So I haven't been on here for a while as I'm trying not to rely on it too much and try and be more outside of my head. Unfortunately I just feel more isolated. I am so socially inept these days, struggling on every social interaction no matter whether I'm close or not with the person/people. I just feel so on edge, so scared that I'll look flawed in anyway. I am just so so isolated within myself and my exterior does such a good job at holding it together and being bubbly etc hence why I don't like getting too close to people or spending too much time with people as it means huge amounts of pressure to maintain this image. I cannot open up and even if I push myself to try it comes out weird and I retract and get anxious. I don't voice opinions, if someone or something were to upset me I'd just keep it to myself in fear of looking negative or bitchy when I could not be further from. It's just sheer frustration in so many situations in my life and I cannot resolve them with help from others because it just breeds anxiety and so much terror. The amount of situations with people that have upset me or I've been over compensating I never tell anyone as it's not their issue so I have so much built up frustration and I honestly wish people would erase me from their minds because although I'd be depressed on my own I wouldn't feel the need to please all the time. All my money goes on keeping up appearances it's so terribly out of hand. I would love new clothes for instance but I need to spend it on socialising and drinking etc so I look fun still and don't sound dull. I'm constantly planning with people to keep up to date with and keep them happy which is something I like to do even though I fail terribly and I sometimes question what sort of life I myself am living. It's pathetic. I mould myself into everyone's ideals and I'm left with nothing - no career, no respect, no money, no future. I'm failing at life so badly.