Paranoia

[Dying_Swan]

Hey all.

For some reason I feel really nervous writing this. I think this is my first post where I've asked everyone's advice....so bear with me

Not sure if I've put this in the right section, but hey ho.

For years, I've found that I get really paranoid that people hate me. I'm not really sure what to do about it, and wondered if anyone else gets like this?

I guess I should explain it better. It all started back when I was at school. I was quite a naughty kid, and was pretty obnoxious to some of the teachers. So, naturally, most of them disliked me and my friends enormously. In response, I just did more and more to wind them up.

But. That was about 10 years ago. I'm not a 'naughty kid' and I don't intentionally wind people up anymore.

It's just at work. I've been like it since I started work I think, just after school etc. I just always think that everyone I work with hates me. Generally I think I'm pretty good at my job. I work hard and get on with people. However, I worry that they will think I don't work hard and don't get things done. I have no evidence for this....it's all in my head. I only graduated last year, and just started my first 'proper' job in December. I don't get an appraisal until I've been there 6 months, and can't bear not getting any feedback on how I'm doing. At the same time, I'm dreading it in case there is anything bad. I'm a perfectionist and don't really take criticism very well.

I'm really not explaining this very well. Sorry . It's just I constantly feel like resigning and getting a new job. But, in reality, the people I work with seem nice and I know it will be the same wherever I go. I can't just quit every time I feel like this, or I'll never stay anywhere more than 5 minutes.

My boss has started to give me more responsibilities. Common sense would tell me that she's giving me new duties because she thinks I am competent enough to cope with them. However, my interpretation of it is...'she thinks I'm not doing enough and I'm rubbish and lazy, so she's giving me more to do'.

So....I think it all stems from my relationships with people in authority from when I was at school. Outside of work, I have a good bunch of friends, so it's not as though everyone hates me. I've always thought I'm maybe a bit 'odd' - my sense of humour is slighty 'different' to some peoples, but I'm not an utter weirdo or anything. I had a one-off appointment with my old therapist recently and told her how I felt. She said that the fact my colleagues take the piss out of me, means that they like me. When I'm feeling ok, I believe her. When I'm feeling paranoid, I just think they all think I'm terrible at my job.

Is this an aspect of anxiety? I've always been a 'worrier', but didn't develop acute anxiety problems until I was 21....long after my school days. So this started way before my big anxiety problems came out of the woodwork.

Just wondered if anyone else gets like this and has any advice for how to feel better. I'm fed up of spending so much time thinking everyone I work with thinks I'm crap!

Sorry this is so long. I'd be wayyyyyy grateful for any advice!

[Jimbo]

Hey,

Have a big hug.

((((BIG HUG))))

I'm a perfectionist and don't really take criticism very well.

That's me to a tee too. When I was working I always was so worried about performing and I used to fight against the slightest bit of critisism. If I made a mistake I used to beat myself up about it for weeks. Doing a very stressful job didn't help with that much either.

You are not "crap" I'm sure if there was any big problem they would have spoken to you. As you say you have friends and that is what matters. All I can say is try not to worry about it and try to leave all your worries about work there, not take them home with you.

Not sure if that helps, but I just wanted you to know you are not alone.

Jim

[Dying_Swan]

Thanks Jim.

It does help just knowing that others have felt like this too! (Not that I want other people to go through it).

I know you're right - if there was a big issue, they would have told me. I guess I just worry that there isn't anything big, and that they just generally think I'm rubbish! I have asked my supervisor, and she says I'm 'fine'. Great. I don't want to keep asking as I know that will annoy them. I guess being 'fine' is better than being crap.

Good to know that others are perfectionists! Annoying isn't it?!?

Thanks for the hug too - right back at ya xx

[Under~The~Stars]

Swan,

Have a (((((BIG HUG)))))

I definitely think it's your anxiety making you feel paranoid hun. I am also a perfectionist so know exactly how you feel! And yes it is very annoying isn't it!

I agree with your therapist that if your colleagues take the piss out of you they do like you! As if you think about it, if someone really didn't like you they probably wouldn't talk to you, or would say things that you wouldn't hear. I think your a lovely person, so don't beat yourself up about this.

Take care,

Lou xxx

[ksmith]

Sounds like me. I too was incredibly naughty at school and in most of my jobs thereafter. Did a degree in later years and had to turn 'good' in a professional capacity so I got a job working with trade unions which has helped me with my peculiar relationship with authority.

Sounds to me like your doing a really good job, specially if your boss is giving you more responsbilities. Why don't management tell us we're good, or say thanks for doing a good job. This probably all stems from your self image as a 'naughty person' but even us naughties are capable of doing a good job and maintaining good relationships at work!

Kay x

[Insomniac]

Hi there. I feel like that all the time. I'm always chatting with my hubby about how they are going to realise one day at work that I'm no good at it really.

I know my headteacher says everyone thinks I'm great, and offered me a post with more responsibility (like you), but it doesn't change my feelings. I wasn't naughty at school, but my lack of self-esteem is where my insecurity and paranoia comes from. My lack of belief in myself. I have talked with my counsellor about it and she said I should focus on the things I know I CAN do and appreciate myself more. I'm trying to do that... but its not easy.

So yes, I do think that these feelings of insecurity do come with the anxiety. It certainly seems to affect lots of us. As you say yourself - your boss would not give you more responsibility if she didn't think you would manage it!

[Dying_Swan]

Thanks everyone!

You have all really cheered me up. It's just nice to know that people understand these 'silly' feelings, if that's what they are.

Louise - my fellow perfectionist (along with Jimbo, and I suspect many others). It's a bummer. I guess we need to realise that we're human and make mistakes. What a God awful feeling though! I try really hard not to engage with those thoughts, but it's horrible.

Kay - You're right. 'Naughties' can be good too. I'm also relieved to know that other people on here have bizarre relationships with authority! I behave (mostly) these days, but I'll always be like that I think. It's a sort of love/hate thing, and I think it's why I ended up having attachment problems yet being very resistant in therapy!

Lisa - thank you for your reply. I suppose insecurity and low self-esteem can be a major cause of paranoia. Try to believe your boss. We have to remember that they aren't going to lie! Whether or not my lack of confidence came from school, I don't know. In some ways I'm very confident, and in others not at all. People who meet me think I'm confident, but they have no idea how I feel underneath it all.

Maybe that's the problem. Throughout my life, people have told me that I come across as quite hard and assertive. But I'm not at all. I never mean to come across like that, so it's not like I put on a 'front' deliberately.

Thanks again folks - you guys are great and I really appreciate your hugs and replies.

[Under~The~Stars]

We do understand these feelings (((((SWAN)))))

I know what you mean about us being human and making mistakes, I hate the thought too.

I too have attachment problems, but you already know about that I'm not sure why I have attachment problems, just know that I do

People think I'm confident too, but they couldn't be further from the truth. I wish I was confident! But I'm really not. I think the thing with me is people can't tell how I'm feeling, just because I'm used to hiding it or something - I don't know.

I definitely think your self esteem has lots to do with the paranoia. We are all here for you

Lou xxx

[Dying_Swan]

Thanks Louise.

You're a total dude - don't ever let anyone tell you otherwise!!

Night night for now. Hope you sleep well xxx

[Jimbo]

It's interesting how people see anxiety sufferers.

Before I became very ill and suffered panic attacks I'd say I was always a nervous person with very little self confidence. When I asked people how I came across, people would always say that I seemed like a very confident and calm person! Weird eh?

Now people who talk to me when I'm panicking really badly can tell, they say I normally go very pale, quiet and look very scared. But often people don't even notice. It's hard to believe when you are experiencing such intense feelings inside.

Jim