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Thread: Feeling hopeless

  1. #1
    Join Date
    Feb 2016
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    1,676

    Feeling hopeless

    Hi , first of all I'll give a trigger warning although I still read on even when I see that like a moth to the flame .
    My anxiety seems to have made way for depression to rear its ugly head , my home life has been a constant source of stress for several years the main things being my daughter nearly dying from an overdose , my dog dying , my partners ill health and also being hospitalised from an overdose , I've now got into this mindset that if I go to work ( I work for myself ) or leave town somthing bad will happen which it regularly does , I tried cbt last year but that was when my partner took the overdose which just confirmed bad things happen when I'm out , I have no control over my life and each time I get a knock back it chips a little bit more of my hope away , my partner currently has pneumonia which she has several times a year things can go bad so quickly and she ends up in hospital, I feel selfish wanting to be out working and she doesn't want me hanging around watching over her like an undertaker, the situation is hopeless she can't help being ill and I can't stop worrying,
    I've started to lose interest in any plans of getting better myself I keep picking up the leaflet for mental health referral but it seems pointless , the worst part right now is getting intrusive thoughts of suicide they pop in my head throughout the day and it scares the crap out of me if I use sharp knife I get visions of cutting my throat , when I'm driving on the motorway like today I get the urge to swerve into somthing and I keep closing my eyes while driving fast to see how long I dare keep them shut , the list is endless on places I see ways out , when things are going ok I see the beauty in things but it turns dark with my mood .
    Sorry to offload this on here but I have no one I feel I could talk to about it so I'm keeping it all inside like a pressure cooker soon somthing has to give .
    I'll make it clear I don't want to die I just want a break from the constant pressure and worries .
    No real need to reply , take care all .

  2. #2
    Join Date
    Mar 2014
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    23,619

    Re: Feeling hopeless

    Hi Buster,

    Sorry to hear things are getting hard for you again.

    Can't they do something for your partner? I can't remember if you mentioned this before but her bouts of pneumonia would be upsetting for anyone and they should be finding the cause & stopping it, surely?!!! Some meds can cause pneumonia, one caused my mum's most likely, but it seems unacceptable for this to keep happening to her (and you). It's no wonder you are on alert so often.

    Is there any way to assist the situation? Like with a panic button or something similiar? Just something that you take action from yet not feel you should be hanging around just in case? Some practical to meet things a bit half way, if you see what I mean?

    Do you think having outside activities helps you? I know you enjoyed your dog and you have a new one, don't you as well as your partners? Would getting out, if you leave your partner, with others help? Like mental health groups, walking groups, etc? Something with dog owners even?

    It just seems you need a release and to be taken out of the situation. If something could ease the need to be hanging around it may help to feel less alone? You've obviously got us lot on top though.

    Are there interests at home you can get stuck into? Things to take you mind away from all the stress and how trapped you feel? Feeling trapped is a pretty horrible experience in mental health disorders, it's something I've found hard to escape from (and still do) and the low moods could be crippling.

    I'm sure you know how intrusive thoughts work and why they don't lead to actions so I won't go into that but ask if you need any info. I had the knife ones, I had jumping off bridges, at my low moods it was walking off the pavements into oncoming traffic (my walks take me along busy A roads) and more. These will pass. Keep doing what you are doing, don't let them drive you to avoid objects & situations they focus on because that's just anxiety trying to reinforce the false beliefs they are trying to build.

    Without a doubt - please address the driving compulsion issue. It's just an urge, something saying "go on, see what happens". I had them too but mine were about the bridges mostly, and sometimes cutting myself with knives when in the kitchen. I can remember the bridges ones as a strange sort of curiosity "go on, give it a try". It's just another part of intrusive thoughts though but urges can feel more physically real, or they did to me.

    What matters is what you believe and your deeper identity based morals. You are a loving father, partner and dog lover - you wouldn't want to upset them for anything (isn't that why you talk to us? Not wanting to burden them, as you perceive it?).
    __________________
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    For free Mindfulness resources, please see this thread I have created to compile many sources together http://www.nomorepanic.co.uk/showthread.php?t=168689

  3. #3
    Join Date
    Jul 2016
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    509

    Re: Feeling hopeless

    Oh Buster,you are a fighter and a wonderful husband and father,you have helped me in my darkest times and put a smile on my face,you Will get through this darkness and come out shining,close the door when that bloody black dog keeps knocking I know it sucks right now,believe me I know there were days when I thought life was not worth living,but with help from loved ones and quacks I am getting there,plus my kids need me as yours do too.Take your beloved dog for a walk and see the beauty of Mother Nature.Xxxxxxx.

  4. #4
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    May 2014
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    6,615

    Re: Feeling hopeless

    Sorry, I am not much support to you lately.
    I've been hit with depression too and I have no kids to keep me going. :(
    I can only say that any ray of sunshine is a ray of hope.
    I would advise against closing your eyes while driving.
    It could end up in even a bigger mess for you and others.
    Maybe seeing a Therapist will help this time?
    You need someone to offload to that can look at your life from outside/in.
    x

  5. #5
    Join Date
    Sep 2010
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    3,130

    Re: Feeling hopeless

    Hi Buster, I don't think I can say anything any different than what as been said.
    I only hope that you will think about what as been said though.
    We all striving for you to get help for yourself.
    __________________
    Magic

  6. #6
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    Feb 2016
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    Re: Feeling hopeless

    Hi , thanks you guys for the replies , thought posting in this section wouldn't get noticed maybe should have used success stories to hide .
    Terry you seem to match most of my past and present symptoms , at the time you think nobody else could possibly have these thoughts but so many do and we have to hide it or people would run a mile , I've had the bridge thoughts , on a good day I would look out off a bridge and see the wonderful view but on a dark day I look straight down and imagine hitting the bottom , I have to walk away , I also get the stepping out in traffic had that one last week had to pull up in a lay by on a busy dual carriage way when I went to get back in I had an urge to step out and snap vision of me being hit , it's very unsettlingly and I worry I will act upon it even though I don't want to ,
    Lack of sleep always makes me much worse and I haven't been going to bed much lately.
    Flip flop I feel ashamed that I can't cope with my circumstances when you scrape by having been through so much you know I just wish the best for you .
    Carnation, magic , thanks for your replies it means a lot to me and does give me hope I know you have your demons too .
    My camper broke today so been stressing over it the garage want to much to fix it but my confidence in doing it myself has gone , before I used take engines out on my own and have them back in the same day and sleep like a log knackered , got the parts and going to bed tonight , tomorrow I'll have a go at it and I mess it up I'll chuck a hammer at it and take it to the garage , there is still a glimmer of hope so I'll just hang on to that for now.
    Take care all .

  7. #7
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    May 2014
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    Re: Feeling hopeless

    You can fix her Buster. x

  8. #8
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    Re: Feeling hopeless

    Yeah, it's the subconscious looking for what shocks you the most. In a parent , committed family man, self harm or harming others would seem very likely intrusive thoughts. I read a lot of intrusive thoughts threads on here and it's so commonly the case in those with strong moral values about something that their intrusive thoughts attempt to frighten them through targeting them.

    When you are on that bridge, take control of the conscious thoughts and think how daft it is, neutralise them or remind yourself you don't agree with these thoughts due to positive reasons. It will feed off negatives, including avoidance and escape.

    You've experienced more than most of is ever will when it comes to the impact of a suicide attempt. I think that tends to put people more firmly against it quite naturally and generates even more compassion to those feeling that way. I don't in a million years see you bringing that on your daughter or your partner, I expect it goes strongly against your beliefs, likely because of your daughter's episode, and that's why your intrusive thoughts are about it. You know how that hurt you, that's why you know why you can't.

    Plenty have had intrusive thoughts on here, you're not alone. And you're a popular bloke too so you're stuck with us!

    I hope you fix your motor.
    __________________
    ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
    For free Mindfulness resources, please see this thread I have created to compile many sources together http://www.nomorepanic.co.uk/showthread.php?t=168689

  9. #9
    Join Date
    Apr 2013
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    2,359

    Re: Feeling hopeless

    Just wanted you to know I'm thinking of you Buster. We might all have very different circumstances, but we all know how it feels to be in that hideous black hole. Hope you find a way out soon and the same to anybody else feeling like hell. It's crazy how it's the most lonely feeling in the world, yet coming on here just shows we aren't alone at all.

  10. #10
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    Feb 2016
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    Re: Feeling hopeless

    Hi , so had worse days got up walked the dogs with a woman who said she has no freinds it really is a lonely planet , decided to crack on and have a go at the van id already over thunk it before I got up and you tubed it so I knew what I was doing just had to convince my brain I could do it , got on with it even though I was breathing like a man in front of a firing line about to be shot , an hour and a half later crawled out from under it new water pump fitted , sun shining job done and 200 better off for doing it myself , had a bit of a wobble when I went to check my phone but no calls or texts .
    Partner is still very ill but today I didn't get any thoughts of throwing myself under a steam roller, still breathing weird but I'm like that most days , hands won't come clean for a week but I always said if I get buried with clean hands somthing has gone seriously wrong .
    Really appreciate the support on a dark day I hope I can return the favour at some point , as for being popular on here I'm wrong on so many levels maybe it's my boyish good looks ( selfie included ) take care you guys .
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