Questioning myself

[Ihavelostmymarbles]

I hate not knowing whether my symptoms are real or from anxiety! I sit here and worry, like what if it's an emergency? What if it's a new chronic illness? What if? What if? WHAT IF?

I know that pregnancy is harder than my body than it is for some people. I know this. I've experienced issues every time, and I've had to find ways to deal with things. I honestly don't think I'd have the anxiety that I have now if I didn't have kids. Don't take that as me not loving/wanting them because I love them and want them so much! All of this is because I don't want to leave them (die), and I don't want to give them an illness that will ruin their lives. Others with chronic illness issues don't really seem to share that fear with me. They still want things in life, like a family with kids. They have hope that they will get better, but I fear that I will get worse. I don't know how to be happy anymore. Maybe it's the hormones making this worse, but things were much easier for me to accept when my chronic illness symptoms were mild--now they are moderate. I'm miserable and I'm scared. The upcoming appointment for the cardiologist isn't helping either.

[Sphincterclench]

I understand what you mean 1000% as I do it myself.

the "what ifs" will drive you mad.

I don't know how to be happy anymore

This also rings true to me. I want it, but I lost the ability to just have it. I still get glimpses of it now and then but to just be a happy person in general? I forget how and dont know that I will ever be allowed more than moments.

I will gladly take what I can get, but I want more and thats what I hope for with CBT and Meds, still early in the game for both but those are my initial goals.

[AntsyVee]

There is always a WhAt IF. Always. No matter what you are anxious about. It's about accepting that life can be scary, and we can't control it as much as we would like to...some things will just happen. Worry about the things you can change, and try not to worry about the things you can't. It's easy said than done, and it's a struggle for all of us, but we have to keep reminding ourselves of these facts.

[Ihavelostmymarbles]

That's definitely something I struggle with. Control. I don't like anyone being in control of me. That's probably why I hate hospitals because I hate putting my life in someone else's hands. Acceptance--I knew you once before and I hope to know you again. Right now, my best friends are fear and doubt.

[AntsyVee]

When I got PTSD in Nov. of 2014, from probably November to March 2015, I was so consumed with "what ifs" that I would make my whole family call to check in with me when they went somewhere. Try telling your 68 year old father that he needs to call you when he gets home because you are so paranoid of losing someone again that you need to know he got home safely...but not like from big things like a vacation, but from little things like trips to the store. It is still hard for me to feel safe, but I've realized that I've had to get a grip on doing things like that. All of us anxiety-prone people are control freaks, but unfortunately there is just no way we can control everything.