Still struggling

[Fishmanpa]

LE,

Let's get something clear. No one said you were a troll. What was said that your posting pattern resembled someone on AZ that was. That's all. It's very apparent you're struggling severely.

And sadly, yes, there are those that go onto all kinds of sites and mess with people. I even saw it on the cancer forums I was part of. To me, that's a sickness that goes beyond any documented physical or mental illness (although that behavior may indeed be some form of mental illness in itself).

I wanted to hopefully make you aware of something you said about your children not being aware of your anxiety. My ex suffered from depression. Long story short, our kids picked up on it as well as the marital problems and it was a HUGH eye opener when they did. Children are way more intuitive than we realize. You may think you're hiding your anxiety from them but I can assure you based on my experience, they pick up that something is up with their Mom.

I'm glad to hear you're in therapy and working toward healing. You didn't answer my question from an earlier post. Does your therapist know you're reassurance seeking on an anxiety forum? As I said, most would discourage it.

Positive thoughts

[LE]

I just want to throw it out there that I really do feel for you, OP. If you're actually sincere about how terrified you are (to the point where reality and fantasy are inseparable for you), that's a painful place to be at. The only reason we're probing you so much is because people with anxiety disorders, especially those with health anxiety, do not need reassurance. That's counter productive to recovery, as fish said. It seems cold, but personally, I never got anywhere with people babying me. The reason I fight my demons so hard is because I can't just sit down and cry, I won't get the response I'm looking for from the people in my life and doctors.

I know deep down you realize you're extremely anxious and it's causing a lot of your symptoms. The als fear is especially strange because it causes some of us to go through a sort of body dyorphic disorder that could remain or is just present during the fear. I never went through that particular stage but MANY people have and convinced themselves that their bodies looked abnormal, atrophied, dented, slimmer, smaller, shrunken, you name it. So they kick it up a knotch and carry around a tape measure everywhere they go so they can check their arms or legs, or they stare into a mirror for hours looking at their tongues.

This fear is incessant, and if you ask any health anxiety sufferer that has been through it, it's the hardest fear to break DESPITE the disease actually being really obvious even in the early stages. There's many people just like you that we've typed up responses for and they just can't seem to let it go because they've read story after story online and scared themselves into a state of complete illusion. Their reality begins to fall apart, and their emotions become facts. Reason flies out the door.

Once again, we've all been there at some point or another. I'd be lying if I said the stray thought didn't still cross my mind. But the difference today is im on correct medication to manage my OCD which helps in the health anxiety department as well, and I can rationalize those thoughts if they stay for too long (which typically, they just come and go).

Once again, if you're really this afraid and you're being genuine, you might want to rethink what you're doing. Maybe you need to be on different medication, it's hard to find the right one sometimes. As another user suggested, maybe your hormones are imbalanced. A lot of mothers seem to lose it when faced with morbid thoughts about death and losing the ability to care for their children. Maybe you need a new therapist, one who doesn't coddle would be preferable to people like us.

Just some suggestions. I don't want you to think we're just evil people trying to push you to the ground. The reason people are still replying is because they're frustrated and they want you to get better. No one on these boards wants someone to fail. So fight your demons, tell anxiety that it cannot control your life like this, and work on it. It's not easy, that's why so many of us just sit around and let our minds take us on sick joy rides. But it's worth it to get this beast under control so you can go back to enjoying your children and your life.

Thanks Hancock this really means a lot to hear. I wish I was having a laugh about living this but I am not. I'm worried 24/7 even though on the outside I appear 'normal'.

Every time I speak I am very aware of every word I say thinking its doesn't sound like I normally sound etc etc. It's constant.

I know you are right about the reassurance. I had to stop seeking it to get better before and it's like a drug, the more reassurance the less effect it has. When thing sgettoo much I've posted here because I genuinely want all this crap to be just anxiety and my body manifesting symptoms and me misinterpreting 'normal' functions too.

Things definitely flare up when I'm post natal.needless to say I am having no more children!!!!

Thank you.

---------- Post added at 20:18 ---------- Previous post was at 19:57 ----------

LE,

Let's get something clear. No one said you were a troll. What was said that your posting pattern resembled someone on AZ that was. That's all. It's very apparent you're struggling severely.

And sadly, yes, there are those that go onto all kinds of sites and mess with people. I even saw it on the cancer forums I was part of. To me, that's a sickness that goes beyond any documented physical or mental illness (although that behavior may indeed be some form of mental illness in itself).

I wanted to hopefully make you aware of something you said about your children not being aware of your anxiety. My ex suffered from depression. Long story short, our kids picked up on it as well as the marital problems and it was a HUGH eye opener when they did. Children are way more intuitive than we realize. You may think you're hiding your anxiety from them but I can assure you based on my experience, they pick up that something is up with their Mom.

I'm glad to hear you're in therapy and working toward healing. You didn't answer my question from an earlier post. Does your therapist know you're reassurance seeking on an anxiety forum? As I said, most would discourage it.

Positive thoughts

Thanks Fish

I replied to the bit about posting on another reply was just trying to make sure I didn't miss any.

I know what you mean and yes that is true about kids picking up on stuff. That's why I am trying to get well for my children as I am a very present mummy normally and yes the anxiety makes me pre-occupied. My youngest are 3 and the baby but my 8 year old I try to protect too. What I mean is they do not see or hear me talking about symptoms or crying etc. This is done when they are in bed or away overnight with grandparents etc. But I do know that they will pick up I'm not 'usual' mummy.

I don't lay about the house or bed going poor me and talking about ailments etc. I still do all the things I always did for them and with them but yes my mind is pre-occupied.

I am trying hard to fight.

---------- Post added at 20:34 ---------- Previous post was at 20:18 ----------

Just to update:

This all started from me having eye issues and failing a visual field test at opticians. I went to hospital where I was referred for a brain MRI, neurologist and opthamologist. The way it all worked out I had the MRI first and it was clear. Then as you all know I've seen the neurologist several times and had the emg. So today was the opthamologist. He checked my eyes and said everything was normal. He said that many people fail a visual field test and often it is people who have high anxiety. Anyway he said that had I saw him first and his findings normal he would have referred me for an MRI and to neurology but he could see I had had all of this doneand all clear. He also said he knows of the neurologist reputation and basically said today that his advice would be for me to have no more tests done as everything has already been done. He said if I was his wife etc he would be happy with everything that had been checked. He was great actually and we talked about the anxiety.

So basically today concluded all of the tests that were referred for me and I guess from here I just have to keep telling myself it's the anxiety that's playing tricks on me. This is the hard but eh?!x

Thanks again x

[Hancock]

Man, you got all clears from a team of docs that sound fantastic. Be glad and let go of this anxiety!

[Josh1234]

Not sure what made you believe the eyes are affected in ALS, but they are not. You are fine. Go live life. I wasted almost a year on this crap.

[Capercrohnj]

Wow you are lucky to have great doctors. I am jealous! I have been waiting for a long time for an urgent but elective surgery. Wish I could get in with a specialist that fast and have necessary tests, etc.

[vincy]

If you absolutely can't shake your fears, ask for an EMG to be done! That is pretty much the gold standard for testing. It can be used to rule out diseases like ALS with almost no error.