Struggling with Grief and Anxiety

[Carnation]

After losing my mum 2 months ago, I have been struggling with my anxiety, especially health anxiety and coping with bereavement.

I seem to be worse now then when my mum passed away.
I am trying to get on with my life, but I seem to be carrying so much pain, guilt and worry. It is affecting my anxiety and I just feel scared about everything! It also has dug up my grief about my dad, who I lost 3 years ago and the anniversary of his death was last weekend.

I don't have much contact with the outside world, but I do force myself to go in to Town and manage to chat to a few people, but I don't have anyone to talk to about the way I feel. I do have a partner, but he just doesn't get how I feel or how difficult I am finding coping with day to day life. If truth be known, I am now worrying about him as well.

I seem to be worrying about EVERYTHING! And I have to point out that I am a trier and fighter and not one to give up, but I have this feeling of dread and a big black cloud hanging over me.
I miss my mum terribly and feel I let her down.
I know time is a healer and all that, but when anxiety comes in to play as well, it just makes it so much harder.

I don't expect anyone to wave a magic wand and it is probably something I have to overcome myself, but maybe there is someone out there that has been through this and could show some light to me.

I have become so weepy and frightened lately and find myself angry with a lot of things in life and I want to start building a new life for myself, but feel helpless as to what to do. My paranoia has become more apparent and I worry I am heading for a downward spiral.

Apologies for the long post, but if nothing else, it helps me to get all of this out of my system.

[KeeKee]

I'm sorry I have few words as usual Carnation, I've never experienced grief luckily. However I didn't want to read and run as you've responded to me many times before in my hour of need.

Could you possibly be feeling depressed as well as anxious? I ask as you state you feel you let your mother down, which makes me feel you are experiencing guilt, which can be a sign of depression and is one of my personal biggest factors when I'm feeling particularly low. However I know guilt is also one of the stages of grief. I highly doubt you've ever let your mother down, you were there for her no matter what and I've no doubt she knew that.

It's really hard not having people to talk to in the 'real world' and it's a shame your partner just doesn't understand it as we're often most closest to our other halves. I'm sure somebody else will be along soon with better advice.

[Carnation]

I am sure you are right KeeKee. Depression could be the factor here.
My duties are over with my mum and I am surely at a loss in more ways than one.
I always seem better when I have another person in play to look after and rarely look after myself, which I find the most difficult task of all.

The first two weeks of mum passing was taken up hugely with funeral tasks and there were many people phoning. But now that has all passed and everyone is getting on with their own lives again. It is an empty feeling I have now.

It's so nice of you to reply anyway and I appreciate it. x

[Fishmanpa]

I understand. Grief affects everyone differently but it does affect us. For me, losing my mother and for all intents and purposes, losing the wife I knew, it's been more of just survival mode interspersed with sadness and a hell of a lot of frustration. I don't worry too much but it's certainly stressful dealing with the everyday aspects of life, financial issues and the like on top of being a caregiver.

I spoke to my sister the other day and came to the realization that I haven't really mourned my mother's death yet. Sooner or later that will come to be and pass. For now though... it's one foot in front of the other and work my butt off to maintain a positive attitude

As far as the light at the end of the tunnel? It's always there Carnation. You just have to look around a little more sometimes. Once you see it, it's persistence and effort but you will come through the other side And as I've been advised, look after yourself. Take a few moments occasionally to just chill. I took that advice the last few weeks and it's helped tremendously (I went fishing and we had a fresh trout dinner to boot!)

Positive thoughts

[t0rt01se36]

Hello Carnation.

I agree that guilt is all part of the grieving process and can relate to feeling lost once i'd phoned and emailed people, regarding my Dad's death this year.

I also feel like I've let my Family down.

Feels awful knowing that people's lives are carrying on as normal and even though people care about my welfare, I don't get to see many people.

I'm here if you want to chat through PM, Carnation.

Sending you hugs and positive thoughts.

[Carnation]

Your words are oh so true FMP and I give the same advice that I am asking for now. I think there is an overwhelming feeling of being alone or being deserted in my case. I think about regrets, that maybe normal, but I do know that I have always done my up most to do the right thing and try my hardest under any circumstances.
I don't think I have been getting that 'Me' time, which is something I have to pay more attention to. So easy to give advice and not take it yourself, eh?
Funny, we nearly had trout last night for dinner too.

---------- Post added at 15:20 ---------- Previous post was at 15:04 ----------

Thank you t0rt01se36.

When I am out a bout, I don't like to harp on about losing my mum or how I am feeling and keep my grief to myself and mostly in private. Except for the Forum of course.
I do struggle with the thoughts that I let my mum down and try to think logically about it being her time to go, but my brain tries to tell me something different.
I'm a very sensitive and emotional person anyway, but I try not to torture myself and watch a lot of comedy on TV and do nice things if I can, but it's a struggle not to waver in to those thoughts of guilt and regrets.
I can't keep busy constantly to keep my mind off these thoughts as it would be exhausting, but sitting and relaxing triggers depression.

Thank you for your offer of PM. x

[snowghost57]

I can totally understand your pain and grief

I lost my mother unexpectedly when I was 26, she was 46. The last time I saw her was on my birthday. She was a heavy smoker and the doctor told her "Quit smoking and you will live a few more years or keep smoking and you will not see Spring." My father was rationing her cigarettes. This was in the 80's, I knew we had a family of depression, sadly back then we did not have the medication and therapists that we have today. I went over to my parents to see them and my daughter told me "grandma" was stealing cigarettes out of my purse. I was upset with her and when I kissed her good bye I was angry. Three days later my dad called me up to tell me she was gone. My birthday is on December 15, she died December 18 and we buried her on the 21st, 4 days before Christmas, I even had presents for her. The last time I saw her alive I was angry?

Trust me when I say I understand your guilt. I was consumed with it. I learned to focus on the happy times we had together. I spent a lot of time with family and friends that understood. I met other people that had lost their mother. Have you tried seeking help with a grief counselor? It really helps to get your feelings off you chest. Mother's Day is celebrated in my country on the second Sunday of May. Everyday holiday I think of her and grieve. Christmas is still a difficult holiday for me. I never knew that 25 years later, that my brother would die of a heart attack on December 22, 2015. What is with my family wanting to die near Christmas? Trust me, time WILL heal your pain, you will always carry your mother in your heart. If you like to chat in PM feel free to contact me. It is difficult to cope with the pain, but you WILL get through this. Try to find a hobby, reach out to friends, post on here, do anything that will help you stay busy and don't focus on the sadness. Death is a part of life. It is difficult but you will get through it.

[Carnation]

SnowGhost, I can't even begin to know how you must have felt at such a young age and the story you told me was so sad.
Mother's Day was very difficult for me this year as I had planned quite a special day for her, which she obviously never made. And, I hate to think how Christmas is going to be this year. It was bad enough my mum being in a home last year.
I think a grief counsellor is a good idea. I still carry guilt with my dad as I had my breakdown a month before he died and I often think that If I had not had my breakdown, he would still be alive today. I felt that I had deserted him, but I was in such a bad way, I was hardly living myself.
In a way, I don't really understand why I feel worse now than 2 months ago when she died. I cried a whole load of tears solidly for 2 weeks. I'm not crying all the time, but I feel very, very sad and bad about everything.
I'm doing a lot to occupy myself. I do a vast amount of gardening, cookery, walking and getting out everyday. And I am still part caring for my partner's mum, who is disabled with dementia. (I must admit, that is not helping me, because I want MY mum to be alive, plus I am still tied to caring).
I don't like to bother people I know with the way I feel and half of me thinks that I am just boring them with my troubles.
Thank you for the offer of PM anyway. x

[KeeKee]

Carnation I know it isn't anywhere near the same thing, but it took me around 2 months to cry over my relationship breakdown, I honestly believe I was so shocked and numb that I couldn't feel the pain it caused. I think a grief counsellor is a great idea for you.

[Carnation]

Thank you KeeKee x