16/07/2017 and 17/07/2017
So I guess you can call the last two days better. I had to do something, anything about the way I felt on Saturday; and so I did.
So I summoned up the courage to takl to my mum yesterday morning. I told her the night before to please talk to me in the morning, and so she made a point of doing so before anything else. I asked her the question, 'why do you react the way you do when I tell you I don't BELIEVE I'm real?' And in so many words she told me it's because she didn't believe I believed that and that I don't outwardly appear like I believe that. I half had to put the words in her mouth, but the answer was somewhat satisfactory to me. It didn't feel like a massive relief to me like I thought it would, I think partly for that reason. But it was enough for me to at least get on with doing something and put some positive ideas in my head.
She went out at lunch. I watched the grand prix and made sure to tell Issi that I was coming to hers to see her. So at 4pm, I packed up a bag and just went for it. I got on the train, took the bus and met her. I was chatty and thought about things as little as I possibly could. We had a nice evening, and it did help with things a bit. I was very twitchy on the way home. My stomach was going like crazy, I just had such an urge to puff it out in several different places. It was very uncomfortable.
Today I have been thinking slightly more positively. I did the same old getting up late routine and didn't go out until Ma got home. We walked to the shops and I was chatting to her quite confidently, again trying not to think too much. On the way back we were talking about some old memories from my childhood, and that did help me to reconnect some puzzle pieces slightly. The rest of the day has been pretty uneventful.
So yet again that cycle continues. It's amazing what a different person I am when I'm having a really bad time, to the one I am when I can actually see some positives. It is like there are two different people. Who knows what personality I will have tomorrow, and then the day after that. Well as always, here's hoping.