Help. Panicking

[elik]

I'm feeling so overwhelmed, I feel like I am purposely pushing my closest friend away. She has come back from a 9 month trip and in the time she's been away I have become self reliant emotionally as I cannot deal with putting this on people and I've forgotten how to be close to someone I don't want to be vulnerable anymore I want to keep everyone at a distance so I don't have anything to owe them and I know my anxiety can throw me around and make me regret most things and I don't want to share this anymore I feel more comfortable being miserable by myself. I am so scared at this feeling that I can't open up and I don't actually want to but upsettting her and thinking of the things she's seen me goes through makes me feel so vulnerable and petrified she needs to find some other best friend I can't take the responsibility what do I do?!?!

[SLA]

How do you want life to be?

[elik]

I want to have the freedom of being able to live and not just survive, to feel excitement rather than fear, to make people proud, be giving, generous, ambitious and so on. I have just lost the energy to be close to people, I'm so robotic these days and as much as I hate it I love it because I act from my morals and how I am under this anxiety but it's tiring also. When I get close to people and spend time with them I don't like being at ease with people, if I show negativity or any change in mood I beat myself up beyond belief and then I get cold feet and desperately want people to forget me. The most petrifying part is the lack of power or understanding between 'me' and anxiety and I'm constantly weighing things up to make logic decisions but this in itself produces high anxiety. I could die just thinking of this agony and turmoil I'm forever in. I try so hard not to affect or burden othere's with my problems and try so hard to live out each day yet feel I am constantly rewarded with some horrific outcome. I deserve loneliness because this to me feels unchangeable and I can't put anyone through this for the future ahead it's not fair on them and I can't handle the guilt and self hate. I am a waste of space completely. Can't work, can't earn, can't cope at all and I'm losing grip on so many things that if i do could turn into hell