Hi , first of all I'll give a trigger warning although I still read on even when I see that like a moth to the flame .
My anxiety seems to have made way for depression to rear its ugly head , my home life has been a constant source of stress for several years the main things being my daughter nearly dying from an overdose , my dog dying , my partners ill health and also being hospitalised from an overdose , I've now got into this mindset that if I go to work ( I work for myself ) or leave town somthing bad will happen which it regularly does , I tried cbt last year but that was when my partner took the overdose which just confirmed bad things happen when I'm out , I have no control over my life and each time I get a knock back it chips a little bit more of my hope away , my partner currently has pneumonia which she has several times a year things can go bad so quickly and she ends up in hospital, I feel selfish wanting to be out working and she doesn't want me hanging around watching over her like an undertaker, the situation is hopeless she can't help being ill and I can't stop worrying,
I've started to lose interest in any plans of getting better myself I keep picking up the leaflet for mental health referral but it seems pointless , the worst part right now is getting intrusive thoughts of suicide they pop in my head throughout the day and it scares the crap out of me if I use sharp knife I get visions of cutting my throat , when I'm driving on the motorway like today I get the urge to swerve into somthing and I keep closing my eyes while driving fast to see how long I dare keep them shut , the list is endless on places I see ways out , when things are going ok I see the beauty in things but it turns dark with my mood .
Sorry to offload this on here but I have no one I feel I could talk to about it so I'm keeping it all inside like a pressure cooker soon somthing has to give .
I'll make it clear I don't want to die I just want a break from the constant pressure and worries .
No real need to reply , take care all .