PLEASE READ!!! ITS LONG BUT IM IN NEED OF HELP PLEASE
KIND OF HATING MY LIFE AT THE MOMENT
Ok. I'm so stressed. I'm a 14 year old girl with what I think is hocd. For all my life I have liked guys. There has been the occasional times where I have found a girl to be pretty and had some sort of admiration feeling. I have never had a boyfriend because i have strict parents. However, I just freeze up around guys and can't even talk. It's awkward.
This anxiety started when I got a tingle in my private part while examining a picture. It is now at its worst point. When I was little, I used to draw nipples on the girls barbies (kind of making feel like it was me), and then the girl (me), would make out with the guy barbie. Then I would get turned on and actually make out with the guy barbie.
I am currently crushing on a cute guy from my dancing. Which makes me wonder because I fell for him because I had a dream that he fell for me. This seems to be the case with most of the guys I like (strange). I am so scared right now. I have always wanted to have sex with a guy (I have been waiting until I'm old enough to do it), but since this problem, all I can see in the future is me being with a girl and I hate it. I also heard that your sexuality can change around this age too which FREAKS ME THE HELL OUT!! I'm also a girly girly but not "boy crazy" however I have liked MANY guys. Some of the I have liked for 5-6 years.
So now I have convinced myself I'm gay. I hate it. I look at girls and their boobs and it's pretty but then freak out again because I just said a girls boobs were pretty. I can't handle it anymore. I might be in denial. But when I think about my crush I just want to cuddle him because he's so cute. I also love the thought of being on a guy and stroking my hands on his abs ( when I wrote this I went into full on romance mode ). As I think back I have had lots of male crushes, but what also concerns me is when I was little, I drew the nipples on the girls barbies, but I got turned on by the guy ones and made out with the guys ones. I have always dreaming about having sex with guys. But then when I thought about it with girls, I had no reaction. A few days ago I hated it but now I'm confused. I always try to impress cute guys. But last night i tried to impress a girl at dancing, what I was thinking at the time was "my friends and I need to prove to the older ones that we can actually dance". Of course I concluded to the "omg this means I'm gay". I get so nervous around my crush and always try to impress him. I hate the thought of being with a girl, yet maybe I should just accept it. I balled my eyes out just before I wrote this and told myself I was gay a few times but when I said it I just felt hot headed and my heart fired up. I should probably just accept it. The stress is literally killing me. I hate it. I just compared the way I liked guys to the way I liked girls, guys make me happy when I think about being with one. Girls make me cringe and my mind is contemplating and stressing. I'm also not sure if falling for guys who fall for me is a sign either. Maybe I am gay and don't want to admit it. I HATE THIS OMG! I saw a picture of a girls boobs and butt and had a fight with my mind if I liked it or not, of course I told myself I did and am freaking out. I also don't get attracted to guys easily but have found myself falling for a lot of older guys
On tv over the years. I thought about having sex with my crush and I enjoyed every single moment of it. However I had a sexual dream with girls TWO nights in a row. I just think I enjoyed them AAHHH HELP. I also saw this girl at dancing and kept on thinking about her naked!?!???? AHHH. I think I liked that too but it was cringey and made my hocd (idek if it is anymore) worse. I just want to be with my crush. But I get so nervous around guys that I can't even speak to them! I got so turned on though the other day because I was talking to a guy about bras that didn't fit me and god, I was turned on because the guy liked it and I was starting something. That felt amazing. I just don't feel that with girls.
I just need help. I can't see a therapist either because there is no time to see one and I heard that they aren't great. I just need someone to give me their opinion whether or not if I'm gay in denial or if it's just a serious case of hocd. My life has been flipped and I suddenly feel like I'm gay but I just can't accept it. Anyone have any advice?