I can never ever win or be content

[elik]

So I haven't been on here for a while as I'm trying not to rely on it too much and try and be more outside of my head. Unfortunately I just feel more isolated. I am so socially inept these days, struggling on every social interaction no matter whether I'm close or not with the person/people. I just feel so on edge, so scared that I'll look flawed in anyway. I am just so so isolated within myself and my exterior does such a good job at holding it together and being bubbly etc hence why I don't like getting too close to people or spending too much time with people as it means huge amounts of pressure to maintain this image. I cannot open up and even if I push myself to try it comes out weird and I retract and get anxious. I don't voice opinions, if someone or something were to upset me I'd just keep it to myself in fear of looking negative or bitchy when I could not be further from. It's just sheer frustration in so many situations in my life and I cannot resolve them with help from others because it just breeds anxiety and so much terror. The amount of situations with people that have upset me or I've been over compensating I never tell anyone as it's not their issue so I have so much built up frustration and I honestly wish people would erase me from their minds because although I'd be depressed on my own I wouldn't feel the need to please all the time. All my money goes on keeping up appearances it's so terribly out of hand. I would love new clothes for instance but I need to spend it on socialising and drinking etc so I look fun still and don't sound dull. I'm constantly planning with people to keep up to date with and keep them happy which is something I like to do even though I fail terribly and I sometimes question what sort of life I myself am living. It's pathetic. I mould myself into everyone's ideals and I'm left with nothing - no career, no respect, no money, no future. I'm failing at life so badly.

[OwenIsNotDoingSoHot]

Hello there, Elik! That's a fear we all have, to lose ourselves in pursuit of social acceptance. As you're detailing, and as I know from personal experience it's an empty life. A... half life, to quote Firenze.

What you need to do is find yourself, as generic and pretentious that sounds. To find what makes you happy, not what makes the shadow person happy. Subjective happiness is not subject to objective means, meaning what makes others happy doesn't always make you happy. Me, I like a whiskey with good friends, bad TV and lots of complaining. That's heaven for me.

Also, what measure are you using to determine your life's successes? To your friends, family? One person might be content with a studio flat, a color TV and the occasional beer. Another wants a family, a loving wife/husband and kids. I think you need to find your true self in order to find what you truly want from life!

You mentioned a lack of a career, or prospects. Well, might I suggest education! GCSE modules can be taken as an adult, there is a service than I can't link because of my "new" status but it's easily find-able with Google and "Adult GCSE's", which leads onto the Open University and A-Levels, and then Undergrad/postgraduate courses. If disposable income is an issue, I would look into student loans as they currently don't generate interest. Or, personal loans from a bank, most nowadays are around 25% fixed rate.

I welcome you to bombard me with your frustrations/annoyances instead of letting them fester. Also, I don't mean to come off as condescending, or preachy I just can't help but suggest help when I see someone in need

All the best, Owen!

[elik]

Hi Owen,

Thanks so much for your response! Means a lot!

I do try and find what my true values and wants are in life but I am punished with such severe guilt that I'm letting someone down. I feel like my life is just being productive, keeping up appearances and making people happy which I love doing but I put myself last and I have no idea how to be stronger for myself without appearing selfish or difficult. It actually boggles me how people do it. I transform to different versions of me to gel with everyone and it's not normal. I have been thinking about doing educational studies again as I do enjoy studying and will give me something to work for!

Thanks

[SLA]

I transform to different versions of me to gel with everyone and it's not normal.

It is normal.

Stop caring so much. People, in general, are not paying that much attention to what goes on around them.

Stop taking life, yourself, and others so seriously.

You can still be there for people, but there is no pressure to do so.

One day it'll all be gone, and you'll wonder what all the fuss was about.

[elik]

SLA - It's frustrating because what you say is so true and I know that but I get tremendous guilt and that drives me to do these very things over and over

I seem to have a very busy social calender at the moment and to most people they may be flattered etc but I am thinking how can I maintain this, I am spending so much money and not being my full self and letting others be theirs and it's pretty damn stressful. People won't get me if I'm honest (past experience proves this) and i feel if I'm not on top of my game then I'm terrible.

I am so messed up underneath the facade I give off. So many things play and niggle st me on top of this and let alone not having a career I don't know how I'd manage that too!