The cancer fear is back and stronger than ever

[Thelegend27]

Well it's back... I've spent the past 3 days worrying myself sick and I think tonight is the worst. I literally thought to myself yep you have cancer, I know this is silly to diagnose yourself, but my mind is a complete mess.

What started it was some chest discomfort off and on it was mostly the chest wall and my lungs felt like I had a slight chest cold, and this has been going on for 3 days, but I think it's gerd, because I take antacids and it seems to go away for a while.

Then I was moving some wooden pallets and later noticed a small bruise on my forearm, then today I was moving some furniture and afterwards noticed 2 mor bruises on the opposite forearm. Leukemia bells started ringing, even though I had a clear blood count, I still worried myself. Then tonight I guess one of my palpable lymph nodes got itself on top of a muscle and it was very palpable just touching the skin I could feel a small lump, but it's back to the way it was before now I guess it moved back to it's spot.

I have a doctors appointment on June 27th and I'm trying to push through till then but I've almost drove myself to the er with panic.

I'm going to see a therapist after this next check up if everything goes well so maybe then I can forget about all this cancer stuff and focus on my responsibilities.

I have a serious question, I have never considered suicide, but lately I've been imagining it in my head a lot, again not considering it I just keep playing it out in my head and I know this cannot be a good sign, please any advice?

[swajj]

It isn't back because it never left. You have said before that you are going to see a therapist next time. Hopefully you really intend to do it this time.

[swajj]

So are you still keeping the June 27th appointment or do you think you don't need to anymore?

[NervUs]

I am the same way. All roads lead to cancer, and it is not easy to dog it. I have even thought recently what a relief it will be to be 65, when my youngest daughter will be 23 then and the pressure I put on myself to be here to raise her will be gone and I feel like I could take what comes. That is the same exact thing as wishing away 20 years of my life. NIce, huh.

IME, it takes a lot of work to break this link we create to cancer, but it can be done (I have relapsed after getting to a healthy place). Therapy is a great start, but it takes work outside of therapy, too. I do know, this is no way to live, and we are selling ourselves really short!

[ktdid2000]

I am the same way. All roads lead to cancer, and it is not easy to dog it. I have even thought recently what a relief it will be to be 65, when my youngest daughter will be 23 then and the pressure I put on myself to be here to raise her will be gone and I feel like I could take what comes. That is the same exact thing as wishing away 20 years of my life. NIce, huh.

THIS! OMG what a waste, right?! Now that I have kids my health anxiety has come roaring back. Maybe I'll finally be rid of it when I'm old and it doesn't matter so much what happens to me anymore. I wish I could have that kind of freedom now. :(