Another Night Of Upsetting A Nurse With Questions..

[looking4answers]

I hate feeling this way ..I had a rather good day today .got out and pushed myself to do things I dont normally do yet i felt missed beats all day long.

I have a friend or was my friend that is a nurse that I have yet another night worried all night with persistant questions about health.She says that there is nothing I can do about dying..She says that I dont have the symptoms of heart disease nor any other major failure or disease..

I have told her about my brother dying early ..then i mentioned that he was diabetic and that he may have had sirosis of the liver.Then she came back and said yes its not unusal to die of that combination..early.

I think questioned her about skipped beats and told her that I have rashes of them on certain days like today and she said that If I have them I should go to an ER or gp and let them listen to see if there is anything wrong..

Then she said that i couldnt have major problems because I dont have the symptoms of the problems and that I function too well to have issues..Then she said stop worrying and get on with your life .. I don't understand most of what I have experienced in my life .. doctors have never mentioned other than being anxious.

I was hospitalized one time and had several hundred of what I thought was skipped beats while on a holter the doctor checked and never found one.. That freaked me out.They did test after test after test bran scans with dye and also showing me my heart on a thing like you see a baby on..The cardiologist was sure that there was nothing wrong and i had a strong heartbeat.

Yet I was treated for what they said was tachocardia which later I think that they were treating me for anxiety all these years..They treated me with a mild beta blocker and anti anxiety but told me it was for tachocardia..

I have dealt with missed beats all my life since I was a child..I have had people tell me I hear your heartbeat in your chest or I see your chest moving when your heartbeats,


I even had my regular doctor years ago tell me that my sugar levels were up and then that i was diabetic but that my father being hypoglacemic and my mother diabetic that i would probably be able to control it with a diet..

Over the years since I lost weight and eat better I have had blood test and never anything found that would indicate being diabetic again ..but i discussed this all with her tonight and guess it was more than she could take..

So well she broke off line quickly and told me she had to get up early leaving me with the feeling its all just anxiety ..How could a body be so cruel to you all your life worrying you about things you shouldnt worry about .. making you scared when you shouldnt be scared .

Never knowing why you feel the way you do if its normal or not ,and then why it happens sometimes and why not others.. Its just not fair..For a few years I didnt care I wasnt anxious because frankly I had a dont care i want to die attitude..I dont want to be that person again.I want to love life again and not worry ..

I try hard everyday but im like a lot of you I make people mad with constant questions I fight the battle everyday to just do things that I used to do with ease.Do you just have to go to an attitude of i dont care whether i live or die to feel better about living? Or is that really living..It was great for awhile.. I challenged death but had a death wish I dont want to be that way again..

I just want to free myself of this misery of anxiety and worry ..I hate it with all my heart I want to be free of it.. and free of asking questions ,questions ,questions to most people that dont know the answers..Im not talking about here im talking about medical people that dont know everything but we look to them for support and to tell us we are ok when in fact they dont have a clue..

Everybody raves about not drinking or smoking.The medical community tells us not to drink,not to smoke not to indulge in anything .Could this be correct.My grandfather died at 93 and used to sit on the porch in the evenings laughing at three doctors that told him if he didnt quit drinking and smoking he was going to die...He outlived them and I have outlived two of mine ,im not 93 but 52 ..so what is a person to do.. Just live to you die and dont worry

Or worry everyday and not do anything that you enjoy ..Whats the answer here I want to know what to do ..How to keep from making friends mad and relatives angry asking the same redundant questions am I dying or whats happening with me.Like the doctors know or even your family knows.. nobody knows.. My wife was terminal ill about 14 years ago.They did an operation and told her that you are going to die..go home and get your things in order..

Well she went back two weeks later and the said oops.. we dont know what happened you dont have the disease anymore..What kind of medical personel says you are dying and then you dont..Same with my daughter about 12 years ago..pronouced dying and nothing they could do ..got better went into remission and is healthy ..This all sounds like im complaining but im not.

It just worries me so much .. for them to say your dying and you dont..what is to be of the people that they say you are healthy and have no symptoms..is it the opposite..i mean..when they think you are healthy and positive are you dying..when in fact people they tell are dying are perfectly healthy ..God help us all .. I guess my mother was right ..she always said im going to live till i die son and thats what she did at 79 and the year before she died she said im ready to go and i have had a good life.

I guess people on here could call me the rambling man since most of what i talk about is rambling.I swear to you I am jounaling too but I have the need to tell others my plight my thoughts and ask for answers someone to say hey its ok..We will all be ok..Its apparent the medical industry isnt going to help and its scarry to think of the results of their conclusions.Ill go now and try to sleep..Thank you for your support and patience with me..It means so very much to me ..and I wish all of you could be relieved of this misery too..So much i want this for all of us..God bless you all..

[nell1965]

Hi
I think i understand your agony a bit better now. Without being in full possession of all the facts i cant say and even might not be able to with all the facts but at a guess i would say that in your wifes case they got her mixed up with someone else which does happen, not often but it does. In your daughters case it would seem that her treatment worked and she was put into remission which is a good thing. Your problem is that now you have been left with this huge dose of anxiety... two people close to you were told they were dying , terrible for you however the good news is that they didnt. The problem with this is that now when people tell you that you are not dying you dont beleive them. You and your family have been extremely unlucky to have sufered the blow of medical error once with your wife, the second time im not so sure of as perhaps things might not have turned out so good for your daughter if she hadnt had such good treatment which has saved her.You have been left unfortunately reeling from all of this and are now not able to lead a normal life from your constant anxiety. I really feel for you and canunderstand the sheer torture that you are going through. yes other people who dont understand will get fed up with you and your constant worrying, its not that they dont care its just that they dont understand. I am not sure of your history but you do really need to seek some sort of therapy from someone who can help you to reprogramme your thought processes. CBT would seem to me to be the right choice for you. Your wife and daughter have survived but you seem to be merely existing. There really are worse things than dying and sometimes living with anxiety can be such a torture. you need to find someone who can help to set you free and start living again. Its not easy my friend but it can be done. My anxiety has not completely gone away and i dont think it ever will, its just that ive learned to control it rather than it control me. I wish you well and a whole lot of luck in finding your inner peace.

[Paddington]

I agree!!well said ! I also think that acceptance is a huge partof living with anxiety.that is what has made a huge difference to my life So ..i thnk ..oh my god i am dying..then i think,,well die then i dont of course.Then each time the fear floods thru me,i let it ,accept it eventually..the fear becomes less and less,as you are not feeding the fear anymore.Yesterday i was convinced my cancer had come back ,I went tothe drs..he was hopless[as usual,and i rarely see him )so now i am thinkin wellif this is my life span i better enjoy it while i can..see! it's acceptance of our fate, real or imagined Tryand live each day as it comes to you ..i say ..oh good another glorious day to hear the birds singing and watch the trees sway in the breeze Alll little tricks that help each day be good instead of terrifying..Try it my friend..you may suprise yourself Love Paddie.xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

[looking4answers]

Hi
I think i understand your agony a bit better now. Without being in full possession of all the facts i cant say and even might not be able to with all the facts but at a guess i would say that in your wifes case they got her mixed up with someone else which does happen, not often but it does. In your daughters case it would seem that her treatment worked and she was put into remission which is a good thing. Your problem is that now you have been left with this huge dose of anxiety... two people close to you were told they were dying , terrible for you however the good news is that they didnt. The problem with this is that now when people tell you that you are not dying you dont beleive them. You and your family have been extremely unlucky to have sufered the blow of medical error once with your wife, the second time im not so sure of as perhaps things might not have turned out so good for your daughter if she hadnt had such good treatment which has saved her.You have been left unfortunately reeling from all of this and are now not able to lead a normal life from your constant anxiety. I really feel for you and canunderstand the sheer torture that you are going through. yes other people who dont understand will get fed up with you and your constant worrying, its not that they dont care its just that they dont understand. I am not sure of your history but you do really need to seek some sort of therapy from someone who can help you to reprogramme your thought processes. CBT would seem to me to be the right choice for you. Your wife and daughter have survived but you seem to be merely existing. There really are worse things than dying and sometimes living with anxiety can be such a torture. you need to find someone who can help to set you free and start living again. Its not easy my friend but it can be done. My anxiety has not completely gone away and i dont think it ever will, its just that ive learned to control it rather than it control me. I wish you well and a whole lot of luck in finding your inner peace.

No not quite right at all...my wife had proven cancer.They could see it they removed what they could and told her there was nothing else they could do.It was there and then it was gone.In my daughters case..She was dying no if ands or buts...they told us they had one last experimental treatment that the fda had no approved it was dangerous and we had to give them permisson to try it..


Well what choice did we have and it worked..I am thankful for both cases ..no one knows why they got better but they did.I have learned to control anxiety over the years but this time its harder.I think it has a lot to do with where we are .I thought I had made peace with this place as our home..But waking today I realise im not sure I ever will .There is something about it that just eats at my soul. I dont feel safe here and well I can't move


I have no choice but to sit and try and do the best i can from day to day ..and hope that one day my mind will accept that maybe there is a possibility its unhappiness and not the place nor actually being ill..Everyday is a weird day .The quiteness is deafing..the sun so bright it burns spots in your eyes and the wild life well it comes and goes mostly goes.


Im sure that most of it shows itself only late in the evening and at night.Thats when our dogs are active.During the day It looks like a vast wasteland an ocean of grass and snowcapped mountains..You say ..How could you get tired of that ?I assure you ,that indeed you can.This is one of those places that you go for a few days take photos of and say how nice..and then later you are glad that you back home.Thanks for the comments and only time will tell what happens here...God Bless You..