smudgie needs a hug Updated 05/08

[smudgie]

Hi all
Im feeling pretty upset and so afraid.
For those that know may situation you will know what I'm talking about.
My daughter has told me tonight that she hates me and that she we never forgive me for the overdose in December.
She said she cannot forgive and wont.
I beleive she is being selfish and not wanting to understand what lead me to the suicide, she says she has her own problems and I'm one of them because of the overdose.

She also was abused and wont except that I feel the same feelings and pain from being abused myself when I was a child. She is saying that thats in the past and it her turn now and I'm trying to say I know how you feel, thats not true, Ive never said that.

I have and always will love my daughter uncondional but she thinks she the only one with a problem.

I have a team of 6 people caring for me, cpn doctors etc and taking so many pills to stop my personality disorder that could kill me if i stopped because of bad feelings but she wont except that Im as ill as her and its all about her.
What she dosnt realise is and her dad has had to speak to her tonight that my condition as serious.
I self harm every day at present which is causing problems for us all, I even have the cloud over my head that i may have to go back to the unit again.
She said tonight she dosnt care about how Im feeling , its about her so why talk about my problems all the time. She said she is fed up hearing my hubby and me talking about it all the time.

Im breaking my heart and have just selfharmed in a big way and feel angry at myself that I have done it.
The guilt that I feel anyway is bad enough without her rubbing it in. She's 21 next week, and is taking over our lives, she has moved back in with us because of money but treats it like her own and will not respect my OCD which is through the roof.
Sorry its so long I needed to get it off my chest.
love
ness

[yorkylover]

Im so sorry your feeling so low.Your daughter doesnt hate you,she is probably just finding things really hard at the moment.
She should respect the fact you have let her move back home.I can understand in some ways as we have had alot of problems with my brother.She is hurting as well,she nearly lost you and it is scareing her and she probably doesnt know any other way of coping with it all.

[smudgie]

Hi Ellen
Thank you for replying.
I know what you are saying, i keep saying it to myself, she is hurting to but Im not strong enough to be someones punch bag all the time and i cant do the healing stuff Im surposed to do daily because she is constantly having a go.

I would never do it but I feel like telling her to go.
I am supporting her with everything , paying £200 per month storage for her home contents and paying for hwer here and she will not do anything to help us.
my hubby has tried to tralk to her but im getting the blame for everything and its causing my situation to get worse. instead of two panic attacks aday that i got down to im now back to 4/6 per day.
IM GOING DOWN AGAIN AND I CANT STOIP IT

[yorkylover]

I can fully understand,my parents had the same problem with my brother,in the end he had to be told to move out.We had counsellers involved and allsorts.Being that your a mum it is hard,my mum is the same.She would never tell my brother to leave.He was making her so ill.You need to think of yourself as well,if she cant appreciate your help and support and she making you worse,then she needs to move out.Does she not work?Stay strong Ness.

[groovygranny]

Smudgie, take heart.....

...you love unconditionally......that will be enough for the both of you until your daughter finds her own peace in this....what a lucky girl she is to have a mum like you

[darkangel]

Like GG says, all we can do as mothers is love our children unconditionally and try to do our best, no matter what.

My daughter still blames me for destroying her life some days, but Ive had to learn to let it go, yes she is hurting badly inside too, and all I can do is listen and in time peace returns. I cant change whats happened and I live with reminders everyday (Im a former self-harmer) but Im still her mum and Im doing the best I can.

We are special people Ness and life maybe hasnt dealt us a very good hand but we didnt ask to be ill and we live each day to the best of our ability. Take time out for yourself, you deserve it.

Luv and hugs darkangel xx

[smudgie]

Thank you all for your words of incouragement and support.
We have tried to sit today and sort out a few things, but she is so angry, I except that and dont take it the wrong way. I just cant cope with it beiing rubbed into my face day in day out, Im not well with all docs and hubby trying to get me on the straight and narrow and they are concerned about the amount of selfharm Im doing, I kmow its guilt but I cant tell her that as she says thats blackmail.

I need a break, Im going down and what will happen to me is back in the unit when I feel its not my fault. She dosnt realise what she is doing to me.

THANK YOU ALL
Take care
Nessx

[Ellen70]

Hi Ness, your situation is awful because both you and your daughter are hurting a lot. I am sure your overdose scared the living daylights out of her and she is putting up a wall between you and her to protect her should it happen again.

Is there any possibility that either your or your daugher could live elsewhere for a month or so to allow the dust to settle on this whole thing. Ness your really sound like you need taking care of. Could you talk to your gp/psychiatrist about getting some respite care for yoursefl for a little while?
big hugs to you and your family ((((smudgie)))

Love Eibhlin x

[manmoor]

Sending you lots of big hugs Smudgie hun xxx

[smudgie]

Thank you for your support, Ive asked my daughter to saty at a friends for a while but she see's it as rejection so I cant win.
Me , I fighting to stay out of the unit, its not a helpful place and will make me worse which will then set off bad feelings.The way they deal with that is to slap a 6 months section on you which you dont deserve. Ive tried going away for a few days but when we return she is worse because she has had the place to herself and thinnks its hers which then she has a go at me about.

I thought things Ive been through in my life were bad enough but im stuck in a washing machine at the moment and dont know where to turn.
My hubby and I are so close and Im very lucky but its causing problems with us now because of her.
Its a no win situation here.
She is also a daddies girl so i think she is also jealous of the amount of time people and him are giving me at the mo. I even have a nurse at night to come in to give hubby a sleep incase i do anything in the night, its called the hometeam, last step before re addmitance.
Thank you
nessx