test etc etc. The point is that there is no complete test that can check for everything that might be wrong with you medically. And even if there was within a short time of finding out you were fine you would start to think that you have developed something since having the tests. I can't remember if you are receiving counselling but that is what you need. I'm 100 percent sure of that.

[Kaede]

It's a private test that would include a treadmill test, abdominal ultrasound, chest x-ray, eye check, all kinds of blood tests, urine check etc. Of course there is no way to check for everything and you have to learn to live with a certain level of uncertainty, but as most of my physical symptoms have been contained to a specific part of my body /upper left half/ I don't think it is such a bad idea.

For the record I am not doubting that I have anxiety, just not sure what came first the anxiety causing the physical symptoms or the physical symptoms causing the anxiety. I am seeing a psychologist later this month for the anxiety.

[swajj]

It isn't just the upper left part of your body that you have been worried about though. Of course only you can decide to have those tests and I hope they do reassure you. My anxiety first came about because of physical symptoms. Or so I thought until I started getting counselling and the symptoms started disappearing. I'm glad that you are seeing a psychologist.

[Kaede]

Well it has mostly been all kind of sensations in my upper left body that lead me to googling and worrying about health in the first place.

I think it is entirely possible that it is all just anxiety, but I think I will be able to concentrate on the anxiety better after having the check.