Excessive responsibility and guilt anxiety

[leil]

(Sorry this is quite long but it's good to get it all out!)
Ive just been diagnosed with anxiety and am being referred for counselling in a couple of weeks time. I've been feeling symptoms of anxiety for a while, on and off for the past year but lately I can't seem to shake it.

I'm worried that this post could maybe cause anxiety in others who feel excessively responsible towards others wellbeing so please don't carry on reading if that's you!

My anxiety revolves around feeling excessively responsible towards other people (especially complete strangers!) I've always been the type of person to worry if I've upset someone or said something that's been taken the wrong way but now it's like my mind thinks up worst case scenarios if I make the slightest mistake. And then I feel excessively guilty and can't seem to shake it no matter how much deep down I know it's completely and totally irrational. This has extended to thinking about everyday minor mistakes or misjudgements made in the past and feeling excessively guilty about these too.

I think a lot of this comes down partly to a part time job I had when I was 16 onwards working in a hospital cafe. My supervisor would patronise me by explaining how important cleanliness was as 'dirt' could get into the food and a sick person could eat it and get really ill, so obviously this made me paranoid and worried about managing hygiene well enough.

So now I seem to latch onto things I read in the media and worry about them, one of the biggest fears I have (thanks to more scaremongering stories in the press) is causing someone to have a heart attack by startling them say by making an error when driving (even really minor errors), or even just beeping a horn, or appearing from round a corner when someone isn't expecting it etc. Writing this I can see how excessive this is but I can't shake the worry. I also drudge up memories from the past from when I've made people jump and worry myself sick that they could have had a heart attack and feel like it would all be my fault. 😒 I think my anxiety has latched onto this idea as there's no way to find out if this could be a possibility or not so the doubt element is right up there.

Thanks for reading if you made it this far, I'd be keen to hear from others with similar anxieties, or anyone who has got over it and has any advice. Many thanks

[Bill]

You've mentioned the word "guilt" a lot. You're worried that if anything happened to others, you would feel to blame because you feel responsible for others wellbeing when they come into contact with you.

You have to "let go". Being intense is part of anxiety. You're trying to keep everyone safe to stop yourself feeling anxious.

People are responsible for their own well being so it's impossible to control everything around you.

Try to learn to take a more relaxed approach towards life and allow yourself to let others worry about themselves so you can get on with enjoying your life.

Anxiety makes us want to follow a narrow path that makes us feel safe but it makes us rigid and inflexible so that when we're forced off it, we feel anxious. You're trying to stay on your safe path by avoiding every event that could cause you to feel anxious. Allow yourself the freedom to wander by doing what you want, when you want, regardless of any fears that surface and that way you'll build confidence which will combat your doubts and fears.

I think your therapist will touch on this and most probably a lot more to help you.

[leil]

Bill,

Thank you so much for taking the time to read my post and for your reply. What you have said makes perfect sense to me, you are so right about the rigid path that I'm always afraid of wandering off (in the form of making any minor mistakes at all which I'll then beat myself up over for ages). I know that most people would do what I deem as a mistake as an everyday occurrence and not give it a second thought but for me I'll convince myself I've done something really wrong and over analyse it.
I'm hoping maybe CBT, will help me deal with these thinking patterns and tendency to overthink and catastrophise everything. I definitely need to learn that I can't control everything and neither should I want to!

I just read your other post on here and it was inspiring to see how far you've come and it's good to know that you can get anxiety under control! Thanks again

[Bill]

Hello Leil,
You're most welcome. I'm glad to have been of some help.

When we're standing on the edge of a wood and we want to get to the other side, we can stand there worrying about all the things that could go wrong, we could avoid it by walking all the way around it or we can enter taking "reasonable" care as we negotiate all the obstacles that we "might" encounter. Once we arrive at the other side, we can either stand there thinking about all the what if's such as I did this or that wrong despite the fact we got through safely and there were no storms or we can continue on into the next wood without looking back.

In other words, never allow anxiety to hold you back because it's only through experience that we can gain confidence so that we can keep moving forward.

Try to do what you want to do and look for enjoyment in life...and try not to worry about others who can do the same for themselves.

[leil]

Thank you Bill, very wise words. It all makes perfect sense, my only problem with it is that I'll think 'just let it go, you can't control other people's health/wellbeing/happiness' but then thanks to the anxiety the doubt creeps in and I'm like but what if... it seems to have become a default mode where I'm constantly looking to blame myself for things, even if it's just some possibility that I've made up in my head through catastophising. I'm hoping therapy will help me change these thinking patterns.
I'm thankful that, unless it's really bad, the anxiety doesn't tend to stop me from living my life but I just wish I could do so without the worry, guilt and doubt that seems to cloud everything!
Thanks again!

[Bill]

I just wish I could do so without the worry, guilt and doubt that seems to cloud everything!

When you read posts on here, I think you'll notice quite a few on similar lines about wishing they could stop the worry. It's a bit like saying I wish I could stop eating chocolate but it's just too difficult to resist. I know this will sound easy but harsh, but in truth, if we wish to stop doing something and we want it badly enough then it's up to us to stop ourselves regardless of how it feels.

It's like in OCD. We feel compelled to keep going back on things over and over to relieve the anxious feelings. In a sense that's what you're doing with your thoughts because you keep feeling you have to keep going back over them in an attempt to reassure yourself nothing bad will happen to others so that your own anxious feelings will stop. However, just like someone with OCD, you have to teach yourself not to keep going back and instead allow yourself to feel those anxious feelings no matter how bad they make you feel.

When you can learn to do this, these thoughts will no longer cause you anxiety and then you'll stop worrying about them.

Anxiety is like a compulsive bad habit because of the anxious feelings it creates and it forms a cycle of Worry - Doubt - Anxious feelings - Worry...so the only way to break the bad habit is by breaking the cycle.

Hope that makes sense.

[leil]

It makes perfect sense thank you. And you're right, it is much easier said than done but I have kind of started to put that into practice by refusing to allow myself to 'ruminate' over things or try to over analyse every little detail of things. I realised that by doing that I was getting myself into a downward spiral where I was feeling worse and worse and reinforcing in my own mind that it must be something serious to worry about if I'm feeling this bad about it. So I'm feeling a lot better lately since stopping that but there's still a long way to go! I guess it was never going to be easy undoing thinking patterns that have probably been there for a long period of time!

Thank you so much for taking the time to respond again, I really appreciate it.

[Bill]

Practise makes perfect and I can see you're already practising well.

I know you're probably not into football but I often think of practise in this way.

A striker can be scoring goals every week for weeks on end until one day he hits a day when nothing goes right. The next time he plays he fears it will all happen again and so again he fails to score. As the weeks go by, no matter how hard he tries, every time he approaches the goal all he can think of are the chances he's had in previous games that he's missed.

He's lost all his confidence, is filled with doubt and forgotten how easy it used to be to score goals...until one day he scores a goal again.

His confidence builds and he forgets all the negative thoughts of "what if" I can't score any more goals.

It's not just learning the right way to think but also building belief in those new thoughts so you feel more confident from day to day.

It can take weeks for a goal scorer to overcome his fear of missing opportunities just as it can be for an anxiety sufferer to learn to cope with doubts but eventually with practise, the task becomes easier.

Try to always remember to focus on positive thoughts and positive ways and with practise they'll become a new habit.

I can't promise to always see your posts but I'm more than willing to offer any advice I can along your journey if you feel in need of a boost.

I would just love one day to read your post saying you're happy, you're coping ok and that you're getting on with your life because that will make me feel happy too.

I have a hunch you're a quick learner with the right attitude too so I don't think it'll be too long before you're off and running because you've already made a good start.

[leil]

Haha I'm not into football but I know exactly what you mean.

Thank you for your vote of confidence, I'm definitely hoping that happens. I've been feeling more positive lately that I can shake free of it than I felt previously. It would be nice to be free of these thinking patterns and anxiety, and also how to deal with it in future when it tries to creep in again! I don't think for one minute it'll be easy but small steps... it'll be worth the effort!

[Bill]

I don't think for one minute it'll be easy but small steps

You're right, it most probably won't be easy but it can be done in small steps. When you take each step, don't look back or dwell on any step you slip on. Just dust yourself off and keep moving forward. We all get bad days so don't allow them to hold you back by giving them any more attention than that they were just an off day.

Next time I'll try and think up a better comparison than with football.

You have more than just a vote of confidence from me. I just Know you'll get there. I just have this feeling about you and I'd love to read more to see how you progress along your journey.