I'm not sure if I ever had HOCD!!! HELP

[Helpmeeeeeeeplz]

PLEASE READ!!! ITS LONG BUT IM IN NEED OF HELP PLEASE
KIND OF HATING MY LIFE AT THE MOMENT

Ok. I'm so stressed. I'm a 14 year old girl with what I think is hocd. For all my life I have liked guys. There has been the occasional times where I have found a girl to be pretty and had some sort of admiration feeling. I have never had a boyfriend because i have strict parents. However, I just freeze up around guys and can't even talk. It's awkward.

This anxiety started when I got a tingle in my private part while examining a picture. It is now at its worst point. When I was little, I used to draw nipples on the girls barbies (kind of making feel like it was me), and then the girl (me), would make out with the guy barbie. Then I would get turned on and actually make out with the guy barbie.

I am currently crushing on a cute guy from my dancing. Which makes me wonder because I fell for him because I had a dream that he fell for me. This seems to be the case with most of the guys I like (strange). I am so scared right now. I have always wanted to have sex with a guy (I have been waiting until I'm old enough to do it), but since this problem, all I can see in the future is me being with a girl and I hate it. I also heard that your sexuality can change around this age too which FREAKS ME THE HELL OUT!! I'm also a girly girly but not "boy crazy" however I have liked MANY guys. Some of the I have liked for 5-6 years.

So now I have convinced myself I'm gay. I hate it. I look at girls and their boobs and it's pretty but then freak out again because I just said a girls boobs were pretty. I can't handle it anymore. I might be in denial. But when I think about my crush I just want to cuddle him because he's so cute. I also love the thought of being on a guy and stroking my hands on his abs ( when I wrote this I went into full on romance mode ). As I think back I have had lots of male crushes, but what also concerns me is when I was little, I drew the nipples on the girls barbies, but I got turned on by the guy ones and made out with the guys ones. I have always dreaming about having sex with guys. But then when I thought about it with girls, I had no reaction. A few days ago I hated it but now I'm confused. I always try to impress cute guys. But last night i tried to impress a girl at dancing, what I was thinking at the time was "my friends and I need to prove to the older ones that we can actually dance". Of course I concluded to the "omg this means I'm gay". I get so nervous around my crush and always try to impress him. I hate the thought of being with a girl, yet maybe I should just accept it. I balled my eyes out just before I wrote this and told myself I was gay a few times but when I said it I just felt hot headed and my heart fired up. I should probably just accept it. The stress is literally killing me. I hate it. I just compared the way I liked guys to the way I liked girls, guys make me happy when I think about being with one. Girls make me cringe and my mind is contemplating and stressing. I'm also not sure if falling for guys who fall for me is a sign either. Maybe I am gay and don't want to admit it. I HATE THIS OMG! I saw a picture of a girls boobs and butt and had a fight with my mind if I liked it or not, of course I told myself I did and am freaking out. I also don't get attracted to guys easily but have found myself falling for a lot of older guys
On tv over the years. I thought about having sex with my crush and I enjoyed every single moment of it. However I had a sexual dream with girls TWO nights in a row. I just think I enjoyed them AAHHH HELP. I also saw this girl at dancing and kept on thinking about her naked!?!???? AHHH. I think I liked that too but it was cringey and made my hocd (idek if it is anymore) worse. I just want to be with my crush. But I get so nervous around guys that I can't even speak to them! I got so turned on though the other day because I was talking to a guy about bras that didn't fit me and god, I was turned on because the guy liked it and I was starting something. That felt amazing. I just don't feel that with girls.

I just need help. I can't see a therapist either because there is no time to see one and I heard that they aren't great. I just need someone to give me their opinion whether or not if I'm gay in denial or if it's just a serious case of hocd. My life has been flipped and I suddenly feel like I'm gay but I just can't accept it. Anyone have any advice?

[Clydesdale Epona]

Honestly I think you're thinking too much into it,
May I ask why you're worried about being gay? what's the fear behind it?
you could even be bisexual(right now I'd say bicurious) and there's no really knowing for sure until you're older and have experiences, I had a similar experience with the fear that I was transgender and it turned out in the end I was (but after realizing it I wasn't angry or afraid anymore I was greatly relieved) you're too young to be driving yourself crazy with this, just have fun and enjoy your teens, it'll come to you eventually whether you're straight or bi or even something else and even if you turn out to be anything other than straight its not the end of the world x

All the best

[Helpmeeeeeeeplz]

Thank you so so much for replying. But the thing is, I can't stop thinking about it. I love the attraction I feel with guys and might learn to live attraction with girls but it all doesn't feel right. Everywhere I look I'm reminded about it and literally lose it. When I'm with my friends however, I forget about it. There is this one boy who I am close too which I'm falling for. He makes me laugh like no one else could. I just want someone's opinion if whether it's hocd or not. I know that I need to figure it out for myself, but it's too critical and I just can't think. I worry so much because that's just not who I want to be. I have so much respect for the LGBTQ community, but I have never liked the thought of being one. (Much respect to you too)! I have seen lesbian stuff if shows I have watched (such as glee and Pretty Little Liars) and they disgusted me. However it seems like my brain wants me to be like that. And I'm not sure what to write anymore

[Clydesdale Epona]

Ah now I'm seeing the difference, okay
When I was having the same issue with being transgender, to see whether it was hocd or not I had to ask myself all the questions, "do I really see myself as the opposite sex? yes" "could I live like it happily? heck yeah" ect.
the difference between being and being afraid of is that if you are something it'll intrigue you and you'll accept it, if you're really just afraid of it you'll be convinced you are but terrified, sexuality is like many things in the sense that we have to be comfortable with it and if you're scared to death of being one and or can't imagine yourself as one then you aren't one,
So in my personal opinion I really think its just Hocd, don't underestimate the power of your brain, if you need to talk about anything else or vent more I'm always here

All the best x

[Helpmeeeeeeeplz]

Thank you. The thing is, yes I can see myself with another girl when I'm older (I talked to another hocd sufferer and he said this is what your brain does) but right now, I can't say that I would be happy with one. Can I see myself with a guy, yes, would I like it, yes! Just by writing that I got turned on. I love the thought of being on top of a guy with abs. But I can't get aroused by one!! I only get the tingles down under from girls?!?! (I also read it is normal to get aroused by anything sexual). As I said in my post, I spoke to a guys about bras that didn't fit me and I got so turned on by him because I thought he would like the picture of me in his head of me in a bra. There has been times where I have found girls which I have thought that I have been attracted to. But I don't want to be in a relationship with them. When I get attracted to guys, oh hell yeah I want to be with them!!! To see more of my story, can you please read my post from another website that wasn't useful, but just read my post. the website is medhelp. If you go to the communities tab when you click the top right, look for mental health and OCD will be in that catergory. Click that, and my post should be the second on on the list. (I have the same username as this one)

---------- Post added at 11:41 ---------- Previous post was at 11:36 ----------

My crush also just sent me a message and my heart got nerves and I felt pure happiness. I also want to cry a little.

---------- Post added at 11:56 ---------- Previous post was at 11:41 ----------

Do you think it's weird that I drew nipples of the girls barbies and then made out with the guy barbies when I was little? How old are you btw? How bad was your experience? AHHHH now it's all worse because I keep reading things like "oh yeah youll discover that you're gay later in life"

[Dave1]

Hi,
I'm no expert, but here's my opinion anyway!! It seems to me you are having natural anxiety about how life will turn out (who doesn't?) and the anxiety is manifesting itself in the form of HOCD. It's mystifying how these anxieties take the shape they do, different people get different strange fears.

[Helpmeeeeeeeplz]

Thank you for the response! It all just feels so real though. That somehow I'm gonna be a lesbian one day. But I just can't accept that. I just played around with my body parts thinking that I was doing that to another girl, and I think that I kind of liked it?!??!????!!!!!! I'm so scared!!! I also got up pictures of girls pouting and practising kissing them, but I instantly pulled away because I found it disgusting and I nearly vomited. However that could been forced. I also did the same thing the other day with no pictures, but with my imagination, and I pulled away for the girls and without realising it, I added tongue to the kissing with the guys. THIS IS KILLING ME!! I also recently watched an add on tv about a girl laughing and I was picturing me being with her and laughing, THEN I SMILED. Maybe I just can't accept it.

[Helpmeeeeeeeplz]

Someone help me

[Fishmanpa]

I suggested on your other thread that you go to an adult you trust (parents, relative, teacher etc.) and ask them to get you some professional help. At 14, you should't have to suffer this much mentally as you are.

I can see that you're really hurting and in a spiral but these are just words on a screen and it's my opinion that real life help would be more beneficial than words on a screen.

Positive thoughts

Just wanted to add...

I can't see a therapist either because there is no time to see one and I heard that they aren't great.

If you have time to post and wait online several hours for responses, then you have time to see a therapist. What you "heard" is not the case. A good therapist will help you. I have a daughter that suffers from anxiety and depression. She came to me when she was 18 and told me what was going on. I, along with her mother made sure she got help. With therapy and meds, she's doing great and just graduated college.

[Dave1]

Hi,
If you read back through your own posts it's obvious you like guys.