Recovery from Derealization/Depersonalization - YOU WILL BE OKAY I PROMISE!!!!
Hi, all.
This thread was a life-saver for me once I got to the point during my bout of dp/dr that I could actually read and focus and consider things. I understand some of you will be reading this in a bit of a haze, as I have as well. It's okay. Don't beat yourself up about it. Take a breath, take a step back, and just read it, anyway. I can promise you that this subject is real, anxiety is real, I am real, and you are very, very, very real. Deep, deep down you actually know this. It just may take some time to get back to that self.
I'll start by saying that from the limited research I have done, it seems that the disorder can be caused by many things. Some folks get there from having a pot "overdose," some get there from a traumatic experience, and some get there from anxiety with an overactive imagination. That last one is the category I fall under.
My anxiety was a couple years in the making but I didn't acknowledge it until I started having severe agoraphobia and panic disorder in NYC. I put off finding a solution to it until I had to call my Mother to fly up to the city to bring me back home. Nothing felt real. There was no present moment that I felt normal in. I felt like I was in a dream. And I was just a shell of my former self.
I couldn't even board the plane by myself. I was in a very bad way. Though I never realistically considered suicide, there were many times that I thought things would be so much easier if I could just fall asleep and wake up whenever things were back to normal. But that won't happen. And that wouldn't help anything, because you need to be aware, alert, and wide awake to find yourself. If there's room in your head to consider this in a potentially positive light, think of this as your mind and body coming together to say that you have not been taking the time they need to rest and relax. That's much of what the problem was for me.
So, in the midst of living in NYC, I flew home with my Mom to Tennessee, and crashed for many hours in our living room. Thing is, I needed to be home and nestled in a safe and secure environment filled with love and understanding. And thank God that's what my parents were able to provide. If you are able to do so, I highly recommend taking a step back and going as close back to your roots as possible, or at least find a way to be around your closest family or friends as much as possible. We just need to be taken care of once in a while. It's only natural, and it's quite brave to be able to admit it. Wayyyyy too many people love you and want you to be happy for you to give up in a state of despair. So grab onto that and hold it tight and know that that love is universal. I want you to be happy and "normal" and so does the rest of this vast network of people who have been through this, too.
I ended up staying home for 5 entire months.
The first two weeks were still difficult, but I was safe. I got started on Zoloft and I took half of a Xanax twice a day.
Note about Xanax: it can make you feel a bit more chilled out, a bit more numb, and make you not care about your worries as much. That's helpful to jumpstart you back to a positive place. But don't stay on it unless you absolutely need it to survive hour to hour. It can accentuate the feeling of an abnormal reality.
With Zoloft, I was fortunate that it worked for me. These medicines are quite sensitive, as are our beautiful, difficult brains, which is why it may take some time to find the right one that can help. Give yourself time. Be patient. You'll get there.
I also took to seeing a therapist, which happened to be the most important aid that was needed. I instantly clicked with my therapist, and grew to love her. And she helped me in a very simple, positive light. She began by teaching me to accept anxiety, accept being home, and accept putting the rest of my life on hold til I got better. So that's what I did. And it worked.
HUGE NOTE: DP/DR IS JUST ANXIETY AND THAT'S ALL THERE IS TO IT AND I SWEAR TO YOU THAT THAT IS REAL.
There were things I didn't trust myself to do when I got home. Like driving a car. But after a couple weeks of being on lock-down mode and staying inside, I began to go out to places with my family. Being in public didn't frighten me if I just ALLOWED myself to be focused on the things that were in front of me, things that were very real and had always been real, including myself.
Being with the people I loved and adored was HUGE in the process. Particularly when you get some good ole belly laughs in there. Laughing from the gut will restore some major reality back into you and your brain. You're laughing because something is F***ING funny. And that's totally real.
My DP took on the manifestation of DR a few weeks after being home, in response to me being in my friend's wedding. It was a huge step for me to take to appear in a wedding and be able to stand there and not pass out or convince myself I couldn't breathe anymore. But I did it. I did the wedding, I laughed many times with my friends, and I was happy for all there. I still was going in and out of my head at times, but I stayed focused on the task at hand and the people who were actually in front of me and I made it through and was proud of myself for it. That was real.
It's important to push yourself to do the things you're most uncomfortable with at this point. Because it's the only way to give ourselves the much-needed shocking or surprising moments of the day that give us spontaneity and gets us out of our heads. So stop staying inside. Stop shying away from the world. This world is real, you are real, and the world NEEDS you. I need you to be better. Everyone who loves you needs you to be better. So be brave and beat the shit out of this thing because I know you can.
I understand that all processes are different. I understand that some people have this disorder on and off for years.
But speaking from experience, I can tell you loud and clear that I have started my first off-Broadway show which will run for six months; I've come back to the city and very happily and slowly discovered that I was infinitely more capable of living my life than I was giving myself credit for.
But what's important right now is that you take all the time you need to take care of yourself. Don't put it off. Go see a therapist you connect with, one who is familiar with this disorder.
When you feel overwhelmed, close your eyes and just listen to sounds that are really there. Smell scents that are really really there, open your eyes and see what is really there. You know how to do this. Your brain is just trying to flip you out. But your real self and your real state of happiness and peace WILL win out. You're going to be okay. I promise from the bottom of my heart.
Also, I'm a Buddhist now. I highly recommend connecting with something on a spiritual level. That may be the part of you that is currently lacking.
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