scared I am slipping

[happyone]

I know I have mood swings and I know I have said to people that if I go down to remind me that it is all part of the cycle and I will be ok in a few days. Yet I think I have it all wrong.

I feel the lack of counselling and lack of 1-1 support as a tremendous loss. I try to be brave about it but I am not. I don't know how I am going to get through my occ health meeting and then return to work without someone to air it all to. At this moment in time I feel about as ready for my work as a new born chick is to fly

I thought I had my pattern all sussed out and as early as this morning, I thought I was on my way back to feeling good again, I even deleted a negative thread I had written yeaterday, but I feel like I have been hit by a sledgehammer down into the pits this evening. It is not supposed to be like this. I just keep on crying and for long enough I thought I couldn't cry and now I just can't stop.

Hubby asked what was wrong with me and I told him I just feel bad and low. His answer was 'well you went for a run this morning, you should be feeling better!' yes I was! This morning! Then the endorphins worked their way outn of my system and I was left feeling bad again.

I am scared and because I am scared I want to do all the mad things I think about. My mad thoughts are returning with a vengeance, really scary ones and I have no doc to tell, no therapist no shrink. Even if I could see a shrink, I can't face another med change just now, it is to close to return to work. When I planned to return to work last time, I had no support and I couldn't do it, I literally ran away. I so want to go again. I have been making all my plans, I know where I am going if I go and it is as far as my car can take me. If I go this time, I lose my job for sure but the pressure is building like a pressure cooker.

It isn't just my mood swings as I have found myself slipping for a while. Turning down coffee with friends, going on nights out, having friends to the house, hiding in my room, going to bed as early as I can get away with.

My head feels full to bursting and tonight I really feel close to madness.

Happyone
xx

[lilibet]

Right lovely,

one step at a time....when are you supposed to be going back to work and what do you do???? I have only just started reading your posts, but i read your one from last nite and when i came to check on you this morning it had gone...

let me know how you are now please.

love lilibet x x

[Piglet]

Happyone mate why don't you tell hubby just what you told us - perhaps this little blip (and that's all it is) is because of the pressure of going back to work????

I also agree that support is needed for a while for us to get back on our feet and can understand that stopping the therapy and your doctor leaving to have the baby is all change that you don't feel good about.

You are not going mad hun.

Love Piglet

[Quirky]

Hi mate,

Sorry only just found this thread as I'm rarely looking through all the new threads at the moment and for the same reason I'm sorry but I must have missed the one from last night too.

It does sound like it could be work triggering you right now, and losing the support. I lost my lovely doctor and CBT lady at the same time a while back and it did affected me so I do understand. I totally understand the need to have someone to talk it through with as it does help.

Has your gp actually left yet? If not maybe you could see her, or maybe it's worth trying to see a different gp while she is away, there may be someone else there that you could learn to trust that may be able to help support you? Just an idea anyway.

Is it possible to contact your counsellor and tell her you're struggling? I know you said that she would continue seeing you in her new role if necessary. If that's now not the case maybe she can refer you to someone else for 1-1 support. Sorry if none of this helps.

Failing that can you call the crisis number you have, I'm not saying you're having a crisis I'm just trying to think of people that may be able to help you through this and talk it through with.

There's nothing wrong with needing support, especially at difficult times so do try and find someone to help you mate.

Might be worth trying to explain how you feel to hubby about all this too.

Night night

Lisa x

[Southern_Belle]

Hi,

A big for you. You are having alot of changes happening at once like Piglet said. What was sort of a stress free life (although a stay at home mom is not stress free believe me ) you are going into a new environment and that contains more stress. Combine that with your loss of that support you feel like you need no wonder you feel like you are in a crisis. I also think that by trying to figure out a "pattern" you might be setting yourself up for one. Just take one day at a time. I know today has hit you hard but you got through it. Hopefully tomorrow will be a good day. I know you can get through your appointment, you are strong.

As far as the mad thoughts as you call them they are thoughts not actions. If I were you when I got a thought I did not want, if you can, force yourself to write down a thought you do want. Or force yourself to think of one. Perhaps picture yourself walking in a favorite place you love. I hope this helps, this is what I do when my heart races and I also breathe in lavendar. I know it isn't the same but sometimes when I have flown I have wanted to run off the plane screaming like a madwoman. It has been all I could do to remain in my seat. Picturing myself somewhere else has gotten me through it. I do hope you have a good day tomorrow, please let me know.

,

Laura

[Under~The~Stars]

I haven't been around tonight hunny, I'm sorry. I wish I had been around tonight

Firstly, I think you are being very sensible and you are noticing that you need support, as you do need support, going back to work after having been off for a long time is stressful and you do need support to help you with this. You know how I feel already about your counsellor etc, I am so annoyed at them. I think you need to speak to your GP as soon as, and put an end to all of this worrying, you need support so you go and ask for it! You are doing well, but I agree that you need to have something in place for now for you to keep on doing well. And as time goes by, and you get stronger, you will need the help less and less, but for now you need that help so you need to ask for it.

I know you are scared hunny, but those thoughts you are having are just thoughts. Just try and distract yourself when you feel like that, even go into the chatroom, or talk to one of your little ones, or talk to a friend. Please don't run away coz you really are doing so well, and if you ask for more support you will get it. There is always an answer.

We will meet up next week for a coffee? Text me anytime, just please don't disappear, coz I really will worry

Thinking of you,

Lou xxx

[groovygranny]

Just sen this Happyone.

Wan to give you hugs

You've supported me even though you're going through hell yourself.

[happyone]

Thanks folks,
I'm afriad I have woken up with the blues again this morning. Even hubby has noticed, he is taking kids to school.

Lilibet, I don't know when I am due to go back to work. I have occ health meeting on Tues to determine my future. It could be soon after that or not depending on what course of action they recommend. I work with people with learning disability in residential care.

Thanks Piglet. I just don't do change well at all and it is too much at once. I only need to think about it and I start bubbling again. I at least thought I would have support through me getting back to work, but it is my own fault really as I told her I didn't want anyone else.

Lisa, it does all help. But I am sure you will relate to this. I don't want to tell my gp. I want her to go off on maternity leave feeling good that she has helped me. I don't want to tell my counsellor as I want her to start her new job thinking the same. I don't want to phone the crises team for the same reasons as it will obviously get to my gp and counsellor. I have tried telling hubby but he just doesn't get it. I am not being critical of him, he can't help it.

Laura, I understand all the things you say about me picturing myself in another place. I am doing that, unfortunately I want to be there. I really really want to be there and it is taking all my willpower not to go.
I really am trying. Honestly I am. I have been doing my meditation, I have been doing my mindfulness exercises and I have been looking at my positive affirmation cards and trying to let the ideas sink in, but this low just envelopes me.

Lou, you are a wee star! I should ask for support but I can't. I just can't get away from the fear of being seen as weak or needy by the people who are there to help. I thought I had but I haven't. I have also had a lot more help than many others. It is obviously time for me to stand up on my own two feet. I am just not finding it easy.

Thanks for hugs GG. One right back at you

Thank you all.

Happyone
xx

[manmoor]

BIG HUGS FOR HAPPY XXX

[happyone]

Now I really am losing the plot. I phoned my mum and there was no reply so I went driving round to her house convinced she was dead, praying all the way, telling God I would try to stop being so self centred if he made my mum alve and if they find the little girl who is missing in Portugal. 1 out of 2 so far, my mum is alive and well.
How can I be so stuck inmyself when people are out there who have real problems. It is not like I don't think about them. I think about other people all the time and I can't stop thinking about the little missing girl and her family and all the other people in this world who are hurting, people who are starving and all the other tradgedies that are too horrific to even write. Yet I still can't see ythe joy I have in my life or I can see it but I don't feel it. I am so selfish and deserve to feel bad maybe.
Sorry stuck on the self obsessed disc again.
Happyone
xx