Am I being ridiculous? Anxiety really taking hold.

[Wantingtomoveon]

Hi! Total newbie here!

I've been a sufferer of depression and mega anxiety all my adult life (I'm now 30). I've been 'OK' for a couple of years now med free. Until the last week or so.

I moved 3 hours away from my family in my mid twenties for career reasons.
Met my husband and we were blessed with a beautiful baby (now toddler).

For the last 7 years I've been nagging my husband to move back to my hometown as I desperately miss my family and being so isolated up here. Last year he happily agreed and we are just waiting for everything to go through with the solicitor and exchange & complete.

Initially I was ecstatic then the black cloud and doom that I no oh so well kicked in.

You see, my teen and my early twenties were extremely colourful and eventful. I had a good upbringing and did well at school but for some reason I was a wild child. I held down an office job but on the side me and a couple of friends decided to escort. Not to fund anything dodgy but to pay for holidays and luxury things that normal teenage girls couldn't. A couple of friends knew, my mums ex boyfriend knew and at that time it was nothing major just a young girl living a free life. I did this for quite a few years on and off.Later on I caught the herpes virus. A bit of a shock at first but a guy I had been dating had cold sores and at the one I was naive. Learnt it was very common. Again, a handful of friends knew and my mums ex (he was like a dad at the time although eventually we grew to despise each other). My husband of course knows about the STD. Not the escort life. After all, it's in the past not the person I am now. Although he probably wouldn't be surprised if I told him, he knows I was a bit of a wild child.

I have this sickening feeling that I can't shake. I feel sick all the time, I wake up with a dark cloud over me. I feel like I'm making a big mistake. I have my little family unit here where no one knows me. I've wanted nothing more than to move back for years though. Now I am wondering what if my toddler eventually finds out about mummy's past. What if someone tells my toddler when theyre old enough to understand? What if my toddler hates me and doesn't look at me the same way? What if I bump into someone when I'm about? What if someone shouts something to me? What if everyone in my road finds out? This was a few years ago (like 8/9/10 years).

I told my mum my concerns. She says I'm being ridiculous. I told my hubby my concerns (only about the STD part) he also thinks I'm being stupid and just trying to make myself miserable. He says that I'll die and all people will say is how miserable I was and that I could never be happy. I'm just so worried about the past catching up with me and the whole world knowing. My toddler is my number 1 concern. We have such a good opportunity here, home wise, family wise, upbringing wise. I just can't stop crying about this. I'm so so worried.
Don't get me wrong, I'm moving to a town of a population of roughly 210,000 people, it's not a small village but you know the world always seems like a small world.

I just need to do something about this, talk to you guys, get suggestions etc. I'm not a bad person. I'm a good person. I know my past life seems a bit gross but I'm the last person you'd think would do these things. I don't necessarily have regrets but I do regret not thinking ahead to how I might feel one day if I have children. I'm sh*t scared and don't know what to do.

Thank you if you got to the end 😊

---------- Post added at 19:03 ---------- Previous post was at 17:25 ----------

Wow 28 views. Maybe I should be worried then?😭😭

[Jull]

You said it's just the past I bet the only person who should be forget it is you.
Everyone makes mistakes but they deserve a chance to fix.

[Wantingtomoveon]

Thank you for replying?

Can anyone else help?
I've been sick this evening my tummy butterflies are so bad ��

---------- Post added at 20:57 ---------- Previous post was at 20:09 ----------

Anyone?

[up a ladder]

That is a dilemma.
I can see what your issue is. As you say it is a small world and people can pop up anywhere, moving closer to "home" will mean you are more likely to bump into people from the past.
The STD part to me is just one of those things and these days I dont think it is anything anyone would care or comment on if they knew.
The escort issue may be more tricky as I can see why you would worry, however this was in the past and we have all done things. It hardly makes you a criminal does it? I think if you and your daughter have a good relationship it would not make any difference. That is if the issue ever arises. My friends and I did some really stupid stuff in the 80s and 90s that loads of people knew about, but my kids are not aware of any of it except what I chose to tell them. We see many people who were around in those days.
To me I think you are trying to forgive yourself for something you are seeing as some major issues. Are they really?

The benefits of being close to family you have a good relationship with are worth their weight in gold.

Keep well.

[Bittersweet05]

Yes. I agree. The past is the past. We all have done things in our past that we are not proud of. You have to forgive yourself and move on. Not everyone is perfect. Move back and have a wonderful life with your husband and child.

[lior]

I would say something a bit different from the others. I don't think that you being an escort was a mistake or anything to be ashamed of.

In your story, there's lots of things going on.
- fear of judgement by your husband
- fear of judgement by the town
- fear of judgement by your children
- the judgment you are putting on yourself about what it means to have been an escort
- shame of an STD
- shame of being an escort
- fear of the unknown in the next stage of your life (though you're mainly excited)
- and I bet there's more that I can't see!

It's easy to see why you're anxious right now. That's lots of things to be thinking about. Maybe it would help if you dealt with all the little bits and pieces, one by one?

I believed that my sexuality and mental health were things that I should be ashamed about. I hid it from the world. I am now open about these things, and it's so liberating. On the whole I don't get judged by people for it, though there will always be some people who are nasty. If you ever decide to come 'out of the closet', it's possible you would feel liberated and people would judge you much less than you think.

There is a whole world out there of 'sex positive' people who would think it's cool that you were sexually liberated and that you tried out being an escort. They would want to hear your story, and tell you theirs. They would not judge you for your experiences and your choices. If you're going to a town, not a village, I bet you'll be able to connect with new people like that.

You have the potential to raise your children to be 'sex positive' and to not treat sex as shameful. This would affect how they see escort work. Can you do some internet research into 'sex positive' politics and culture? It might validate your experiences and take away some of your shame.

Do you have a desire to be completely open with your husband and not be judged for it? On some level, do you believe that you are unlovable because you were an escort?

You are lovable, whatever you have done and whoever you are.

[Wantingtomoveon]

You said it's just the past I bet the only person who should be forget it is you.
Everyone makes mistakes but they deserve a chance to fix.

Thank you for your reply

---------- Post added at 12:43 ---------- Previous post was at 12:41 ----------

Thank you, that gives me some comfort.

---------- Post added at 12:43 ---------- Previous post was at 12:43 ----------

Thank you

---------- Post added at 12:55 ---------- Previous post was at 12:43 ----------

I would say something a bit different from the others. I don't think that you being an escort was a mistake or anything to be ashamed of.

In your story, there's lots of things going on.
- fear of judgement by your husband
- fear of judgement by the town
- fear of judgement by your children
- the judgment you are putting on yourself about what it means to have been an escort
- shame of an STD
- shame of being an escort
- fear of the unknown in the next stage of your life (though you're mainly excited)
- and I bet there's more that I can't see!

It's easy to see why you're anxious right now. That's lots of things to be thinking about. Maybe it would help if you dealt with all the little bits and pieces, one by one?

I believed that my sexuality and mental health were things that I should be ashamed about. I hid it from the world. I am now open about these things, and it's so liberating. On the whole I don't get judged by people for it, though there will always be some people who are nasty. If you ever decide to come 'out of the closet', it's possible you would feel liberated and people would judge you much less than you think.

There is a whole world out there of 'sex positive' people who would think it's cool that you were sexually liberated and that you tried out being an escort. They would want to hear your story, and tell you theirs. They would not judge you for your experiences and your choices. If you're going to a town, not a village, I bet you'll be able to connect with new people like that.

You have the potential to raise your children to be 'sex positive' and to not treat sex as shameful. This would affect how they see escort work. Can you do some internet research into 'sex positive' politics and culture? It might validate your experiences and take away some of your shame.

Do you have a desire to be completely open with your husband and not be judged for it? On some level, do you believe that you are unlovable because you were an escort?

You are lovable, whatever you have done and whoever you are.

Thank you for your detailed response Lior. I appreciate each and everyone of my replies from everyone here.

Do you mind me asking if this is something you have previously done then?(escorting?)

That is a really interesting take on the situation and really good food for thought. I have never really thought of it that way.

I do want to be open with my husband but only to alleviate some anxiety and get reassurance. It was in my past so never gave it a second thought to tell him. I'm not sure now is the right time though!

I have a lot of shame for what I have done. I am so far removed from that type of lifestyle now. At the time I never thought to myself "what if one day you have a child and how will they view you for doing it".

It makes me feel sick to my stomach the though of my daughter finding out and hating me/judging me for it.

My husband has made such a big commitment moving to my home town, I want that initial excitement back before the anxiety set in. I want it to be a positive experience for us all.

[lior]

Thank you for your detailed response Lior. I appreciate each and everyone of my replies from everyone here.

Do you mind me asking if this is something you have previously done then?(escorting?)

That is a really interesting take on the situation and really good food for thought. I have never really thought of it that way.

I do want to be open with my husband but only to alleviate some anxiety and get reassurance. It was in my past so never gave it a second thought to tell him. I'm not sure now is the right time though!

I have a lot of shame for what I have done. I am so far removed from that type of lifestyle now. At the time I never thought to myself "what if one day you have a child and how will they view you for doing it".

It makes me feel sick to my stomach the though of my daughter finding out and hating me/judging me for it.

My husband has made such a big commitment moving to my home town, I want that initial excitement back before the anxiety set in. I want it to be a positive experience for us all.

No, I haven't done escorting. I considered it but I was too afraid. I was pretty promiscuous when I was at uni - everyone was, and I was extremely depressed, and had come out of a sexually abusive relationship which had twisted what sex meant to me.

Now I'm part of 'sex positive' circles in London. We're welcoming of people of all sexualities and all genders, and are happy to talk about sex in a way that most people aren't. Lots of people stand up for sex workers' rights. I'm pansexual and polyamorous so I fit in with these people, though my straight monogamous friends are part of these circles too.

As a person who has experienced rape, I find these circles are more willing to hear me and not judge me. I also find that they are much more aware of mental health issues and race/discrimination issues too.

People talk about how they raise their children to be non-judgemental, and with all sorts of other awarenesses and values too, such as feeling that they own their own bodies (to help combat any possibility of sexual abuse), and to allow for acceptance of any gender and sexuality that they turn out to be (so they play with whatever toys they want to play with, whatever their sex, and they are raised with a non-judgemental awareness of homosexuality and that trans people exist).

I don't have children - I can't imagine how difficult it is to raise children. I would love kids though! And I hope that I'll figure out a way to raise my kids in a way that they feel able to discover themselves without negative judgement from me - if I can do that, then surely they'd be less judgemental of me.

I reckon people find things to be judgemental about if they're going to be judgemental. So it's not what you've done that's an issue - it's how you treat it. You've been treating your escorting as a big deal, but maybe it's not the problem - maybe the problem is your fear and shame about it. If you show that you're not ashamed, then your kids will see that it's nothing to be ashamed of.

---------- Post added at 17:44 ---------- Previous post was at 17:44 ----------

And good luck. I'll be looking out on here to see how you're doing

[Bill]

I have a lot of shame for what I have done.
It makes me feel sick to my stomach the thought of my daughter finding out and hating me/judging me for it.

I feel you need to rationalise your fears and put them into perspective because I feel you're worrying about an awful lot of what if's because of the shame you feel.

For instance, you say you did escorting about 10 years ago and your daughter is just a toddler at present which means by the time she's old enough to understand would I guess be at least another 10 years in the future which would be 20 years since your past that worries you.

The next thing is you feel ashamed and you're assuming that someone from your past will surface and then assuming that your daughter will find out, and then assuming that she will judge and hate you...because you feel ashamed about it. That's an awful lot of assumptions based on your fear.

Try rationalising those worries. By then it will have been a long time ago, someone would have to surface who would need to remember (out of 210,000 population which by then will be even greater and a lot would have moved on too), that your daughter would have to engage in conversation with this person but why would they want to talk about their past too, and finally you presume that your daughter will judge and hate her own mother because she won't understand and empathise with you.

Anxiety has the habit of making us jump to the worst case scenarios, often when the chance are a million or more to one, and every step along the way will connect along the way to make it happen.

What I would suggest is that you go ahead with your plans and try to put the past behind you. Tackle problems "if" they arise and don't presume they will otherwise you'll be constantly living in your past instead of finding happiness in the future which you deserve after all you've been through.

Finally, if someone judged me, I would say to them, that they were ignorant and not understanding because they have a closed mind. Who cares what these people think. You did what you felt was right for you at the time so you have nothing to be ashamed of and no one has the right to judge you for it when you've done nothing wrong. I think that "if" in the highly unlikely even your daughter found out, she would think the same as me as she will think the world of her loving caring mother and will want to stand up and support her against anyone who tried to put her mother down just with hearsay so try not to blow your fears out of proportion and try to enjoy the future that you're building for yourself. I'm quite sure the majority of people have done things that they feel not proud of but only they will feel like that about themselves.

[snowghost57]

I can say this in one sentence. Stop visiting the past, it has nothing new to say. I can relate to leaving your family, I tried and I just couldn't do it. I seriously doubt that your daughter is going to meet anyone from your past. Have you tired meditating, relaxation methods to calm your mind? The what ifs in your mind, I've experienced myself. The only thing you can do is focus on today, this moment, what is right in front of you. If you think to long, you will imagine something that is not there. I have made a few friends here, keep posting, it helps!