Good afternoon. I'm N.D. and I'm new to this site. I've been reading some of the posts here and have yet to get my main question addressed. My wife suffers from anxiety. We've been married almost 23 years and I only learned of this a few months ago. I attributed her "sometimey" attitude to different personality styles. When she told me I tried to understand it more so that I would be sure that nothing I did made things worse. That backfired. She yelled at me and pretty much told me that it wasn't about me. I told her that she couldn't have an anxiety attack because I'm trying to understand anxiety disorder. That was the last we spoke on the subject. However, during that same conversation, she told me that our two daughters also suffer from it. I went to the older of the two and she was a bit better at discussing her issues and with letting me know that she suffered profusely while at college. (she began to drop classes and stay in her dorm. when I called one weekend to see if she was out having fun she told me she rarely left her room. when she came home for a visit I asked her if she needed a break from school and she began to cry and said "Yes!" I asked why she was crying and she said because she didn't want to disappoint me. I tried to explain that this is HER life and nothing short of having crack babies while snorting powdered cocaine and drinking wine would disappoint me...and if the kids were cute she still might get away with it. I allowed her to take online classes to finish her education much to her mother's dismay.) However, this didn't help me understand how I should deal with my wife. I feel kind of trapped because I don't want to seem like I don't have compassion for what she's dealing with, but I don't have ANY idea which actions/reactions are related to anxiety and how to tell if they're not. I dare not ask again because she got incredibly defensive the last time. I truly am a nurturer and would do any and every thing known to man to make things better but without a clue I'm stuck at square one. Even with intimacy, sometimes it seems like she's just going through the motions out of obligation but when she doesn't feel that obligation she's brutally rude as if I was asking if I could rape her. Once I asked why I couldn't touch her (I like feeling her skin...not "touch" her in intimate places) and got no answer the first few times I asked. Finally when she saw that I wasn't taking her silence for an answer she blurted out "Because my stomach hurts!". I asked why she didn't just say that the first 3 times I asked her because if she had I would have left her completely alone. I wasn't after sex, just the feel of her incredibly smooth skin. She fell silent again. I've learned in retrospect that all of those times I thought she was being incredibly selfish or inconsiderate or having no concern for what might make ME happy, all came from a dark place inside her that made her feel incompetent. I'm trying to see things as she sees them and not jump to conclusions but again, I have no frame of reference to rely on. During our one and only conversation she told me that her sisters and her mother also suffer from it. That certainly answered a lot of questions as she and I are the only two who have remained married. I've tried to jump-start our relationship by doing more things together (not golfing as much) and not retreating when she seems disinterested. My issue with that is I'm a bit insecure so if I think I'm getting on your nerves or that you don't want to be bothered, you will have to endure my absence. Just as I'm new to this board, I'm new to dealing with/understanding anxiety so any advice you give will be accepted. If my words seem mean in some way they're not meant to be. I'm just trying not to let the frustration of not being able to help or not being able to fully understand overtake me. I've read where some people feel very lonely when dealing with a spouse/significant other who's suffering from anxiety and to that point I can tell you that I totally agree. Just in search of some clarity and some peace of mind. Thanks for listening.
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