Hi everyone
My name is Kelly and i'm 24. I currently suffer with anxiety and mild depression which I think has stemmed from loosing my Grandmother in Dec 2016.
I joined the forum as a way of support and a reminder that people can get better from Anxiety, Depression and OCD - I suffer from all three. I love reading people success stories - it motivates me and I feel so proud of the human race for beating mental issues
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I have always been an anxious person and I 100% believe every human has a bit of anxiety in them - it's natural. Mine started when I was about 14, in School. I would panic about using public bathrooms, about exams etc. This all got progressively worse all the way up to current day. I've had to take a year out of university to basically sort myself out. I honestly think it all went downhill when my Grandma passed in December of 2016.
My Grandma practically brought me up with my Mam - there was never a day in my life that I didn't see her. She also lived with me for half a year before her passing. Her room still smells of her even today. So at first, when she passed, I was in shock and couldn't process it. Fast forward to February - my first major panic attack. I was in York for Valentines Day when I drove home at 4am due to having a serious attack (I shouldn't have drove tbf) but I just wanted my Mam. The attack started by obsessing over my health (I was going through tests for my ovaries at the time). By then, I was sure I had OCD - the type where you fixate on something all day everyday.
Then they came in waves - I experienced several panic attacks over the course of 4 days. It was terrifying, I was so scared and I couldn't understand them. THEN, the thoughts started. The thoughts that I didn't want, that absolutely scared me to death.
The "Death" thoughts I called them. First it was about what life would be like when I'm not here - then along came the "what ifs" What if I died? What if my brain went so haywire that I committed suicide?! Well that was it - I was in an utter state of panic, all day, all night. I tried to talk to myself logically - I have never, EVER wanted to kill myself, let alone die. My life is great on the face of it so WHY am I having these thoughts? A bit of research led me to believe they were called "intrusive thoughts" that more than likely have stemmed from loosing my Grandma - she is the first person in my life who I've lost that I was so SO close with. I knew I wouldn't die or kill myself because the thought of it petrified me so that's some consolation.
And here we are trying to get my life on track. Trying to stop the thoughts. I know I am probably still grieving so I guess grief + anxiety = trouble but I'm trying to get help from everywhere and it's just taking forever. I've even switched Doctor's surgeries because my previous doctor just didn't care about what I had to say or anything.
I'm currently on a waiting list for telephone CBT with Talking Changes and I take mitazipan (no idea if that's spelt right lol) and a slow releasing propranolol for my anxiety - neither that I think are working :/
ANYWAY, that's all about me