Existential OCD

[GeraltRiva]

Hey people,

I'm new to the forum and I just wanted to share my experience and ask for advice, because I'm doing terrible at the moment. I'm diagnosed with GAD and depression and I'm suffering from Obsessive thoughts since middle school. I wasn't diagnosed with OCD though, I never talked to my psychiatrist about my thoughts because they seemed irrelevant in comparison to my anxiety disorder. I had harm and sexual compulsive thoughts everyday and I think I had HOCD too. I worried about being homosexual when I went to bed and couldn't sleep until 6 a.m. trying to figure out what sexual identity I have. So I'm pretty sure I'm suffering from pure O.

My new devastating obsession is that I questioon reality all the time. It started when my anxiety was very bad a few weeks ago, I was laying in bed and imagined I was the only person in the universe. The thought terrified me and I felt so lonely and panicked a lot. From this moment everything went down. Everytime I'm with people it is like they're not really there and I feel so alone, I also panick sometimes when the thoughts become so overwhelming. I know that this thought is irrational and stupid, but the fact that nobody can prove it wrong drives me insane. I'm feeling like I've opened the Box of Pandorra and there is no way to go back to normal. I'm feeling so hopeless at the moment. I'm so scared that it's psychosis and that I will live like this forever. I just want to get out of this nightmare.



I will see my therapist tomorrow and I hope she will give me an advice. I'm medicated with Mirtazapine (30mg) and Escitalopram (10mg).

[SLA]

Thoughts do not equal reality.

What you think and what actually happens are completely separate. So your thoughts should not make you worry about your life. Thoughts never hurt anyone one.

Your brain thinks stupid things.

Mine does too, all of the time.

When you start to observe that, and you do not give the thoughts power, they go away.

but the fact that nobody can prove it wrong drives me insane.

I'm not sure what you mean here. What do you need to prove wrong?

[GeraltRiva]

I mean that there is no way to prove that the reality I experience is real. I know that sounds lunatic, but that is what make this thoughts so intrusive. Everytime I look at people I imagine they're not real, it's like a compulsion.

[SLA]

Everytime I look at people I imagine they're not real

How does this manifest itself?

What do you imagine?

[GeraltRiva]

That's kind of hard to describe, even though I know they are real people like me, it is like they have no consciousness, just like robots.
The feeling disappears every now and then when I get distracted.

[SLA]

I know they are real people like me

Deep down, you know this is true. Your core moral code knows that these people are real with their own loves and spirits.

You are having OCD thoughts which initially made you panic, because they seemed scary.

But its not real, and its just the mind stuck in a loop that isn't constructive.

Don't take your thoughts so seriously. They are not always helpful.

[GeraltRiva]

Thank you for your answer.

I try my best to cope with the situation but these moments of loneliness are extremely terrifiyng, just the thought of being the only human in the universe makes me panic.
In addition I always had a distinct power of imagination, which makes this thoughts seems so real.

[SLA]

just the thought of being the only human in the universe makes me panic.

Sounds quite nice to me.

[GeraltRiva]

Sounds quite nice to me.

Yeah I hope I can think about those thoughts the same way... some day

[MyNameIsTerry]

I would advise you to have a look at the DP/DR board as well as this one as they talk about subjects like this quite a lot.

The fact is - you can't prove it nor disprove it.

I think with this type of theme acceptance is a very important tool because you will never find the answer and you need to work on being ok with that. Acceptance based methods are good at this.

Black & white thinking, known as All-or-nothing thinking or Dichotomous Reasoning, is one of the Cognitive Distortions and attempt to get a 100% solid yes or no answer. In many of life's questions you will never get this and to the anxious obsessive mind it can be big stuff like your current theme or something as trivial as the colour of a passerby's t-shirt.

At the worst of my OCD I was double checking, rereading, etc often into quits some multiples and part of that was getting the absolute answer our I felt I couldn't move on. The amount of times I walked back somewhere to read a car numberplate, lamp post label or any other poster, I can't tell you.

Work on bringing your overall anxiety levels down, it helps with obsessive cycles. And work on acceptance, seeing life's shades of grey as ok. Learning to decide it is not important to always have certainty is part of this.

Have a look at Viking111's threads/posts. He's a young guy who has had some DP/DR & themes like this and recovered from them.