Your probably wondering why I'm writing on here when perhaps this could be considered a "success story" but I don't feel it is a success and more a lesson that's ongoing.
Just before Christmas I started getting panic attacks that were awful. Like most of you I would panic get all of the feelings, think I'm having a heart attack and each time I'd call an ambulance, I honestly never knew what it was and I didn't believe anyone saying it was stress.

Anyway I came on here and a few people were very helpful UNTIL my questions obviously became boring to read as they were the same thing over and over again. In the end I ended up at Icope for help, I was anxious, scared, panicked all the time and little did I know, I had severe OCD. Not compulsions lke cleaning MUCH buttt the thoughts kind. The intrusive thoughts that plague you every moment of everyday and tel you your going mad and make u feel lke you should die.. I would sit and think about killing my family and maybe I should just kill myself! Why not? I lost my job, I didn't go out because I was scared I'd die somewhere and not see my partner again! EVERYTHING was scary and I developed severe anxiety mostly surrounding my health. You name it, I thought I had it! I had days where my brain told me not to leave the house, to hold onto my partner every night in bed incase I don't wake up in the morning and I obsessed over telling ppl I loved them just incase. It got to a point where I didn't want to go out incase I died and no one found my body ...

At this point I was rock bottom, I thought that was is and I was positive I was going mad with the urges you get from OCD, I was sure I'd lost control kill someone else or myself without meaning to .. maybe I have schitziphrenia ?!? I must do? I'm hearing things, I'm seeing things ... I'm scared of every move I make every single day .. it got to a point where I'd message my therapist and say I've seen something am I mad?! I keep thinking I should die? Am I losing it ..I was down and out ..

One day I went to leave the house and my brain said noooo you'll die out there alone .. and I just thought "I can't do this anymore"
NOTHING will hurt you outside l, just by putting one foot out of that door, you will not die! By putting that second foot out you will feel a sense of accomplishment ... if your scared you'll have a heart attack RUN and I mean RUN!! Push yourself because when you realise nothing happens ... it all starts clicking into place..

I was in the worst place of my life four months ago and I was positive I'd go mad and end up alone in a mental health unit or dead ..
ok I know I'm going to die but who is to say right now?? I don't know when it will be so what is the point in checking every pain or lump or feeling ..
there is none!
I started taking these long walks ALONE and I would have trouble breathing the whole way but after I'd think WOW I survived that .. look I'm alive!
I started reading more about people with mental health issues and realised I'm not going mad YET!

I realised that every MRI and ECG would only make me feel better for a short time then there would be something else. It is a vicious cycle that you need to try and break by not reassuring yourself. Don't run to the Gp every time you feel bad or google how u feel or make someone tell you it's going to be okay you need to do it yourself. Rest, sleep when you need to, be kind to your body eat well and make yourself go out alone I got to a point where I used to tell myself "it's better I'm outside because if something happens to me here someone will find me, at home I'd be alone"

You can get to a point where you have thoughts like I did and still do which tell you to do awful things lke kill someone .. and you can laugh and say OKAY and let it go..

I wrote alla this because .. it's not about getting rid of your mental health problems it's about living with them. I know I will never get rid of my OCD and anxiety but I've managed to go from severe OCD/anxiety without medication that they kept trying to make me take .. to still having some anxiety and OCD but being able to cope, I've got a new job, I get excited about going to work.
Today I was breathless and felt strange and uncomfortable/anxious but I realised it was because my partner was gong back to work tomorrow ... EVERY feeling is caused by a reaction or thought/feeling ...

I will never be rid of this but I'm learning and I can see some joy in life for the first time in a while!
I'm sending a million big hugs and all my love for all those suffering tonight and always, your not alone, don't be scared of your thoughts! They can be brutal but your strong and you can do it!
I will give my support as much as it's needed! No matter how many times you ask the same question, I will answer .. I know how important it is at first to get reassurance!

Love you all xxx