hi everyone,

just to say i havent been logged on here in 5 years! i have a history of health anxiety and panic attack - my anxiety has decreased dramatically in this time, if you look through my old threads you will see i posted about all sorts of illnesses i believed i had.

i was diagnosed with cealiac disease 5 years ago and since ive cut out gluten my anxiety has inproved imo, thats not to say it will help for everyone though!

anyway the main point of this thread was to discuss my mood. basically ive had some pretty bad bouts of depression in the last 2-3 years (as a result of anxiety and panic i assume) however, nowadays when i feel low it will hit me hard and fast and sometimes only last a few days, sometimes weeks. i do have these feelings that i want to just be dead in that moment, but i dont want to commit the act itself. i cant tell if i am just hormonal and over emotional or i have some real issue with depression? i have no confidence and very low self esteem, i dont like myself at all and if i have upset or angered someone i take full responsibility and punish myself. i dont have a great deal of friends and i put that down to my personality. my bf jokes around and says im moody and that i should smile more, i feel im a burden on everyone and i just feel life requires alot of effort.

im at uni so i try and focus on getting through it and getting a good job but then i think whats the point as i will never make enough to pay off my debts. im adamant i dont want children or get married - i just wish there was an easier way out then just having to get through every day because you have to, because its just life etc. i cant mope about and hide in my room because my housemates will think im being a dramatic and silly (maybe i am) however i dont want attention from anyone i just want to be in my own spacewithout any hassle

sorry for the long post, i got carried away typing. i dont speak to anyone about this